Aaron Rodgers goes to Egypt for good street food ... or maybe to re-enact Stargate

Aaron Rodgers missed mini-camp because he was in Egypt, where apparently he was on vacation, not top secret business. But we know better, don't we!

Listen up Jets fans, a trip to Egypt can only mean one of 5 things, so let's explore the possibilities:

1. Aliens: Rodgers has been in touch with space crafts that texted him about the origins of the Pyramids. The messages urged him to visit the grand structures and inscribe his initials on the wall of an ancient toilet within.

2. Street food: The Jets QB heard about a fantastic falafel stand just outside of Cairo and was eager to try it before anyone else at ESPN, you know, for a review on McAfee. 

3. Relationship-building: He thought the trip would help him get closer to Coach Saleh, who unbeknown to Rodgers, is actually Lebanese. 

4. Travel mishap: He told a New York cabbie he was headed to the Falls in East Ridge and, what do you know, he ended up on the other side of the world. 

5. Binging: A late-night sci-fi move session ended up with No.8 high as a kite and grasping for answers. Unable to shake the plot from Stargate, he frantically searched for a portal on eBay and early the next morning, charged through it, American flag in hand. 

8 career options for benched Jets QB, Zach Wilson

With Zach Wilson out of a gig in New York, we thought we’d chip in with some career advice. 

So here are 8 things Zach can take up while he licks his wounds and gels his quiff on the sideline. Honestly, he won't be able to say NO to some of these ideas!

1. Mug for novelty mugs: Perhaps the most obvious role for the Jets No.1 is to sell a series of ‘No.1’ branded merch. Think about it ... #1 Brat mugs, #1 Prima Donna t-shirts, #1 Back-up toilet paper, #1 in the Clubhouse headbands.

2. Serve one too many: Could there be a better opportunity for Zach than partnering with former QB sh@t-stirer, Jay Cutler? They could open a nice little unfriendly bar together, ‘Zach and Jay’s Sunday Sulk’.

3. Karate chop! The time is right for a new villain on the hit show, Cobra Kai. Listen, Zach has the looks, the attitude and even the goofy headband. 

4. Be a hero to punks everywhere: Gen Z’s most questionable cohort have had some pretty precarious champions in the past, so it’s high time they nab a new role model punk, right? Nobody lacks self-awareness or fails to take responsibility like Wilson.

5. Soak up the sideline: The Jets former no.2 pick needn’t give up football, gang! There are many in the NFL fraternity who feel there just aren’t enough self-appointed sideline stars. Zach might not throw well but word is he can really clip a board and stare at a laminated diner menu.

6. Autographs! Saved By The Bell pics sell for a pretty penny on eBay. Let the Bell save you, Zach!

7. Make "No" your thing: Press conferences are fairly boring but if you need someone who can’t read the room and has a knack for one word answers, Wilson is your man! Sure, Belichick owns the corner, but the press can't resist a much sexier negative response, surely. 

8. Get about town, man: Nobody out there has been willing to suggest gigolo, but we’ll go there. He’s got the experience, perfect hair and the Saleh-endorsed beefiness.

Aaron Rodgers calls up Tom Brady for quarterback advice

 

After stunning the NFL world with some uncommon mediocrity (good band name that), Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady got on the blower for some consoling and counseling. We tapped that call using a high-tech headset loaned to us by Bill Belichik. It went as follows ... 

Brady: "Hey man ..."

Rodgers: "Hey, how you doin'?"

Brady: "Well we finally won - you see it?"

Rodgers: "Nah, I was picking up a black cardigan at Walmart ... but good for you, man."

Brady: "Thanks, thanks - feels good. How 'bout you guys, what's goin' on?"

Rodgers: "Argggghhhhh .. I don't know, I don't know ... just crap ... dammit! We're dog-sh*t."

Brady: "Hey take it easy man - language!"

Rodgers: "Oh, sorry, you with the kids?"

Brady: "Naw, I'm making a celery shake ... I just don't like negativity in the air when handling marshland plants."

Rodgers: "Sure, sure, I hear you. Speaking of which, let me turn the fan on, I just cut one - damn vegan donuts."

Brady: "Oh, I love those ...but yeh, they can hit between the numbers ..."

Rodgers: "Oh daaammnnn ..."

Brady: "So I just saw the score man - the Lions?! Wow ... what the f$%@ happened?

Rodgers: "Ahhhhh, no idea ... every throw ... it's there, but not ... er, I'm off balance ... kilter... it's killer ... like when you finish a latte, you know, and you realize the jerk-wad gave you full cream instead of almond ... it's seconds before you drop your load at that point ... but I'm relaxed, you can't clench."

Brady: "Totally, totally. Man ... I feel for you ... it's not easy, it's taken us weeks to get another 'W', and even then ... it was a total toss-up."

Rodgers: "I just saw it on TV ... you think I need to yell more like you do?"

Brady: "Couldn't hurt. Listen, I blasted my Uber driver last night after hot yoga and I've never seen a m@&#%$*er drive so quick, you know?"

Rodgers: "Yeh, yeh. I was going to unleash on some reporters today ...such, ah, er, asinine questions ... but changed my mind 'cause I remembered I like press ... and a lot of it."

Brady: "Of course. It's all about being heroism at the end of the day. And you know what A-R, among all the sh*tty QBs right now, nobody looks more heroic than an older skinny guy."

Rodgers: "You're right, we are incredibly ... ah ... yeh ... did you see me in all black during the presser? The hoodie, the hat ...

Brady: "I saw man! I almost spat my beetroot taco ... you looked freaking deadly, like Papa Smurf crossed with a ninja -- "

Rodgers: "That's exactly right, that's ... well ... I call it Ninja Smurf!"

Brady: "That's terrific man ... hey listen, I've got a double date tonight so I gotta run, but you hang in there, okay?"

Rodgers: "For sure man, who you seeing?"

Brady: "Oh nobody you know - they're twins ... "

Rodgers: "Oh good, good for you. Two-man rush, eh?"

Brady: "Easy ..."

Rodgers: "Oh, right, celery ..."

Brady: "Keep your chin up, alright ... and try not to throw off you backfoot ... sidearm ... or with sourpuss on your face ... or all three at once ... you know what I mean."

Rodgers: "Yeh, I know. Arrggghhhhh ... I might go shopping for a black snuggie ..."

Brady: "That-a-boy! And try one of those potato shake recipes I emailed you. Take care, 12."

Rodgers: "You too, 12, hugs."

Brady: "Out."

Quick guide to NFL underdogs and other things that make no sense

The 2022 NFL season is more confusing than some of the endzone dances we see today.

Supposedly good teams like the Chargers, Bucs and 49ers keep getting lit up, while squads that should be squandering scoring chances like they usually do, are winning. 

The Giants, Seahawks and Commanders come to mind as mind-blowers. Somebody call up Cousin Sal, spreads are being shredded like the filling on an Italian Beef. 

Why does the pro football scene look so weird? Let's look into it ...

First things first, ahead of Halloween there are some glaring costume issues: 

The Browns are wearing orange pants and even Elton John is alarmed at the audacity of Cleveland's marketing people. 

Meanwhile, the 49ers need an intervention on their unis, it's all wrong. Possibly the greatest football ensemble ever has been reduced to a Bay Area-level fog fest. The issues? White pants! The overly intense shade of gold in the helmet! The drop shadow on the numbers! Just Google Joe Montana and sort it out, folks. 

All the blue in Detroit's uni is outrageous. Contrast is a thing, gang.

How about more orange? The Bears helmet was and still is a dark-almost-black-blue ... Fanta-style orange, really?

And finally, why are the Jets now wearing black? Did Namath wear it? Did Curtis Martin ever sport black? It's green and white. Gang Green. There is no black. Radom introductions of non-sensical colors are Costanza-esque suggestions that need urgent fashion policing. 

Next, let's talk about the passing ...

Can we start throwing the ball a bit further than three feet? Dink and dunk football is for Tom Brady and padding the wallet of your in-house analytics nerd ... but the NFL is an entertainment business and we're not really enjoying all the one-yard gains throughout forty-five-minute drives.

Still on the passing game, can we hire some quarterbacks who can, you know, actually toss it? Drafting a competent thrower can't be that hard. Here's the thing, if your draftee is more inclined to snap it and run, chances are he hasn't spent much time launching a ball. Give him the "option" to read the defense and guess what? It might just be that he doesn't want to spend a second reading it. Just saying.

After bad losses, could Aaron Rodgers be any more mellow? I guess he turned up to post-games with a fourth glass of wine under his belt instead of just three, maybe. The Pack don't look good and they just buckled against the Commanders, a team that has lost all command of its identity. But Rodgers isn't worried ... he's relaaaaaxed, man.

Oh, and was he actually wearing a cardigan after the game? Hard for us to relax with that look in our faces.

Remember when Chicago was good? Remember when they creamed teams and were quite literally monstrous? It's just better when Chicago is in the mix and quite frankly watching this team is about as inadequate as hot dog without peppers, onions, tomato, celery and mustard. Hey Fields, it's called a pass, it requires you giving up the ball .. down field ... within a couple of seconds ... ah, what's the use.

It might be time for a moratorium on news about NFL owners. 

How much do we have to hear from these people, they get more press than announcers - an impossibility, right? But seriously, if we get one more soundbite from the Colts' Jim Irsay it might be time to jettison the season. He recently called his QB, Matt Ryan, a "steely-eye missile man", which was of course reported with the gusto of a Presidential address. All we know is some media people out there are doe-eyed Mickey Mouse men. 

Speaking of youthful exuberance, does anyone know when Miami's Mike McDaniel graduates high school? We want to send a card. Write in, let us know.

What Tom Brady Should Do Next: 5 Half-Ass Ideas

Just ousted from the 2021-22 NFL season, Tom Brady faces an uncertain future. What's in store for TB12 then? 

Let's consider some options:

1. He can finally turn to pro camel riding. Look at the beautiful posture.

2. Full-time antiquing in Hudson could work. That's no first-time hat, folks.

3a. Perhaps a Schwarzkopf hair dye campaign is on the cards; that's a wonderful auburn tone, isn't it?

b. Or maybe he finally gets that Hanson audition he's been wanting on. Either way.

4. Tom's also had aspirations for bodyguarding high-enders in Berlin nightclubs, so that's on the table.

5. And lastly, "Extra! Extra!" There's selling newspapers on the street, which, judging by this picture, he's already doing.

Jimmy G is so good looking, he can do anything!

The 49ers GQ Magazine-perfect quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo has a power more potent than Joe Montana's cool or Steve Young's zip. He wins hearts and minds with his chiseled features. 

This is crucial when your football is as choppy as the windswept waters of San Francisco Bay. In the first half of the Niners' Divisional Round game against the Packers, Jimmy hit on three passes out of nine for 43 yards, and threw an interception. But nobody in California was worried - they all know that Jimmy has the resilience of an overconfident swimsuit model posing in the icy waters off Sumba Island.

Gee, Jimmy is so good. In fact ...

Jimmy G is so good looking that his most telegraphed floaters stun defenders into a plod.

Jimmy G is so good looking that when he leaves a floater in the locker room toilet nobody throws a flag.

Jimmy G is so good looking that few notice when his tosses clear receivers by three yards, or when his spirals look like a wet kite caught in a draft.

Speaking of wet fabric ... Jimmy G is so good looking he could wear a wet t-shirt to a press conference without prompting a single question about it.

Jimmy G is so good looking, no one gives a thought to his heavy feet in the pocket, even when it's worsened by his bulky basketball-style shoes.

Jimmy G is so good looking that fans have forgotten how much better three stripes on the 49ers sleeve was than the current two. 

Jimmy G is so good looking that the NFL is considering whether the 49ers should play the Championship Game without an opponent.

&#$@*! Jimmy G is so good looking that when he swears, the internet swoons.

Jimmy G is so good looking that minus 10 degrees in Green Bay can feel like warm pee down the leg.

New Year's Resolutions From Around The NFL

So here we are in 2022, a chance to reflect, revise and maybe even re-set. In football circles there's a need to revisit a few loose plays of the past year. 

It's time for a few new year's resolutions ...

The Seattle Seahawks, once proud inhabitants of the Kingdome, promise to stop giving their stadium weird names. Qwest and now Lumen aren't exactly catchy or inspiring titles for the 12th Man. Can we just go back to cool arena nicknames please?

Kyler Murray is hoping to familiarize himself with the shape of the ol' Duke a little more, so you know, he stops it slipping from his hands like butter in the Phoenix sun. 

The NFL assures fans that teams like this season's middling Eagles won't make the playoffs in the future, especially not with a record that would have had them in last once upon a time.

The Jags are suggesting they might actually learn football in 2022. Oh, and hire a coach that can help them to do so.

Coach Belichick is considering some stand-in resolutions to feed the media the next time he's asked, instead of acting like the question is a horrendous invasion of privacy.

Jimmy Garoppolo will try and get his QBR as high as his GQ rating in the year ahead. 

The Minnesota Vikings claim that in 2022 they will either shoot for the championship or fall to the cellar, finally doing away with their happy place of mediocrity. 

Commissioner Roger Goodell is proposing that parity is not so much a resolution but a right of passage for all fans. (Most fanbases are demanding a refund over this second-rate approach however).

The Chicago Bears are agreeing to play without a quarterback next season because by George they surely don't know how to play with one.

John Elway will slip the No.7 back on in Denver because after years of watching shocking QB play he figures he couldn't do it any worse at 61.  

Washington's head brass will stop causing everyone to cry WTF! and give the WFT a new moniker. Red Hawks, Red Hogs, Red Roses or the Red Auerbachs ... whatever ... just something. Anything.

The Jets marketing people agree to stop dressing the team in Green Lantern costumes. 

The League will stop playing a distinctly American game in London, where perhaps they'll be stunned to hear that most sports fans won't be emailing Dean Blandino for a review of the decision.