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| Artwork by Bob Smerecki, Fine Art America. |
The NFL is filled with clubs that remind us of the awkward corner table in the lunchtime cafeteria. The unwanted and wedgied tend to dwell there, thumbing crumbs from a blueberry muffin or sipping on a warm milk, waiting for their turn at the cool table.
Fear not friends, everyone's time in the sun comes and your table awaits. But in the NFL, coolness is but an illusion - a fleeting moment in which the trendiest of participants suddenly boasts a glorious sheen.
See, the shift occurs abruptly, like the rapid onset of stomach cramps after a few too many lava covered hot wings, and then, without warning, there's a rush to the bowl - not the Super variety you understand - but one that is no less sanitized.
Indeed, it takes spicy bravado to ascend our Cool Rankings, which ultimately represent the trendiest and most appealing teams of the day. Think of the '85 Bears in, well, 1985, or the '72 Dolphins, who hogged the mantle for two straight seasons. Or the eighties 49ers, who somehow remained cool for a decade and a half. That was rare - Joe Cool Montana - was an outlier, but that's not to say it can't ever be done again.
"Hey, is that John Candy?" Who says that ... ?
And so now let's stop yapping about former glories and slide on our Fonzie jackets (sorry Gen Z, not all online references have to be made from 5 minutes ago, there's such a thing as history!). And in the annals of NFL media, no list has become as important - not even those endlessly persistent rankings of power we are force fed like Mario Bros mushrooms - as Why Football Is Cool's Cool Rankings.
Here is the top 5 of cool:
1. "Ehhhhhh!" (with Winkler thumbs)
2. "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants."
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers wants us to know that he owns the Chicago Bears. Boy did that red hot poker of a statement set the internet's rear alight. From the EPSN to the Chicago Sun-Times and Yahoo! Sports across to NBC Sports, they lapped up the steamy fodder like a starving bear on a block of gouda.
3. "Stay cool, honey bunny."
Arizona Cardinals: It's just too easy now to say that Kyler Murray plays like he's in a video game. We get it, he's small and wears a giant helmet that makes him look like Nintendo's Mega-man. Like that little blue blip of pixelated hero, Kyler scampers, dives, hops, bops and heaves to high scores. It's weird looking football to be honest because everything the Cards do looks so damn frantic. Hey, it works and together with a pretty solid defense, who's going to stop them in the NFC?
4. "That's cool baby, you know how it is ... "
Baltimore Ravens: Like Kyler, Lamar Jackson does impossible things, not least of which is leading his team over the highly charged Chargers outfit. Granted, L.A. had yellow pants on that's a tough start for anyone, but they also have the NFL's hottest young thrower of the ball, Justin Herbert. But this is about Lamar, who zigs and zags, zips and zooms around like a video game character not yet invented. Together with his rushing offsiders Devonta Freeman, Latavius Murray and Devin Duvernay, it just feels like Halloween in Baltimore will be more celebratory than spooked.
5. "What's the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?"
Cincinnati Bengals: You can, you are! Don't look now but the Bengals are a very cool team. I don't think any of us have though that for 33 years when they played in the Super Bowl. As Chris Simms like to say, "The Baaangles" are in fact pretty good, "and all of those sorts of things." Right you are Chris! Come Monday mornings, everything must be less manic in Cincinnati surely, and perhaps even have a tinge of tiger magic.
