A Short Guide To The NFL's Best Ever Running Quarterbacks

It's a passing league, talking heads like to say. 

And yet, few can deny the growing preference for running quarterbacks in the current NFL. I mean it's hardly running now and more burning around the park like Wylie Coyote atop an ACME rocket. Nobody can catch the new guys - they're the latest in a long line of shifty, speedy and supersonic signal-callers. 

So here's a short and selective guide of the men who set the running QB idea in motion:

1950s

Tobin Rote wasn't huge, but drove upfield like a pick-up. In fact, he picked up 37 rushing touchdowns in his career, along with some outdoor furniture and potted plants for the neighbors.

1960s and 70s

The Mad Scrambler Fran Tarkenton was relentlessly evasive, like a baby eggplant rolling under the fridge (huh?). He finished with 3,674 career rushing yards.  

Roger Staubach still has great hair. He scrambled for 2,264 yards for America's Team, mostly on good old American watch-your-knees turf, which is remarkable. His hair always looked good.

Speaking of hair, Jim Zorn's flapped elegantly in the Seattle winds as he logged 1,504 career yards, mostly while running for his life.

Terry Bradshaw hustled and bustled, long before Russell (Wilson). If he spent less time yapping he might have made even more yardage.

1980s and 90s

John Elway wasn't so much an agile mover but more like a muscle car, weaving and skidding to impossible scores. It wasn't always pretty but he always got you out of your chair, chip bowl flipped to the floor.

Now we can't speak for his off-field action, but Randall Cunningham was so wiry, loose-legged and elusive there were few on-field moves missing from his arsenal. He was the ideal running quarterback ... and also threw a deep ball like it was Tecmo Bowl. 

1990s

Steve Young could motor - not like Cunningham - but with a crafty vision. He was thrilling purely because he didn't look the part. I mean he might have been mistaken for an accountant by some. And yet, in a blink, No.9 pinned his ears back and calculated the best route to the end zone.

Impossible slashes: Kordell Stewart.

2000s

Michael Vick was so damn fast, he set coaches into wetting their pants meltdowns. He zigged and zagged at speeds which really were dazzling. Not sure he was as electric as Cunningham, though many pundits like to think so. 

Jukes, jolts and jumps: Donovan McNabb

The original speedster, now in mothballs: Robert Griffin III

Long, slick and deceptive: Colin Kaepernick

Today ...

Super runner, super star: Cam Newton

Pocket dynamo and would-be MVP: Russell Wilson

The most valuable feet going 'round, and up and down: Lamar Jackson

Big arm, big runs, big time: Patrick Mahomes

The escape artist: Deshaun Watson

Out-of-a-video-game sprite: Kyler Murray

The Panthers' Sir Purr confronts Robby Anderson

Sir Purr watches ... and waits.

Halfway down a dark hall in the bowels of Bank Of America Stadium, Charlotte, Panthers wide receiver Robby Anderson dawdles toward the exit. 

The night has set in, and Anderson is the last to leave the facility.

Or is he?

A creaking sound startles the Panthers star. He turns. Looks ...

Nothing.

"Yo ... who's there?" he calls out.

Then quick footsteps. 

A grunt.

Suddenly, the lights in the hallway flicker off. The green exit sign offers some light, so Anderson peers toward it desperately ... his focus is interrupted by a gravelly voice.

"Heard you called me a bear ..." the voice says.

"Huh?" 

"Huh! Huh! You think a bear can move the way I do genius?"

"Wha...? Sir Purr ...?"

"Listen bub, you're new around here so I'm gonna cut you a break. But don't go around calling panthers 'bears', we don't take too kindly to that sort of thing."

"You gotta be kidding me ..."

"Shut-up! Nobody's kidding here! You think mascots are simply working for your amusement pal? I'm not just some anthropomorphized cat?! I have little mascot mouths to feed too, sweetheart. Trust me, this a tougher assignment than pussy-footing across a park. You try lugging this suit around in the sun, pretty boy."

"Okay, okay. Sorry. You looked like a bear from where I was sitting ..."

Suddenly a big furry arm wraps around Anderson's neck and yanks him backward off his feet.

"How about now? Do I look like a friggin bear now?"

"No!"

"No-what?"

"No ... Sir?"

"That's better. Now give me your keys."

"Huh?"

"Your keys ... hand 'em over, Shirley. I gotta a hot date downtown and my golf cart is in the shop "

"But ..."

"Next time you'll think twice about being a wise ass won't you ..."

Sir Purr digs into Anderson's pocket and takes his keys. He heads for the exit, leaving the stunned wideout on the ground, nervous and sweating.

"Here's some change." He tosses Anderson a few coins. 

"The bus leaves across the street. See you at practice, princess."

He leaves. The door slams and the lights flicker back on.

Top 6 NFL jerseys this 2020 season - a sartorial power rankings

Pro football jerseys are special because they display so little and yet conjure so much. So which NFL threads standout thus far in 2020?

Well, the Cleveland Browns have gone old school with their new unis ... and the universe is unified once again. I love this dog brown Browns iteration which harkens back to the Kosar era, with its gaudy orange against basic white stripes. It's clean, crisp and completely lacking in confidence. It's a last minute prom date. A 1950s Packard Corvette. Old. School. It smacks of football tradition and evokes much better times on the gridiron along the Lake Erie shore. 

6. So, Cleveland's is my sixth favorite jersey this season, fittingly ranked in line with the Browns' own No.6, Baker Mayfield. 

Where to wear it? Under your prom tuxedo ... or on top.

5. This all-black offering from the Falcons is so slick, so intimidating and so Return Of The Jedi cloak and sabre cool, that it's a must-have here. I also don't mind the 'ATL' lettering, perfect for our attention-deficient society.

Where to wear it? To a distant roadhouse that only serves Jagermeister.

4. It's not easy moseying up to the Cowboys because, well, some of the posse is a little loose. But you can't go past these jerseys - the dark blue, the silver and white stripes and yes, the iconic navy star. It's all there, ready to wow fans, even if the Dallas play does not. 

Where to wear it? To the mall food court, where you can preen and pose it.

3. Sticking with the NFC East, will you just have a look at the Re-- I mean Washington Football Team now. The brilliant burgundy, the gold-tinged yellow, the trim, the large numbers and zero identity - I mean, is it 1936? Sometimes I wish it was because Washington would be much better at football. 

Where to wear it? To the Smithsonian, or to Checkers, whichever comes first. 

2. The Saints black jersey with gold is so damn cool there's little more to say. The contrast works better than deep fried dough and powdered sugar on Bourbon Street. Well, almost.

Where to wear it? Out to an oyster and beer lunch. 

1. The Chargers lightning bolted shoulders is key here. Come on, it's a white jersey with near-faded pale blue and yellow, teamed up with crazy bolts of zig-zag lightning. It really shouldn't work. It's superhero cartoonish. The branding team should have been marched from the facility before the morning donuts hit the boardroom table. But wait! Have another look. This jersey is a flash of magic. It's a showcase of how very little effort can equal much, much more ... which suitably matches the club's general approach to its offense. 

Where to wear it? While riding a cruiser bicycle along the beachfront. Hot pants optional.

The 2020 NFL season is here and look out, everything is different ... or is it?

The NFL is finally here, but a few questions loom ...

- With Mitch Trubisky starting, let's just just conclude that the Bears not only struggle to find QBs, but don't actually enjoy having them. Listen, they love football. They are the epitome of NFL history. And the all-time benchmark for football defense. Bears equals pigskin! But quarterbacking? Meh. 

- Aaron Rodgers was supposedly peeved that the Packers drafted another quarterback, Jordan Love. And yet, Brett Favre being packed and shipped off like aged cheese was okay? Same smell, different vintage.

- Apparently the Dallas Cowboys are again ready to win the Super Bowl ... again. That's what some pundits in ten-gallon hats are saying, just regular straight shooters like you and me. I can't see what's changed, really. They're in a terrible division, sure, but also a loaded conference that now features the Tampa Bay Bradys and a still very scary 49ers crew. 

- Speaking of Brady, is it possible the creamsicle training jersey makes him look more youthful? Damn that guy.

- The Rams new helmet design is questionable. Why change a perfect look? But after three or four Hard Knocks episodes in the Californian sun, I've come around. It's the metallic chrome blue - it saves it. 

- Still in LA, most predictable preseason round-ups are calling out Goff's blandness. Seems harsh - he's paid to wear a cool blue helmet and deliver spirals, not soliloquies. So, you know, get a grip.  

- Does anyone know what the Jags are doing? Are they actually in the league this season? Is White Goodman still the QB? Anyone?

- It's funny how so many people are off the Pats now. Really? I'm as tired of their dominance as the next guy, but betting against Belichick is like cutting the sleeves off a perfectly good hoodie. 

- I personally like the new Washington Football Team motif and logo. But when news sites only go by nicknames and write 'Football Team', they're surely having a dig. I hope the Football Team kicks your team's backside, punk news editors!

- Talking heads keep saying Kansas City will lose its home field advantage this season without fans. But if a club was ever at a disadvantage it's the Dolphins, who will have fans in 2020 ... tanned, perfectly pastel, swimsuited and glamorous, fans.

- Speaking of distractions, will Raider Nationers be okay with the eight-hour drive to Sin City while wearing their Darth Vader and Skeletor masks? Hope so.

- Jadeveon Clowney is a Titan for this season. How do we digest this? Let's give the last word to Coach Mike Vrabel: "Sometimes you end up coaching against those guys and sometimes you end up coaching them after you've been with them, so that would be the case here." Ah, no further questions.