A Pro Football Fantasy: The Return of Decent Defense

Making sense of the NFL in 2021 is harder than looking at Steve Belichick's hair. Yikes!

Personally I'd like to see a little more gel - I mean effort applied by a few of these football clubs, many of which are cruising through the first half of the season with all the energy of Todd Bowles after Thanksgiving dinner. 

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PIE?!

See, if you throw the ball to the other team - Sam Darnold, Teddy Bridgewater and even you, Mac Jones - your team will lose. They will. That's how this game works. Even bad defenses can handle that. However, most defenses in the NFL can't seem to handle much of anything anymore.

Unfortunately there are seemingly more teams than not that haven't Googled 'tackle' recently. Maybe Coach confiscated their phones?

The Browns are one of those teams, a group that literally craps its pants when a ball is sent airborne. The Cardinals posted 37 on the Browns in week 6, a squad that Pro Football Focus had in its second tier of defenses ahead of the season. That's second out of five! 

Oh, and the New York Giants, they did one better. They also don't know much about defending, giving up 38 points to the Rams. Sure, L.A. is good but they also traveled across country to New Jersey, where maybe you'd think the Giants might play with some desperation. Maybe put on their big blue unis and you know, "Do something!" as Bill Parcells once said.

Listen, the issue here isn't so much about a given team, per se, but teams that you expect better of. I mean nobody is demanding that the Lions can stop much of, well, anything, and so when they give up 30-something, that's cool, right? They tried. 

But other teams should be ashamed of themselves. The Miami Dolphins - seriously? Weren't we expecting you to make a splash in the 2021 postseason? You couldn't land a splash in a toilet after a double cheese burrito with that D. 

How about the ol' Steel Curtain? More like the Rumpus Room Drapes. Great, you beat the Seahawks in OT. You realize that wasn't Russell Wilson back there, don't you? It was Geno "Here, want the ball?" Smith. And you still only won by three. 

This wonderfully historic and vaunted Pittsburgh club has gone from the glory days of truly steely defense to allowing 20 points in one half to ... Geno Smith and Co? Most people didn't even know Geno was on a roster until a week ago, so congratulations on that.

How about the Titans secondary? You guys want to sort out who has who before the ball is snapped? Oh, I see, you prefer to just see how far Josh Allen can throw it first. Here's a tip - he can throw it over your heads, even if you're standing in the parking lot. 

Lucky for you, Titans, Derrick Henry is a sonic boom in attack.

Speaking of sonic booms, did you see Trevor Lawrence's post-game attire? Sure, it's a Jaguars issue under-vest-thing, so that presumably makes it okay. It's also an excuse for a guy with large arms to gesticulate a lot in front of the media, which might satisfy some in the crowd, but I think I speak for everyone on their sofas at home when I say, put a shirt on man, this isn't poolside at the Hampton Inn!

(Of course, this is the type of comment that can spin violently around cancel culture circles. I get it. But, you know what, I cancel your outrageous self-appointed mission to delete others. It was a vest at a podium, come on!)

Back to football ...

I've thought about it and maybe we should go easy on Teddy B. Was it his fault the Broncos line cantered like a pack of ponies to let defenders in? Teddy looked slower than late career John Wayne back there. Oh wait, he also likes to cuddle the Duke like the "Duke" cuddling his revolver, so there is some precedent here.

Speaking of helping the opposition, does anyone toss into traffic better than Danny Dimes? If there are four guys in the other jersey - in Jersey - around the middle of the field, give Jones a chance, he'll get it there gang. 

Against the Rams, the Giant's No.8 had an eye-popping 6.4 QBR. Listen, I don't know even know what QBR is but I'm pretty sure your QBR should be greater than your height. 

6.4 ... at this rate, the Post and Daily News should be calling him Danny Nickels. Thanks, I'll be here all week.

The Cooler: What's On Ice In Week 2 Of The NFL?

Week one of the NFL typically turned perceived realities upside down, and jiggled out the contents of our pockets to reveal actual truths. Dirty tissues, half a pack of Big Red and some loose change tumbled to the floor, but so too did an unpunched Super Bowl ticket. For all 32 teams, confidence remains high, until losses become consecutive. There's still a chance, albeit slim in some instances, of being on that ticket.

It's a beautiful time of year to say the least.

Wake up call for Pats

It's quite possible that Tom Brady exerted all of his energy celebrating that first touchdown pass to Gronk. Hey Tom, maybe drive on past Starbucks next Sunday. He must have had Cameron Wake on his mind all night and needed some extra pep, but it'll take more to stop the quickest man off the edge and with the league's fastest haircut. In week two, Brady faces the fastest truck out of a back lot, Adrian Peterson. It doesn't get any easier.

Scary good defense? 

Is Derek Carr the Raiders next franchise quarterback? He threw for 151 yards and two touchdowns in week one but more than that, Carr just looked the part. His miscues notwithstanding, Carr was confident, smart and got rid of the ball in a hurry. If Oakland can generate some runs from the backfield, Raider Nation might have something to celebrate even before Halloween. But not this week, not with the Texans defense riding into town.

Speaking of defense, how about that Jets line? Rex Ryan is about as tactful as Del Griffith in a motel room, but maybe when it comes to defense that's a good thing. The Jets unsettle signal-callers into a new pair of shorts, and while it's tough to take them on the road at Lambeau, we're not betting against the upset.

Wax on, wax off

The Steelers were sublime in the first half against the Browns. Roethlisberger looked like Plastic Man, extending plays with his stretchy limbs, while Antonio Brown mastered Ralph Macchio's crane kick, and Le'Veon Bell's charges had the Brownies begging for mercy. The defense let down later on, but it's hard to look past that steely attacking display. PS. Hoyer was good for Cleveland, while Manziel held the clipboard admirably.

Real whoppers

It's funny how some QBs get a free pass while others are worked through a grinder. Tony Romo is a hamburger pattie this week. Sure, he missed some very costly throws, but it's not like he was protected all that well early on, nor was he greatly assisted by his backs. But of course, the talking heads have been laying it on thick. Meanwhile, the likes of Joe Flacco, Geno Smith and the forever untouchable Aaron Rodgers waltz into week two like cheerleaders - never out of favor.

And on that note, isn't it about time the St Louis Rams get on the horn to Tim Tebow? In other quarterback news, Derek Anderson is back! But after his strong showing in Tampa, he surely needs to walk away on a high like George Costanza from a Kruger meeting.

"That's it, I'm out!"

Football's Trendiest Picks For 2014

Just before the NFL season starts, a few people lose their minds. It's as if the pent up energy sends them into a Pacino-like rage and before you know it they're snarling at friends and colleagues about the Chargers chances of going to the Super Bowl, and how YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY KNOW!

Many of these people work in the field of NFL speculation and report this to us online, where they routinely share such fun facts as Alex Smith will never be more than a game manager and that the Jags are on an almighty ascension. Oh, and the 49ers will be lucky to make the playoffs.

Huh? I suppose E should've stopped pursuing Sloan too?

As always there are other tasty morsels being tossed our way as the pro football table is set, and among those are the following:

Keys to Carr

Derek Carr is the starting QB in Oakland and this was the right move for a floundering organisation, we're told. Schaub is done, apparently, his arm now as heavy as the same slab of meat used in his infamous sandwich. We can debate the pros and cons of this decision all night but one thing's clear, and that is the Raiders may have had their eye patches on the wrong side all this time.

Then there's the Giants, who despite winning everything in the preseason will supposedly be abysmal offensively. Eli, it's no surprise, is the Mr Hyde to Peyton's Doctor Jekyll. It'll always be this way because Eli is an easy target—and he plays in a media market which excels at target practice. At least Dunkin' Donuts believes in him.

Monsters and BBQ

How about the Bears? Do enough people have them pencilled in for the Super Bowl yet? Listen, Cutler's arm is its own monster of the Midway, but the defense couldn't rouse a sleep-deprived Godzilla. 

More than a few experts who were bullish on the Bills last season and not so on the Jets, now see New York trending up and Buffalo sinking. What's changed? Well, I guess Smith was slightly better than Manuel last year, and neither of them came close to matching Tannehill in Miami. So logically, most pundits have the Fish finishing behind them both. 

Perhaps the most stunning withdrawal of faith is in Kansas City, a squad that did everything right last season until their points party with the Colts in the playoffs. That gutting loss will apparently be too much for the Chiefs to overcome this year, many say, despite them boasting the league's third best rusher, one of the game's most efficient passers, a potential terrifying pass rush, and the country's top bbq joints. Andy Reid is no slouch either, but maybe his tropical shirts suggest otherwise.

Throw a Dog a Bone

Hey I almost forgot, Philly will get to the big one, we're told. Yes, that's the Nick Foles led Eagles. Well, it's possible, I guess. Everyone thought Ivan Drago was impossible to overcome, didn't they? But why has the mob suddenly soured on RGIII and Washington?One minute you're the poster child for scintillation, the next your knee is less trusted than a slick new candidate on the hill. Where's Jaws when you need him?

Lastly, no hype reel would be complete without the Cleveland Manziels. You can understand why fans want Johnny Football on the field because behind the team's athletic o-line, he may just weave some magic not seen since the Kosar era. Then again, he might get crushed under a pile of slobbery dog bones.

Washington Football Team Name Change That Just Makes Sense

Before quarterback Rex Grossman left the Washington "Redskins", the most apt new name for the club was obvious—the Washington Rex-slings.

Not only would that moniker have eased over the tongue like chili from Ben's, but would've born culture relevance, and dare I say, gravitas. The old silhouetted logo might have been adapted to Rex’s face too, his crew cut neatly replacing the current feathers atop it. Equally as important, the old school ‘R’ would have stayed put as a result. It was just a win-win for Washington's marketing department and Hog fans alike.

But unfortunately Rexy is long gone from the scene, his slingshots will soon send third-string vapor trails across the Indiana sky. 

Well, as wonderful as it all would have been, nothing can’t happen until Mr Grossman goes back to Washington. And cursory visits, like his last preseason pine warming years ago, just aren't enough. We need him in the burgundy and gold to make this all a reality. 

So until then, there are several other name suggestions that might satisfy picketers. Firstly, I’m not against RedHawks, but it’s not quite right is it? It would require a drastic logo change, and while many people want a clean break from Washington’s footballing past, there’s no need to transform the entire image is there? For this reason, I’m higher on RedFeathers. There’s something dignified about it. And it rolls—not quite like Rexslings—but it still drops from your lips in a tight end-over-end fashion. It’d also work with all existing logos.

The other name suggestion worth consideration is Braves, mostly because it was the team's original name back in 1932, but also has better brand implications than the current nickname. Club insiders could appease owner Dan Snyder with this one as well, by noting the courage needed to make the switch, especially after he has long resisted. They could draw up pie charts and powerpoint graphs that show how the move could reshape his reputation, raising it from Richard Nixon territory to Theismann and Duke Ellington company.

Still, I know what you’re thinking. You can’t get Rexslings out of your head, right? Me neither. There’s still time America. There's still time.

Bounty Hunters Out As Fantasy Tilts Into New Era

In the world of money collection there have been a few exceptional talents. Among them, Rocky Balboa, Chili Palmer and that roundish guy from Rounders. Not surprisingly, they all packed a punch, and a few pounds.

The ultimate pound of flesh guy was Shakespeare's Shylock, of course, but it's way too early in the football calendar to get literary. Let's save that for when the Raiders and Dolphins meet in London Town.

Now you could employ one of the aforementioned goons to collect your fantasy football payments, but it’d probably come at a premium and who knows if you’d come away without a black eye for your trouble. Alternatively, there's a more roguish figure like Boba Fett, who always seemed efficiently cool, but you know, I think that weird salivating sandpit in Return Of The Jedi may have digested him by now.

Meanwhile, there's a company by the name of Tilt that's based in San Francisco and formerly known as Crowdtilt, which has moved into this arena — the seemingly untapped market of fantasy football fee collection.

The premise of its new offering is that collecting league entry fees can be a hassle, and while I've never had to do it, I've certainly sensed the agitation it's caused league managers when asked for "just two more days...please...I'll pay you double....whatever you want."

Who knew fantasy commissioners wielded the power of Don Corleone?

Using Tilt, which has partnered with sports media giant ESPN in this endeavor, league commissioners log in through Facebook, and can set payments and the number of teams involved before any prize money is made available. 

The company charges 95c fee for each team using a debit card and an additional 2.9% processing charge if the payment is made by credit card. This is a one time fee, it should be noted. Commissioners can also communicate with team owners in their league through the Tilt system and customize payouts as required.

The partnership with Disney-owned ESPN is a strong turn for Tilt, something in the realm of Colin Kaepernick looping a long ball to Vernon Davis. This is a joint score, however, because Tilt's technology will provide ESPN and its fantasy players with an easy to use and secure payment set-up, which was previously lacking. On the other side, ESPN's brand clout presumably appealed to Tilt.

Tilt started in 2012 as a firm that helps people crowdfund, raise or pool money. Last year it shortened its name to Tilt with the aim of broadening its vision to include the idea of something tipping or tilting behind a critical mass. In this vein, moving into fantasy football is a clever step.

Candlestick Park: One Last Drop Back

One reason football makes other sports feel like watching checkers in heavy fog, is its iconic settings. Those big places, after all, are more than bricks and mortar, beer taps and urinal cakes, crumpled beer cups and forgotten ticket stubs under seats. They give meaning to the NFL. 

Along with Tom Brady's hair.

Soulless concrete stadiums enliven on game days because of the intangible energy that wraps around the field and its surrounding bleachers. It lifts players to rare heights and fans two feet from their seats, and lingers long after the final whistle. Atmosphere needs a place to swell. 

Sure, it might quieten each Monday, drowned out by the buzz of lawnmowers, the whip of sprinklers and sweeping brooms, and SportsCenter's 'Boo-yahs'. But any metaphysical matter that can fill an arena is capable of setting into its beams and lodging in crevices, both those within gray pylons and ourselves. It then stays a while. It's simply something that giant screens and wi-fi technology could never connect us to. 

Which is why it hurts to see such old places pulverised. 

Candlestick Park in San Francisco is slated for demolition later this year, according to SFGate.com, allowing for a prolonged farewell that may even include Paul McCartney doing a creaky version of Long Tall Sally. 

Ohhhh baby, we're gonna have some fun that night!

In the late summer of 1966, The Beatles added yet another layer to 'the Stick's' iconic fabric as only they could, in what was to be their final live show anywhere. The guitars twanged richly that evening, but it's hard to be sure over time, given the piercing screams that drown the show's lasting audio. Hitting fewer vocal peaks these days, I'm sure Sir Paul wouldn't mind those same squeals the next time around.

The Fab Four played their last live show at the Stick

It's indeed a cruel twist fate that awaits all venerable stadiums sitting on prime real estate: Developers eventually catch up to rising markets and no amount of NFL memorabilia could outstrip the value of a building on Candlestick Point. No, men with grand visions, grander than bulldozing from the backfield to the end zone, that is, chase these sorts of opportunities down like the Coyote after the Roadrunner. If they catch you, your team as you know it, is through.

If only Roger Craig was still running.

How things change. One day you're wondering if Montana can hit Rice on a fade, the next Montana's saying things like he was never that enamoured with the park anyway.

Joe, say it isn't so?

The Stick, glorious home of the mighty 49ers for more than 40 years, will supposedly turn into a shopping mall and some residential space. To progress nowadays, it seems, you must supplant history - with a few walk-in wardrobes.

Niners quarterback John Brodie, 1971

The Niners are moving to Santa Clara, a decent commute south of San Francisco, and into a $1.2 billion home which is near complete. All that's apparently missing from the new Levi's Stadium is its Bandera Bermuda grass, and the players new denim pants. Okay I made that second part up. But they will be wearing denim jocks.

Listen, I get that things - especially big cement things - become outdated. Seats shrink and scoreboards expand. Paint peels and toilets decay. Where it was once easy to find a spot for a LeBaron, an SUV is different proposition. 

A visual of the new stadium in Santa Clara

Yes, the new digs look pretty swish and will fast fill the Niners backdrop. Hey, shivering in the upper deck on an icy Monday night, might just become a distant memory. That's what we're aiming for, right? Before you know it, you'll be making crazy comments like you were never a fan of the old park. 

But I'll miss the place, typified by the lively bus ride through town and neighborhood streets, down to the arena where the winds are so fierce there's no justifiable reason to punt a football. But the 49ers did so anyway. And also rolled out plays that delighted fans so much, for so long.

The images and sounds of them all, the many memories, still huddle around the Stick's old walls, waiting for the next great play to be called.

Coach Walsh helps Joe look for his keys

First ones here, and we'll be the first to leave!

And they said Sochi wouldn't be ready

If pro QBs moonlighted at your local deli

A photo taken at a Houston-based restaurant rounded the web recently because of its tongue-in-cheek dig at Texans quarterback, Matt Schaub.

The shop's sandwich board read:

Matt Schaub special - Pick Six - Toppings for you burger.

The clever idea got us thinking, what if pro quarterbacks actually moonlighted at your neighborhood deli?

So without further ado...

If Peyton Manning worked your local deli counter, orders would change last second and hit your hands before you looked up.

If Ben Roethlisberger worked your local deli counter, your pastrami on rye would end up sacked in a steaming heap.

If Geno Smith worked your local deli counter, Rex Ryan would insist a sub be named after him.

If Alex Smith worked your local deli counter, sandwiches would be quick and precise, but mostly under-appreciated.

If Cam Newton worked your local deli counter, the service would dazzle but leave you wanting more.

If Aaron Rodgers worked your local deli counter, it'd be high quality but relentless reviews by sports anchors would leave an unsavory taste.      
 
If Jay Cutler worked your local deli counter, orders would fly out with extra mustard and a sprinkle of disdain.

If Tony Romo worked your local deli counter, all wrong orders would be blamed on him, even on his day off.

If Carson Palmer worked your local deli counter, the turnovers would stand out.

Is Tannehill the right call in Miami, right now?

Former Miami Dolphins quarterback, Don Strock, was interviewed for The Finsiders blog this week, which was interesting because writer, Andy Cohen, later repeated Strock's answers on being a back-up to the team's current second-stringer, Matt Moore. He cleverly reported this in the story.

What stood out was Moore’s maturity and patience on a matter that would grind the gears of most QBs until they combusted. 

But it’s warm and sparkly down in Florida, you see, where spirals probably glisten a little more en route to the hands, cheerleaders seem more sprightly and full of bounce, and melting ice cream in the swelter tastes fruitier to the tongue. 

So why blow up over holding a clipboard in the sun, right? 

One nugget from Strock to Moore was, “Your time will come”, which the current back-up knows all too well.

Moore responded, “Well, it’s come true in the past for me. So if history repeats itself, I guess my time will come."

Moore is a guy who says the right things, and then when he hits the field, mostly does alright too. And they said Tom Cruise had all the right moves. Well, he did, until about the second Mission Impossible flick. It seemed to get a little strange after that. Perhaps it was all the John Woo slo-mo sequences that messed up his equilibrium.

The thing is, I’m still not convinced Ryan Tannehill should be Miami’s starting signal-caller, even after his decent rookie year. I like his upside, don’t get me wrong. He has arm strength. He can run. He looks business-like at press conferences and his wife hits it out of the ball park before the pitch is even thrown. 

What’s not to like about Team Tannehill? 

But still, I don’t really care about media moves and showy draft picks for the sake of ticket sales – I care about wins. And if you’re a Fins fan, you’d certainly be asking yourself after the Hall Of Fame Game on Sunday - other than how does Chris Collinsworth get the part in his hair to stay like that – should I be worried that Tannehill looked shaky?

Yes, it’s preseason. And it was just five plays. Yet, Moore came in, and as it always does when No.8 sets up shop behind center, the offense moved. Sure, he made a couple of questionable calls himself. We all have. I’m still getting ripped for a pair of pants in my closet I thought were men’s. This whole ‘skinny’ fashion trend is so confusing. 

The point is, Moore gives the team more - quite literally. Certainly he’s a little loose – somewhat Favrean, if you will. But as long as he stays retired when he eventually hangs the cleats up, and keeps the crotch selfies to himself, I’m on board.

Miami should be too. 

Cool Rankings: Football's trending teams

1. Philadelphia Eagles

Many in the media are obsessed with Philly. Whether booed, ballyhooed or berated, the Eagles trend upward because Sal Paolantonio and Co. treat the color of Andy Reid’s underpants as breaking news. (Side note: Reid's y-fronts are a game-time decision).

2. Kansas City Chiefs

The talk is Kansas City are in the driver’s seat for next year’s top draft pick---you'd assume a quarterback. Sure, Cassel has underwhelmed. But isn’t it entirely possible he’s playing with a tainted deck? There’s certainly no ace, a couple of queens, and more than a few jokers. Cassel’s real problem is lucky No.7---it’s too much to live up to when your o-line has nothing up its sleeve.

3. Chicago Bears

A few weeks back, Chicago was touted as a juggernaut by many of the talking heads. Then Cutler was crunched, the defense was buried in burden, and Jason Campbell forgot quarterback is a job that requires you to be conscious. Now the Bears are back, fulfilling their usual hype at the onset of winter.

4. New England Patriots

New England fans keep telling us they worry about their team’s defense. "Oh, thy secondary!" they cry. The running game is lackluster, they claim. Even Brady’s hair has lost some sheen, so say Boston stylists. Meanwhile, the Pats continue the charge. Don’t expect this approach to change until the Giants refund their New Orleans flights.

5. San Francisco 49ers

Kaepernick! The 49ers haven’t had this much press since Singletary dropped his Dockers. Things have come full circle: Coach Jim Harbaugh pulled Alex Smith’s pants down before the smelling salts even kicked in. Rest assured, Smith is still "his guy".

Kaepernick sitting pretty

Alex Smith, a man with an average name, is said to have average quarterbacking skills. In some circles, quarterbacks that successfully manage an offense and limit errors, are a valuable commodity. In others, they are a kind of pariah, undermining creativity, or spontaneity, or something.

Whatever the problem with these quarterbacks---as opposed to bulging, happy-footed wildcards---the NFL enjoys the competition the same way John Hughes dedicated himself to the study of nerds versus studs. And this is where our pro football/retro movie study begins.

Remember Hughes’ Pretty in Pink in which Molly Ringwald’s character, Andie, is smitten with preppie Blane while pal Duckie plays second fiddle? Well, if Blane was a quarterback, he’d be the 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick. Stay with me here. That would make Smith Duckie, and Coach Jim Harbaugh Andie. (Ringwald’s characters often rubbed others the wrong way, so this analogy isn’t as big a stretch as you might think).

What Hughes unpacked so eloquently in his stories, was the hope of something better. Many of his protagonists stumble into popularity only after facing a lifetime of heartache. In some instances, Pretty in Pink being one of them, the chief character is so infatuated with the idea of leaping from the wrong side of the tracks, that when she meets success, all other options pale in comparison.

So, of course, once Kaepernick strutted onto the scene, Smith paled in the eyes of Harbaugh. Not because he was underperforming, throwing too many picks, or complained that Candlestick's winds were ruffling his beard. No, it's because like Duckie, he's reliable, but will never make your heart flutter. The cooler and outwardly more confident Kaepernick apparently will---some say he already has---having worked his mojo into Harbaugh’s heart with intermediate experience. Something tells me the edgy coach favors tattoos and goatees over clean cut niceties. 

With Smith nursing a concussion, Kaepernick has surely stepped up in two games. He’s tossed three touchdowns and 680 yards, and has an astronomical passer rating for a young QB. Yes, the 49ers look good with "Kaep" behind center. So much so that a number of pundits are claiming he has earned his chance. In truth, he's earned the chance about as much as Andrew McCarthy's sports jacket gave his character street cred.

Okay, the Niners are glimmering right now. But weren't they with Smith anyway? In 16 games last season, Smith threw for 3,144 yards, 17 touchdowns and just five interceptions---remember? That was good enough to lift the Niners from irrelevancy and propel them into Super Bowl contention. But that was last year. So, for posterity's sake, let it be re-stated here that Smith, to this point in 2012, has thrown 13 touchdowns, completed 70% of his passes, and notched the best passer rating of his career (104). Listen, those are just numbers. If you need proof, revisit his superb scrambling and deft passing in last season's playoff against the Saints. 

It seems quarterbacks, like underappreciated spouses, are vulnerable to the fading light of late autumn. What once seemed lithe, energetic, and full of prospect, suddenly moves in unflattering tones. Smith, though once heralded, has never really been appreciated in San Francisco, at least not by Niners brass. As the top pick in 2005, the sleight and cerebral QB was destined to struggle. Not even supersonic Cam Newton has overcome doubters as the No.1 pick---what chance did Smith ever have? It quickly became apparent he had entered into a one-sided affair in which he'd never find true happiness. Now with the rise of Kaepernick, Smith’s fate as a 49er has been sealed. He’s Jon Cryer, minus the Emmy.

Hey, good luck to Harbaugh, but Smith deserves better. The current 49ers "quarterback controversy", a re-imagining of the Montana – Young duel of 1991, reflects an outcome that’s too commonly accepted in the NFL: that the "other guy" always has greater potential. Of course he has greater potential because nobody knows what that potential is. For this reason, the back-up quarterback, the unproven talent, the unfulfilled fantasy, should be the aspiration of every young signal-caller. Ask Tim Tebow, he'll tell you. He's kneeling in gratitude before the football deity as we speak. 

So here's to a happy ending for Smith. The great John Hughes, at the very least, would have wanted it that way.

NFL training camp's most telling numbers

Infographics are in seemingly more places now than Terrell Owens. But unlike TO, they're not going to unsettle your favourite quarterback, or disrupt the inner workings of your team. They're simply colorful and informative...like John Madden.

So we're pleased to bring you our first ever football infographic, courtesy of our new friends over at The Football Educator. This one is about training camp, and interestingly represents the amount of Gatorade consumed, or at least made available for consumption---twenty-five cases! (Note: we can't confirm how much of the Jets' 25 were solely consumed by Rex Ryan but hope an infographic is in the offing).

Taking the bait in Miami

It's high time somebody called out Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, firstly, for whatever role he played in the signing of Chad Johnson, but mostly for turning the Fins into his own personal PR project.

Miami, one of the NFL's great clubs by any measure - wins, memorable games, legendary players, iconic branding - entered the league just when things really started sizzling. It was 1966, and the NFL and AFL rivalry was so hot, a merger of frank and mustard proportions was inevitable. The likes of the Oakland Raiders, Buffalo Bills and San Diego Chargers were burning up gridirons in the new league, and the only thing left to do was expand. Where? Why south! South Beach to be exact, where talents have been taken and defining the landscape since Sinatra and the boys threw back Jacks at the Fountainbleau.

And yet, after all the history, the martinis, the thrills and throws, showman and showoffs, from Dino to Marino, we have a tax accountant cum millionaire real estate man calling the shots in Miami. How does this happen, you ask? Commerce friends. It's a powerful thing and it often knows very little about the hook and ladder.

But perhaps the last straw, the whittled and worn thread remaining after the penultimate twig, is that now there are rumors that Ross wants to change the Dolphins logo. First LeBron James betrayed Cleveland for the palm-lined paradise, now this. What's next, Fergie at quarterback?

It's truly hard to like the Dolphins during this bizarro phase. They're not Kramer - they're Feldman. They're not Buzz Lightyear - they're a mindless preprogrammed clone hellbent on more than infinity. And with a new logo, purportedly something you'd see imprinted on the glass doors of a pastel shaded Fort Lauderdale resort, they further run the risk of alienating fans. That is unless they're keen on filling seats with Mr. Ross' vacationing buddies.

I can't really see them dancing to Enrique Iglesias pre-game, can you?

It's a different NFL era, does it have to be?

Football may have reached a cultural crossroads considering its hyper popularity conflicting with its hyper violence. But is it just the victim of a hyper perfect society?

As Grantland's Chuck Klosterman says in a recent column, it might be a nonexistent intersection, which will never reach a conclusion. But I wonder if we were able to simplify our collective thinking so that it more closely resembled the way we used to be before the Unlimited Information Era, then perhaps we could slow down football, and in turn, dial some of its issues down to a more manageable level.

Now I'm not talking about concussions specifically, because as we know, head injuries have become a rather grim and sad indictment of today's full-contact NFL football. I'm speaking more broadly about the way people function today, and the way many football players function today - with this sort of pseudo-bravado and hunger to be not only the best, but the most visible, the one who hits the hardest, delivers the most damage, or appears on SportsCenter most often. It seems for many NFL players, the literal conquering of the opposition, is more important than making a sound play. Intensity has been replaced by ferocity. Physical dominance has been replaced by brutality. If this is what is important to so many, as the New Orleans bounty case has shown us, then what hope have we of quelling the unnecessary component of football's violence? And when we say unnecessary, we must consider the excess violence that some players partake in. 

The argument we commonly hear is that football is a violent game and that's that. But we might also conclude that football has never been more violent than it is right now, and it's because many of the people playing the game consider themselves an extension of the tackle - they are weapons. These individuals are part of that hyper perfect society - overly engineered, over achieving Terminator types - who show all the concern for their on-field colleagues as a drunk driver. Can't football be played with a degree of responsibility? Well, of course, it can be.

When pro football players wore leather helmets, and labored through slow, muddied and grinding affairs, in which running, not passing, was a special commodity, we imagine there were less brutal injuries. We believe this because at a slower pace, with less equipment, men were less able to intentionally damage others, and as a result, their minds weren't geared towards it. Of course, the game became more dynamic, people grew bigger, moved closer to perfect, and were equally equipped with the latest technology - the hyper society complicated a simple game of yardage. 

But launching at another man with a cannonball atop your shoulders isn't really football, is it? It's an attempt to sideline someone. If that's football, the game of great athletes, clever tactics, and unparalleled story lines then I must have missed something.

There are no easy answers to dealing with violent sports. But other games manage. Rugby is played by more than a hundred nations, for example, and you rarely see the type of horrific collisions in rugby that you see in pro football. And to the naked eye, rugby is a far more bruising affair than the NFL. That's because the game's owners, and supporters, and protagonists, cling to the tradition of the task - not to merely the way the task looks. They're committed to the skill and strategy, to tackling with the right techniques, and less to the spectacle. The NFL is spectacular, and moves pretty fast, and we love it. But some of its people need to stop and take a look around every once in a while, or they could miss it. 

Tebow and Sanchez spitballing

In spite of the passive-aggressive offseason criticism, the pent up big city anxiety, and the Woody Allen-like pessimism, the Jets are likely to have a successful offense in 2012-13 for one simple reason: quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow are able to move on from mistakes faster than Don Draper.

At a recent training session, each QB revealed better navigation of the press pocket than anything they could do behind center.

Sanchez said of his approach to improving: “Don’t get caught up in who completed what ball, who didn’t — don’t even let your mind go there. It’s not worth the time. It’s a waste. Just focus on the next play, have a short memory and keep playing. Be the leader this team needs.”

Tebow said of his error prone workout: "It's definitely frustrating, but it's seven-on-seven and those plays are the first time I ran them. I'll learn from it. Honestly, it won't bother me again. When you make a bad play, put it behind you and move on."

At this rate both men could be benched for Fireman Ed and still find the silver lining.

"He's just such a fiery competitor, with tremendous spelling skills, and nobody utilizes the crowd's energy like Ed does," they might say in unison to a throng of reporters. "Don't underestimate the reach of that man's hose."

Lolo Jones tweets would ensue.

9 ways to be drafted in the NFL's first round

1. Be named for good fortune (Luck), or like a millionaire, Thurston (Griffin III). 
2. Parade your gorgeous wife to upstage any doubts (Ryan Tannehill). 
3. Hug the commish to validate choice to Jets fans (Quinton Coples). 
4. Ride a wave of popularity, or better yet, a Crimson Tide (Richardson, Barron, Kirkpatrick, Hightower). 
5. Be the best back in the draft (Trent Richardson), but not to the greatest of all time, Jim Brown. 
6. Stall buzz (Chandler Jones), but accelerate credibility as a Bill Belichick pick. 
7. Own the draft day cap, even when it doesn't fit (Dre Kirkpatrick). 
8. Offer speed, promise a rush (Bruce Irvin), outrun Seattle's Twelfth Man. 
9. Be a 28-year old quarterback for a team needing the real McCoy. 

Best safety-man ever

This Peanuts sketch, a draft by the great Charles Schultz, is one of my favorites. Of course it's not as iconic as Lucy's ongoing kick-holder gag, but there's something surprising and hilarious about Snoopy swooping in on Chuck like Ed Reed. And then the casual delivery of the punchline, "Best safety-man we've ever had," is so silly it's both heartwarming and brilliant.