Super Bowl: For The Love Of Everything But The Game

If you’ve just arrived from Neptune for Super Bowl 49, you could be forgiven for thinking it seems more like a Hollywood spectacle than a sporting event. Presuming you get all of Ryan Seacrest’s red carpet telecasts, that is.

Over the past week, we’ve heard an inordinate amount about how footballs are inflated and how buoyant they actually should be, which is oddly akin to the sort of updates we receive from Kim Kardashian. She’s an expert on buoyancy, of course, and even traded on it for her new Super Bowl commercial for T-Mobile.

Super Bowl ads, too, are more pervasive than Richard Sherman. Trust me, this is a spectacular feat. It feels like I somehow know more about Sherman’s opinions on life and love than I do my own. Maybe we should all just assume Sherman’s point of view, you know, to mitigate any future misunderstandings.

None of this is helped by Super Bowl media day either, which could be the worst event on the pro football calendar. By now you’ve probably seen the Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski sing Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ with a woman amid the throng, who we must assume is a journalist of some kind. Perhaps for Karaoke Monthly?

It was an alarming sight on so many levels, mostly because it feels like we’re edging closer to the day when football won’t even be played. Instead, we’ll just have reporters peppering giant men with inane questions before they rush off to an X-Box, as Gronk eventually did.

As dire as this sounds, look on the bright side: At least then we’d do away with all the controversy that now tends to engulf football, which is truly a sport unto itself for some media people. Listen, nobody wants to neglect the serious issues this great pastime is facing, but by the same token, can we line up the people that prolong senseless discussions about things like deflated footballs, and just have Tedy Bruschi pummel them?

Somebody call up Letterman, he’d go for this.

Well, we still have the game's two star quarterbacks, Tom Brady and Russell Wilson. And have there ever been two more charismatic or better looking headliners for a Super Bowl? Oh right, Timberlake and Jackson were pretty sexy too, but they have big asterisks by their names.

Speaking of which, 49ers legend Jerry Rice recently said that if the Pats win this Super Bowl, they should also get an asterisk. Rice, like so many others wanting to take New England down a peg, clearly isn’t looking at the so-called Deflategate in a forgiving manner. In all honesty, it’s hard to take a contrary view of it all when writers like Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio start detailing toilet trips made by a Gillette Stadium employee. 

Not to dump on this type of speculation, but the Pats could have beaten the Colts with a dog-chewed tennis ball, to follow Coach Ditka's line of thought on Monday Night Countdown. Ditka is right, and not just because everyone’s terrified to talk back to him. He’s right because the Pats were the best team in football this year, and that matters. 

Listen, there will always be those trying to distract us from the game by asking players if they like puppies, or eat rum and raisin ice cream. While others go to even greater lengths, like tweeting photos of Bill Belichick wearing flip flops.

At the end of the day, after all the car ads, celebrity sightings, Goodell criticisms, close ups of adequately inflated footballs, confirmation of Sherman’s IQ, and the PH level of Brady’s hair, there’ll be a game. 

I hope you folks who’ve made the long trip get to see it.

From Marino, to Moore to...Manning?

The Revenge of the Birds blog wrote a brief commentary this week on why Peyton Manning won't sign with the Jets, Redskins or Dolphins, citing unsuitable cities, dubious weather, new coaching regimes, uninspiring receiving corps, and not enough pork sandwich outlets as chief arguments. Okay, I made that last one up. But the other points are all valid.

Are these concerns realistic?

I certainly agree that Peyton in Jets green seems egregious: haven't we already been down that rocky road with Brett Favre? We know the Big Apple is a pressure cooker environment for quarterbacks - unless you share a name with Manhattan's theater district that is - and so it's a stretch to imagine Peyton facing that heat at this stage of his career, and in a town his brother already owns. Where's the upside? In hoping to meet Woody Allen, but spending more time with Woody Johnson?

Washington poses a more likely destination, especially with their superior coaching and bottomless pockets. But then again, would the ultimate on-field general be willing to relinquish some his command to the Shanahans? Doubtful. Furthermore, would the Hogs, a team perennially in limbo and without a bona fide leader, be keen on a veteran QB in a precarious state of health?

One time star, and Championship air guitarist, Donovan McNabb, threw his two cents in this week, indicating to ESPN that the Skins wouldn't again entertain a signal-caller at the tail end of his career. Donovan is apparently still part of Washington's inner circle.

"I don't see Peyton ending up in Washington," said McNabb. "Because what happens is now you're bringing in another veteran who will be 35, 36, who's been in one offense throughout his career - it's the same situation (as McNabb in 2010)."

That leaves the Dolphins, who in my mind, at least have the best receiving corps for a precision passer like Peyton. The group is headlined by the NFL's fiercest run-after-the-catch receiver Brandon Marshall, and also includes slot maestro, Davone Bess, the big mitts of Anthony Fasano, and the speedy down-field threat Brian Hartline, who according to the Phins Spotlight blog, has improved this past season with his 15.7 yards per catch.

As much as the Red Birds crave Manning too, I fear they're stuck with their low-key marquee man Kevin Kolb, whose nine touchdowns and eight turnovers in 2011 seem about on par with driving Aunt Edna to Phoenix. At least he's not Derek Anderson, right? Then again, Anderson could send it deep. (Sorry, momentary lapse into disillusionment).

Perhaps the final say goes to the South Florida faithful whose attempts to lure Manning have fallen just short of having Kim Kardashian parade around in an 18-shaped bikini. (Could that even work? The mind boggles). The Washington Post recently reported that Fins fans have erected a billboard at the intersection of I-95 and I-595 in Fort Lauderdale to advertise ManningtoMiami.com and their campaign. The website urges locals to vote for Manning to bring his talents, and neck brace, to South Beach, for what would surely be on par with Colts great Earl Morrall turning up in Miami and guiding the club to the NFL's first undefeated season in 1972. At the very least, Peyton could catch some rays and give LeBron James some pointers on how to be more measured in setting expectations.