New Year's Resolutions From Around The NFL

So here we are in 2022, a chance to reflect, revise and maybe even re-set. In football circles there's a need to revisit a few loose plays of the past year. 

It's time for a few new year's resolutions ...

The Seattle Seahawks, once proud inhabitants of the Kingdome, promise to stop giving their stadium weird names. Qwest and now Lumen aren't exactly catchy or inspiring titles for the 12th Man. Can we just go back to cool arena nicknames please?

Kyler Murray is hoping to familiarize himself with the shape of the ol' Duke a little more, so you know, he stops it slipping from his hands like butter in the Phoenix sun. 

The NFL assures fans that teams like this season's middling Eagles won't make the playoffs in the future, especially not with a record that would have had them in last once upon a time.

The Jags are suggesting they might actually learn football in 2022. Oh, and hire a coach that can help them to do so.

Coach Belichick is considering some stand-in resolutions to feed the media the next time he's asked, instead of acting like the question is a horrendous invasion of privacy.

Jimmy Garoppolo will try and get his QBR as high as his GQ rating in the year ahead. 

The Minnesota Vikings claim that in 2022 they will either shoot for the championship or fall to the cellar, finally doing away with their happy place of mediocrity. 

Commissioner Roger Goodell is proposing that parity is not so much a resolution but a right of passage for all fans. (Most fanbases are demanding a refund over this second-rate approach however).

The Chicago Bears are agreeing to play without a quarterback next season because by George they surely don't know how to play with one.

John Elway will slip the No.7 back on in Denver because after years of watching shocking QB play he figures he couldn't do it any worse at 61.  

Washington's head brass will stop causing everyone to cry WTF! and give the WFT a new moniker. Red Hawks, Red Hogs, Red Roses or the Red Auerbachs ... whatever ... just something. Anything.

The Jets marketing people agree to stop dressing the team in Green Lantern costumes. 

The League will stop playing a distinctly American game in London, where perhaps they'll be stunned to hear that most sports fans won't be emailing Dean Blandino for a review of the decision.

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NFL's Cool Rankings: Titans and Packers surge in coolness

Artwork by Bob Smerecki, Fine Art America.

The NFL is filled with clubs that remind us of the awkward corner table in the lunchtime cafeteria. The unwanted and wedgied tend to dwell there, thumbing crumbs from a blueberry muffin or sipping on a warm milk, waiting for their turn at the cool table. 

Fear not friends, everyone's time in the sun comes and your table awaits. But in the NFL, coolness is but an illusion - a fleeting moment in which the trendiest of participants suddenly boasts a glorious sheen. 

See, the shift occurs abruptly, like the rapid onset of stomach cramps after a few too many lava covered hot wings, and then, without warning, there's a rush to the bowl - not the Super variety you understand - but one that is no less sanitized. 

Indeed, it takes spicy bravado to ascend our Cool Rankings, which ultimately represent the trendiest and most appealing teams of the day. Think of the '85 Bears in, well, 1985, or the '72 Dolphins, who hogged the mantle for two straight seasons. Or the eighties 49ers, who somehow remained cool for a decade and a half. That was rare - Joe Cool Montana - was an outlier, but that's not to say it can't ever be done again. 

"Hey, is that John Candy?" Who says that ... ?

And so now let's stop yapping about former glories and slide on our Fonzie jackets (sorry Gen Z, not all online references have to be made from 5 minutes ago, there's such a thing as history!). And in the annals of NFL media, no list has become as important - not even those endlessly persistent rankings of power we are force fed like Mario Bros mushrooms - as Why Football Is Cool's Cool Rankings. 

Here is the top 5 of cool:

1. "Ehhhhhh!" (with Winkler thumbs) 

Tennessee Titans: Who runs it better than the Titans? Well a several teams by the numbers, sure, but few look as good doing it as Derrick Henry. He's like a shiny heavy duty Ram truck throttling down the I-40. Warning! Do not try and stop this man, people. When 22 gets churning, the hair flying and the red gloves pumping, opposing teams might as well pull into a rest stop and pour a coffee. 

2. "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants." 

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers wants us to know that he owns the Chicago Bears. Boy did that red hot poker of a statement set the internet's rear alight. From the EPSN to the Chicago Sun-Times and Yahoo! Sports across to NBC Sports, they lapped up the steamy fodder like a starving bear on a block of gouda.

3. "Stay cool, honey bunny." 

Arizona Cardinals: It's just too easy now to say that Kyler Murray plays like he's in a video game. We get it, he's small and wears a giant helmet that makes him look like Nintendo's Mega-man. Like that little blue blip of pixelated hero, Kyler scampers, dives, hops, bops and heaves to high scores. It's weird looking football to be honest because everything the Cards do looks so damn frantic. Hey, it works and together with a pretty solid defense, who's going to stop them in the NFC?

4. "That's cool baby, you know how it is ... " 

Baltimore Ravens: Like Kyler, Lamar Jackson does impossible things, not least of which is leading his team over the highly charged Chargers outfit. Granted, L.A. had yellow pants on that's a tough start for anyone, but they also have the NFL's hottest young thrower of the ball, Justin Herbert. But this is about Lamar, who zigs and zags, zips and zooms around like a video game character not yet invented. Together with his rushing offsiders Devonta Freeman, Latavius Murray and Devin Duvernay, it just feels like Halloween in Baltimore will be more celebratory than spooked.

5. "What's the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?" 

Cincinnati Bengals: You can, you are! Don't look now but the Bengals are a very cool team. I don't think any of us have though that for 33 years when they played in the Super Bowl. As Chris Simms like to say, "The Baaangles" are in fact pretty good, "and all of those sorts of things." Right you are Chris! Come Monday mornings, everything must be less manic in Cincinnati surely, and perhaps even have a tinge of tiger magic.