The 2022 NFL season is more confusing than some of the endzone dances we see today.
Supposedly good teams like the Chargers, Bucs and 49ers keep getting lit up, while squads that should be squandering scoring chances like they usually do, are winning.
The Giants, Seahawks and Commanders come to mind as mind-blowers. Somebody call up Cousin Sal, spreads are being shredded like the filling on an Italian Beef.
Why does the pro football scene look so weird? Let's look into it ...
First things first, ahead of Halloween there are some glaring costume issues:
The Browns are wearing orange pants and even Elton John is alarmed at the audacity of Cleveland's marketing people.
Meanwhile, the 49ers need an intervention on their unis, it's all wrong. Possibly the greatest football ensemble ever has been reduced to a Bay Area-level fog fest. The issues? White pants! The overly intense shade of gold in the helmet! The drop shadow on the numbers! Just Google Joe Montana and sort it out, folks.
All the blue in Detroit's uni is outrageous. Contrast is a thing, gang.
How about more orange? The Bears helmet was and still is a dark-almost-black-blue ... Fanta-style orange, really?
And finally, why are the Jets now wearing black? Did Namath wear it? Did Curtis Martin ever sport black? It's green and white. Gang Green. There is no black. Radom introductions of non-sensical colors are Costanza-esque suggestions that need urgent fashion policing.
Next, let's talk about the passing ...
Can we start throwing the ball a bit further than three feet? Dink and dunk football is for Tom Brady and padding the wallet of your in-house analytics nerd ... but the NFL is an entertainment business and we're not really enjoying all the one-yard gains throughout forty-five-minute drives.
Still on the passing game, can we hire some quarterbacks who can, you know, actually toss it? Drafting a competent thrower can't be that hard. Here's the thing, if your draftee is more inclined to snap it and run, chances are he hasn't spent much time launching a ball. Give him the "option" to read the defense and guess what? It might just be that he doesn't want to spend a second reading it. Just saying.
After bad losses, could Aaron Rodgers be any more mellow? I guess he turned up to post-games with a fourth glass of wine under his belt instead of just three, maybe. The Pack don't look good and they just buckled against the Commanders, a team that has lost all command of its identity. But Rodgers isn't worried ... he's relaaaaaxed, man.
Oh, and was he actually wearing a cardigan after the game? Hard for us to relax with that look in our faces.
Remember when Chicago was good? Remember when they creamed teams and were quite literally monstrous? It's just better when Chicago is in the mix and quite frankly watching this team is about as inadequate as hot dog without peppers, onions, tomato, celery and mustard. Hey Fields, it's called a pass, it requires you giving up the ball .. down field ... within a couple of seconds ... ah, what's the use.
It might be time for a moratorium on news about NFL owners.
How much do we have to hear from these people, they get more press than announcers - an impossibility, right? But seriously, if we get one more soundbite from the Colts' Jim Irsay it might be time to jettison the season. He recently called his QB, Matt Ryan, a "steely-eye missile man", which was of course reported with the gusto of a Presidential address. All we know is some media people out there are doe-eyed Mickey Mouse men.
Speaking of youthful exuberance, does anyone know when Miami's Mike McDaniel graduates high school? We want to send a card. Write in, let us know.
