NFL's Cool Rankings: Titans and Packers surge in coolness

Artwork by Bob Smerecki, Fine Art America.

The NFL is filled with clubs that remind us of the awkward corner table in the lunchtime cafeteria. The unwanted and wedgied tend to dwell there, thumbing crumbs from a blueberry muffin or sipping on a warm milk, waiting for their turn at the cool table. 

Fear not friends, everyone's time in the sun comes and your table awaits. But in the NFL, coolness is but an illusion - a fleeting moment in which the trendiest of participants suddenly boasts a glorious sheen. 

See, the shift occurs abruptly, like the rapid onset of stomach cramps after a few too many lava covered hot wings, and then, without warning, there's a rush to the bowl - not the Super variety you understand - but one that is no less sanitized. 

Indeed, it takes spicy bravado to ascend our Cool Rankings, which ultimately represent the trendiest and most appealing teams of the day. Think of the '85 Bears in, well, 1985, or the '72 Dolphins, who hogged the mantle for two straight seasons. Or the eighties 49ers, who somehow remained cool for a decade and a half. That was rare - Joe Cool Montana - was an outlier, but that's not to say it can't ever be done again. 

"Hey, is that John Candy?" Who says that ... ?

And so now let's stop yapping about former glories and slide on our Fonzie jackets (sorry Gen Z, not all online references have to be made from 5 minutes ago, there's such a thing as history!). And in the annals of NFL media, no list has become as important - not even those endlessly persistent rankings of power we are force fed like Mario Bros mushrooms - as Why Football Is Cool's Cool Rankings. 

Here is the top 5 of cool:

1. "Ehhhhhh!" (with Winkler thumbs) 

Tennessee Titans: Who runs it better than the Titans? Well a several teams by the numbers, sure, but few look as good doing it as Derrick Henry. He's like a shiny heavy duty Ram truck throttling down the I-40. Warning! Do not try and stop this man, people. When 22 gets churning, the hair flying and the red gloves pumping, opposing teams might as well pull into a rest stop and pour a coffee. 

2. "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants." 

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers wants us to know that he owns the Chicago Bears. Boy did that red hot poker of a statement set the internet's rear alight. From the EPSN to the Chicago Sun-Times and Yahoo! Sports across to NBC Sports, they lapped up the steamy fodder like a starving bear on a block of gouda.

3. "Stay cool, honey bunny." 

Arizona Cardinals: It's just too easy now to say that Kyler Murray plays like he's in a video game. We get it, he's small and wears a giant helmet that makes him look like Nintendo's Mega-man. Like that little blue blip of pixelated hero, Kyler scampers, dives, hops, bops and heaves to high scores. It's weird looking football to be honest because everything the Cards do looks so damn frantic. Hey, it works and together with a pretty solid defense, who's going to stop them in the NFC?

4. "That's cool baby, you know how it is ... " 

Baltimore Ravens: Like Kyler, Lamar Jackson does impossible things, not least of which is leading his team over the highly charged Chargers outfit. Granted, L.A. had yellow pants on that's a tough start for anyone, but they also have the NFL's hottest young thrower of the ball, Justin Herbert. But this is about Lamar, who zigs and zags, zips and zooms around like a video game character not yet invented. Together with his rushing offsiders Devonta Freeman, Latavius Murray and Devin Duvernay, it just feels like Halloween in Baltimore will be more celebratory than spooked.

5. "What's the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?" 

Cincinnati Bengals: You can, you are! Don't look now but the Bengals are a very cool team. I don't think any of us have though that for 33 years when they played in the Super Bowl. As Chris Simms like to say, "The Baaangles" are in fact pretty good, "and all of those sorts of things." Right you are Chris! Come Monday mornings, everything must be less manic in Cincinnati surely, and perhaps even have a tinge of tiger magic.

A Pro Football Fantasy: The Return of Decent Defense

Making sense of the NFL in 2021 is harder than looking at Steve Belichick's hair. Yikes!

Personally I'd like to see a little more gel - I mean effort applied by a few of these football clubs, many of which are cruising through the first half of the season with all the energy of Todd Bowles after Thanksgiving dinner. 

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PIE?!

See, if you throw the ball to the other team - Sam Darnold, Teddy Bridgewater and even you, Mac Jones - your team will lose. They will. That's how this game works. Even bad defenses can handle that. However, most defenses in the NFL can't seem to handle much of anything anymore.

Unfortunately there are seemingly more teams than not that haven't Googled 'tackle' recently. Maybe Coach confiscated their phones?

The Browns are one of those teams, a group that literally craps its pants when a ball is sent airborne. The Cardinals posted 37 on the Browns in week 6, a squad that Pro Football Focus had in its second tier of defenses ahead of the season. That's second out of five! 

Oh, and the New York Giants, they did one better. They also don't know much about defending, giving up 38 points to the Rams. Sure, L.A. is good but they also traveled across country to New Jersey, where maybe you'd think the Giants might play with some desperation. Maybe put on their big blue unis and you know, "Do something!" as Bill Parcells once said.

Listen, the issue here isn't so much about a given team, per se, but teams that you expect better of. I mean nobody is demanding that the Lions can stop much of, well, anything, and so when they give up 30-something, that's cool, right? They tried. 

But other teams should be ashamed of themselves. The Miami Dolphins - seriously? Weren't we expecting you to make a splash in the 2021 postseason? You couldn't land a splash in a toilet after a double cheese burrito with that D. 

How about the ol' Steel Curtain? More like the Rumpus Room Drapes. Great, you beat the Seahawks in OT. You realize that wasn't Russell Wilson back there, don't you? It was Geno "Here, want the ball?" Smith. And you still only won by three. 

This wonderfully historic and vaunted Pittsburgh club has gone from the glory days of truly steely defense to allowing 20 points in one half to ... Geno Smith and Co? Most people didn't even know Geno was on a roster until a week ago, so congratulations on that.

How about the Titans secondary? You guys want to sort out who has who before the ball is snapped? Oh, I see, you prefer to just see how far Josh Allen can throw it first. Here's a tip - he can throw it over your heads, even if you're standing in the parking lot. 

Lucky for you, Titans, Derrick Henry is a sonic boom in attack.

Speaking of sonic booms, did you see Trevor Lawrence's post-game attire? Sure, it's a Jaguars issue under-vest-thing, so that presumably makes it okay. It's also an excuse for a guy with large arms to gesticulate a lot in front of the media, which might satisfy some in the crowd, but I think I speak for everyone on their sofas at home when I say, put a shirt on man, this isn't poolside at the Hampton Inn!

(Of course, this is the type of comment that can spin violently around cancel culture circles. I get it. But, you know what, I cancel your outrageous self-appointed mission to delete others. It was a vest at a podium, come on!)

Back to football ...

I've thought about it and maybe we should go easy on Teddy B. Was it his fault the Broncos line cantered like a pack of ponies to let defenders in? Teddy looked slower than late career John Wayne back there. Oh wait, he also likes to cuddle the Duke like the "Duke" cuddling his revolver, so there is some precedent here.

Speaking of helping the opposition, does anyone toss into traffic better than Danny Dimes? If there are four guys in the other jersey - in Jersey - around the middle of the field, give Jones a chance, he'll get it there gang. 

Against the Rams, the Giant's No.8 had an eye-popping 6.4 QBR. Listen, I don't know even know what QBR is but I'm pretty sure your QBR should be greater than your height. 

6.4 ... at this rate, the Post and Daily News should be calling him Danny Nickels. Thanks, I'll be here all week.