If pro QBs moonlighted at your local deli

A photo taken at a Houston-based restaurant rounded the web recently because of its tongue-in-cheek dig at Texans quarterback, Matt Schaub.

The shop's sandwich board read:

Matt Schaub special - Pick Six - Toppings for you burger.

The clever idea got us thinking, what if pro quarterbacks actually moonlighted at your neighborhood deli?

So without further ado...

If Peyton Manning worked your local deli counter, orders would change last second and hit your hands before you looked up.

If Ben Roethlisberger worked your local deli counter, your pastrami on rye would end up sacked in a steaming heap.

If Geno Smith worked your local deli counter, Rex Ryan would insist a sub be named after him.

If Alex Smith worked your local deli counter, sandwiches would be quick and precise, but mostly under-appreciated.

If Cam Newton worked your local deli counter, the service would dazzle but leave you wanting more.

If Aaron Rodgers worked your local deli counter, it'd be high quality but relentless reviews by sports anchors would leave an unsavory taste.      
 
If Jay Cutler worked your local deli counter, orders would fly out with extra mustard and a sprinkle of disdain.

If Tony Romo worked your local deli counter, all wrong orders would be blamed on him, even on his day off.

If Carson Palmer worked your local deli counter, the turnovers would stand out.

Is Tannehill the right call in Miami, right now?

Former Miami Dolphins quarterback, Don Strock, was interviewed for The Finsiders blog this week, which was interesting because writer, Andy Cohen, later repeated Strock's answers on being a back-up to the team's current second-stringer, Matt Moore. He cleverly reported this in the story.

What stood out was Moore’s maturity and patience on a matter that would grind the gears of most QBs until they combusted. 

But it’s warm and sparkly down in Florida, you see, where spirals probably glisten a little more en route to the hands, cheerleaders seem more sprightly and full of bounce, and melting ice cream in the swelter tastes fruitier to the tongue. 

So why blow up over holding a clipboard in the sun, right? 

One nugget from Strock to Moore was, “Your time will come”, which the current back-up knows all too well.

Moore responded, “Well, it’s come true in the past for me. So if history repeats itself, I guess my time will come."

Moore is a guy who says the right things, and then when he hits the field, mostly does alright too. And they said Tom Cruise had all the right moves. Well, he did, until about the second Mission Impossible flick. It seemed to get a little strange after that. Perhaps it was all the John Woo slo-mo sequences that messed up his equilibrium.

The thing is, I’m still not convinced Ryan Tannehill should be Miami’s starting signal-caller, even after his decent rookie year. I like his upside, don’t get me wrong. He has arm strength. He can run. He looks business-like at press conferences and his wife hits it out of the ball park before the pitch is even thrown. 

What’s not to like about Team Tannehill? 

But still, I don’t really care about media moves and showy draft picks for the sake of ticket sales – I care about wins. And if you’re a Fins fan, you’d certainly be asking yourself after the Hall Of Fame Game on Sunday - other than how does Chris Collinsworth get the part in his hair to stay like that – should I be worried that Tannehill looked shaky?

Yes, it’s preseason. And it was just five plays. Yet, Moore came in, and as it always does when No.8 sets up shop behind center, the offense moved. Sure, he made a couple of questionable calls himself. We all have. I’m still getting ripped for a pair of pants in my closet I thought were men’s. This whole ‘skinny’ fashion trend is so confusing. 

The point is, Moore gives the team more - quite literally. Certainly he’s a little loose – somewhat Favrean, if you will. But as long as he stays retired when he eventually hangs the cleats up, and keeps the crotch selfies to himself, I’m on board.

Miami should be too. 

The Temptation to use Tebow and how

Tim Tebow's loose spiral and sporting spirit have been shipped to New England, but outside of that, who really knows what this means?

In truth, few saw this coming. And yet, the Patriots may have been planning the move for weeks. That he was sitting on the sideline unemployed apparently proved too tempting for the team's coach Bill Belichick, who in this scenario is a little like Adam and Eve tempted by the serpent. Ironically, the once almighty Tebow had become a forbidden fruit around the league, before the Pats swooped in this month.

You could argue, in fact, that his stay in New York marked the end, where minimal opportunity was afforded the quarterback in a farcical situation which amounted to nothing more than a PR stunt. In short, the Jets signed the man but acquired the mania, something they always seem to crave.

At any rate, Belichick is not one to dwell on past sins. He's been down this road many times, yielding both success and failure, trial and tribulation. Though never repentance - not even with the likes of Albert Haynesworth. This might be his most ernest Hail Mary of all. 

As football fans, we thought Tebow might at least be a good "wildcat" option in New York, where it was expected the Jets would consider his versatility and size, and send him steaming from the backfield. In theory, Tebow was ideal for the club, where, as the back-up QB, he might have been inserted into the fray to pick up short yardage, or perhaps torment the opposition with some of the trickery the wildcat attack is known for.

Now the sport's insiders are forecasting Tebow in all manner of situations - be they wild, cat-like or a hybrid of the two. The NFL Network's Rich Eisen tweeted that it makes little sense Tebow play as just a QB. CBS Sports' Mike Freeman tweeted that Tebow won't only study tight-end but also quarterback. ESPN's Chris Mortensen tweeted that Tebow will be a third string signal-caller.
(In case you were wondering, I tweeted nothing, because like most fans, I have no idea what the heck Tebow will be doing in New England, outside of genuflecting and high-fiving).

But I do think about the wildcat, or at least variations of that type of offense. It is made for television football, just like Tebow. Tebow and the wildcat together might be like John Hamm and dark suits. This should have already been in syndication in New York. Just as the Miami Dolphins famously employed it in 2008, quarterback Mark Sanchez could have regularly split wide, while a second runner positioned himself in the backfield. Then, as a man swept behind the line, the ball might have been snapped into the hands of an enterprising Tebow, and New York football would have lit up again like Broadway Joe Namath. Tebow in lights, that's what we all envisaged, right?

Well, there's still a chance of this, I guess.

The wildcat has transitioned to the read option offense of late, where players like the Washington Redskins' Robert Griffin III and the Seattle Seahawks' Russell Wilson are reading defenses and choosing an appropriate option. Presuming Belichick isn't grooming Tebow to play fulltime quarterback behind the game's best signal-caller, Tom Brady - as many writers and commentators are suggesting - option play might be Tebow’s niche in New England. After all, Tebow is a tank of a man at 6-foot-three and 236 pounds (the NFL's scariest runner is Adrian Peterson is 217 pounds). Given the chance to bamboozle defenders using New England’s vast arsenal, Tebow might seize the day. If there was ever an athlete who could be an effective football player without a positional label, it is No.15 – soon to No.5 in his new uniform.

Working against this is clipboard pretence. Pro football's most prominent talking heads seem enamoured with the idea that modern football requires every player to be a specialist. How often do we hear about the intricacies of elaborate assignments, the complexities of playbooks, and that a generalist just can’t cope? Tebow is the case study here. It may well be true that the highest level of football calls for the focus of a fundamental skill, such as blocking, or running through gaps, or, as it is in Tebow’s case, accurate forward passing. But at the end of the day, aren't self-belief, being hard to tackle and having incredible diligence all skills?

Working in favor of the idea is Tebow’s prior professional success. Like the backs of a former era, Tebow is less conceptual in his approach to football: he sees a hole and he darts through it. He watches a defense lean one way, and heads the other. He's also less reliant on schemes and formations than is given credit for. He's the game's equivalent of Larry David: set up the scene and he'll take it from there. We saw him do this in Denver in 2011.

Tebow ran numerous option plays as the Broncos quarterback with Willis McGahee as running back, where together they amassed hundreds of yards on the ground in a short time. Denver played the option almost exclusively in the fourth quarter of their 38-24 win over the Oakland Raiders. They used it again a week later in a 17-10 unseating of the Kansas City Chiefs. But most notably, in an overtime win over the San Diego Chargers, Tebow set an NFL record 22 rushing attempts by a quarterback in one game, using the option. His 67 yards rushing and 143 passing that day, boasted a mastery of the strategy that was unprecedented at the professional level.

For all the so-called gimmicks and gadgets that teams should employ for a player like Tebow, its the player himself who most often makes something happen. That's Tebow's forte - interpretation. Certainly, running backs or half-backs, or "wild" backs need blocking and unbalanced formations, and the potential of several outlets or escape hatches, but they also dictate outcomes using their supreme speed, strength and vision. And in Tebow's case, an unparalleled will to succeed is undoubtedly a factor too. In this regard, Tebow’s runs, especially those late in the Denver campaign two seasons ago, appear to be the work of divine intervention.

So, yes, the Pats will need to think through some options. They'll benefit from plays specific to Tebow's repertoire, and to pinpoint instances in which he can bowl through, around, or over obstacles. But it'll be his thunderous running, and elusiveness, that'll make those plays work. And whether the defense suspects it or not, Tebow won't be denied yards. He'll additionally confuse defenders and inspire audiences simply by being on the field. He'll whip up lot of noise, both literally and metaphorically, even if just for a handful of plays.

Okay, we don't know exactly what Belichick will do with Tebow, so what do we know?

We know that Tebow is a rare and confounding specimen - a player who can make some throws, but more importantly, change direction like a running back. We can make fun of his passing but Tebow’s downfield tosses weren’t so terrible in Denver that they can't be a threat at all (he made 9 of 18 in that San Diego game). The promise of a threat is all Belichick needs for this signing to be a success in the end. The prospect of Tebow breaking a single play is certainly worth the risk.

The coach recently told reporters, "we'll see," of what he plans for Tebow. And yet, in Tebow, he surely realizes the potential to weave a number of tricks. It might take time, maybe even a season. However, given Belichick's propensity to use players out of position, as he did once so effectively playing linebacker Mike Vrabel as a tight end, Tebow has great prospects on this very clever football team.

Let's remember, Tebow is not just a run-of-the-mill back NFL defenses are accustomed to preparing for. He's simply not like those boasting power only, or just quickness, or even agility. Rather, he is a man with an array of skills, the way old-style footballers like Jim Thorpe of the Canton Bulldogs had almost 100 years ago. Heck, strap the headgear on him, they might even look alike.

Regardless of what's to come in New England, many pundits will discuss Tebow's signing as if there’s a grand Belichickian subtext. But there no real agenda when it comes to Tebow, not beyond getting the ball across the goal line.

Lechler's punt on the Texans and the Raiders silver lining

The NFL's best punter, Shane Lechler, has signed with the Houston Texans after 13 seasons with the Oakland Raiders, and fans in the Bay Area are surely kicking themselves.

Oakland won't be short of people swinging their boots, if that's what you were thinking.

Lechler signed a three-year $5.5 million deal with the Texans, significantly lower than what the late Al Davis was willing to pay him---a record punting fee of $16 million for four years back in 2008. But economies have since collapsed, Twinkies have faced extinction, and Justin Timberlake does everything now except run the Vatican. Times have changed.

Despite the fact he's only 36, and plans to play 20 seasons in all (which would mean seven more), the Raiders are clearly not seeing Lechler in the same light. Assuming they are wearing their eye patches over the correct eye, it may be because the punter's net yards were slightly down last season.

Net yards seem very important to NFL teams, even though the punter has no real control over that statistic---not unless he's sprinting down field after scratching his nose with the toe of his cleat, and wrestling the punt returner into the grass himself. I'm not sure that even Usain Bolt could achieve such a feat, though wouldn't be surprised if a pro football team similarly forked out $16 million for the service.

Lechler netted 39 yards per punt last season, lower than his career average of about 41. This type of discrepancy causes more panic in pro football clubhouses than warm Gatorade. But he has booted 47 yards per punt over his career, not including the adjustment of returns or penalties. This should count for, well, everything, because it relates to the actual distance of his kicks.

Lechler has also admitted that he rushed back from a knee injury last season, and that it took him a month to be back on his game. "During the second half of the season, I felt like I was back to my old self," he told reporters in Houston recently.

Of course, there are many other aspects that factor into punting, and the associated squad that charges towards the man returning, such as the amount of time the ball hangs in the air. Lechler has been consistent on all of these fronts for many years, which is why so many people regard him as the best punter ever. You only need to scan his career stats to realize this. For example, Lechler kicked for 4,503 yards for an average of 47 yards per punt in 2003. His net average per punt that season was just 37 yards. That particular campaign, the Raiders won just four games, and were obliterated on the road (0-8). Not surprisingly then, returners tallied 699 yards on Lechler's 2003 punt total.

Last season, Lechler punted for 3,826 yards all up, with returners only logging 450 yards. So while he punted for fewer yards, they were likely more effective kicks with a better net average per punt than during the monster year, nine seasons earlier. So, I'm not certain I see the Raiders logic here in letting Lechler go, because up or down, he's been relatively consistent.

We do know that the Raiders picked up Marquette King in last draft, who supposedly has more leg than Heidi Klum. For Fort Valley State University in 2011, King led his team's conference in punting with a 43 yards per punt average, and 16 of them were for 50 yards or more. And due to a towering 80-yarder once, his legend has preceded his NFL career.

So Oakland and its fan base are no doubt giddy at the prospect of King. But Lechler's shoes are mighty ones to fill, especially before an intimidating audience of pirates, ghouls and skeleton bikers.

Good luck, kid.

Tebow could jet down to Florida

Tim Tebow might actually be a better quarterback option for the New York Jets than Mark Sanchez. He's bigger, is a more powerful runner, and at this stage, may actually be more accurate.

But the Jets probably have other plans, like signing a sixth QB, selling their best player, Darrelle Revis, and generally alienating their fan base. Just another offseason in New York.

This all leaves Tebow---if the Jets aren't clever enough to devise some running packages for him---in limbo. The former Florida Gator will then seek another path to the NFL stardom, and as it turns out, the Arena Football League may have a timely opportunity.

Orlando Predators owner Brett Bouchy told the Orlando Sentinel, in no uncertain terms, that his club is in the hunt for a piece of Tebow magic. That's right---mass marketing magic.

"Tim would certainly want to first exhaust his opportunities in the NFL, but we'd love to have him," Bouchy told the Sentinel. "I think he would definitely improve as a quarterback in our league.

"Kurt Warner told me once that when he got back to the NFL after playing in the Arena League, the NFL game was like slow motion. Everything in the Arena League is just so much faster and quicker and predicated on accuracy. Whenever Tim is willing, we have a contract waiting for him to sign."

You have to admire Bouchy's ingenuity, but he does realise Arena football isn't soccer right? Passing with your arms is still required.

And while Kurt Warner was a great NFL passer, I think we can all agree that he saw the game in slow motion because he was in fact playing in slow motion. 

Follow with Bloglovin

Jake Long goes incognito on Halloween

Dolphins left guard Richie Incognito has started a Twitter campaign to keep left tackle Jake Long in Miami. Long's eye has been wondering, you see, and Incognito is hoping a more cognito approach will change his buddy's mind.

Incognito began his digital mission following Long's visit to the Rams and has been at it the last two days. One of his best came at 8.45pm on Saturday night, when he Tweeted something sweet from the Incognito family scrapbook:

Who else will dress up with u on Halloween jake? #nobody #LEFTGUARDLOVE #brotherlylovepic.twitter.com/Y2EehGSffb

It'll be tough for Long to forget such special memories really, the kind only made when two large men are willing to be snapped arm-in-arm in their underpants.

(Then again, who the hell is that creepy bastard behind them??)

Elvis may have left the building

Broncos pass-rusher Elvis Dumervil was always on the team's mind---if you read between vice president of football operation John Elway's words, "I don't want to lose Elvis". But unfortunately the big boss man hit they hay lonesome tonight.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Dumervil has decided to take a pay cut after some rubberneckin', according to the latest news out of Denver, but his newly signed contract didn't hit Bronco HQ until seven minutes after the free agency deadline.

Trouble.

The Broncos can still sign Dumervil, but not without some salary cap fever. And perhaps worse, other teams also have the chance to entice the king of rushing, meaning Denver truly got stung.

This mess of blues needn't have happened if Dumervil's agent, presumably the Colonel, had worked out how to use his fax machine in under 35 minutes. Lawdy Miss Clawdy!

Still, the Broncos can reach the promised land without Dumervil, but would surely rather have the defensive end's 11 sacks or so, not to mention his presence, which is not the type of thing that's measured on the stats sheet. 

There's certainly some suspicion over this whole ordeal, however, and questions about Dumervil's intention to stick with Denver. Young dreams have a way of shifting a situation, don't they? 

Just as well fans have wooden hearts in this age where players believe anyplace is paradise, as long there's money---always enough to prompt two parties to go their separate ways.