Rex Ryan’s tattoogate quiz

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was spotted sun-baking in the Bahamas this week, and while The NY Daily News was likely thrilled by the scoop, they surely didn’t anticipate the lens being colored by Rex’s weird tattoo. Yes, the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer leader of the Jets sported a tat of a woman—presumably his his wife Michelle—wearing nothing but a green No. 6 jersey and smile. And you thought Tebow was the only one running the Wildcat!

Once everybody digested the disturbing nature of the rendering, questions of its  authenticity quickly arose, like the stench of a Sanchez throw.

So, in a vague attempt to clarify the mystery around “Tattoogate”, and determine whether or not the whole thing is indeed real, we’re providing fans the following Woodward and Bernstein-style multiple choice investigative quiz:

1. If Rex Ryan was to take a vacation with his wife, he would most likely book….

a) A foodie weekend in Hershey, Pennsylvania

b) Swimming with the turtles in Hawaii

c) A well known resort in the Bahamas

d) A suite at Caesar’s in Atlantic City

2. If Rex Ryan was to get a tattoo of his wife, he would choose to have it on…

a) His bicep

b) His calf

c) His rear

d) His inner-thigh

3. Which quarterback’s jersey would Rex most likely want his wife to wear to bed?

a) Joe Namath

b) Mark Sanchez

c) Tim Tebow

d) Tom Brady

4. Which half-naked female would Rex most likely have tattooed?

a) His wife, Michelle Ryan

b) Actress, Jeri Ryan

c) The Statue of Liberty

d) Jenn Sterger

BONUS QUESTION:

If Rex was to play a prank on the media, he would favor…

a) Homer Simpson novelty glasses

b) A good old whoopee cushion

c) A fake tattoo of his wife

d) Mr. Underhill’s credit card

Answers: 1a, 2c, 3d, 4b, Bonus – d 

McElroy lands the Jets: post game thoughts

It was a stirring win for the Jets in the Meadowlands Sunday, and all because the team's head coach defied his heart and went with his gut. In hindsight, that Rex Ryan favoring his belly can hardly been viewed as shocking.

But the Ryan-Mark Sanchez bromance was relegated against the Arizona Cardinals because losing to the only NFL team that might be better off without one of its three quarterbacks in the line-up, was surely the impetus New York fans needed to swap the paper bags on their head for air-tight plastic ones. Thankfully, Greg McElroy led the squad to a winning touchdown, and Fireman Ed was not called in to handle a potential crisis.

Needless to say, words have been minced since the Jets 7-6 victory. Feelings have been hurt, and allegiances betrayed. So to help clear the air from inside the Jets locker room---an arduous task after Nick Mangold hits the stalls---we help read between the lines of the post-game.

Greg McElroy

Said: "It was fun. We were having a good time. It was exciting to get a shot and go in there."

But thought: "I literally wet my pants on the way to the huddle. Luckily I'd had about three liters of Gatorade so it was green, and the guys thought I just spilled some."

Said: "It's tough to kind of gauge the energy. Obviously, I didn't have, like, a decibel meter where I could tell what the crowd noise was."

But thought: "I posted a Facebook photo of me behind center just before the first snap. I wrote, 'About to hike the ball at MetLife. OMG is it loud in here! It must be 130 decibels. Does anyone know how to beat cover 2?'"

Rex Ryan

Said: "It's just something that I sensed, that I felt. When you're around this game long enough, you get that feeling that, 'You know what? I've seen enough, and it's time to make that change.'"

But thought: "I believed the vest was not only stylish, but thinning. Then one of the cheerleaders pulled me aside and set me straight. She told me vests are for guys like Zac Efron, Roger Federer, and that slimy kid from Gossip Girl. So I made the call---skivvy or bust."

Said: "I'll let you guys know who's going to be the quarterback when I'm ready to."

But thought: "Right now I got a burn from a third-quarter hot dog, so I see your lips moving but the words are like a dull murmur. Anymore questions? Thought not. I'm out."

Mark Sanchez

Said: "I'm really happy for the team, and really happy for Greg. He came in and played his butt off."

But thought: "I considered taking a swing. But this is New York. Greg's Irish. A good looking Mexican kid from Long Beach who gets any woman he wants...nobody's ever in that guy's corner."

Cool Rankings: Football's trending teams

Who's the most powerful is important, right?

Most sports sites love an ordered list assessing "power". It's an inescapable force, like the bowel movement that overcomes Obi Wan as the Millennium Falcon is sucked toward the Death Star.

"That's no moon!"

And it surely wasn't, but rather a menacing space station that would play host to Ben's ultimate demise. It was 1977 and still feels raw somehow.

But we won't play into the hands of the powerful Empire, but instead consider those NFL teams everyone is fawning over. This is a stock count of the cool, the trendy, the water cooler contenders.

Our inaugural Cool Rankings are as follows:

1. Seattle Seahawks

The Hawks defense has most pundits, including ESPN's John Gruden and SI's Peter King, in flights of fluorescent fancy. They're good, but isn't the Packers o-line bad? There's always inordinately adored rookie quarterback, Russell Wilson, anyway.

2. San Francisco 49ers

Jim Harbaugh is the NFL's greatest coach, Alex Smith is the new Joe Montana, and the Niner defense relegates Alcatraz to the second most intimidating sight in the Bay.

3. Buffalo Bills

For some reason the Bills are still a sleeper, which is a testament to the prominence they achieved in the offseason. They lost to the New York Sanchez-Tebows in week 1 (who were so distracted by Lauren Tannehill they forgot about Ryan) and they've beaten up on the lowly Chiefs and Browns. Must be the helmets, at least they are cool.

4. Houston Texans

They might just be the new Dallas Cowboys: loaded with talent, full of expectation, and more talked about as a sexy favorite than Jessica Simpson during her Romo years.

5. Arizona Cardinals

Kevin Kolb's return to average is the feel good story of the month, outside of the real refs back like the mortal Clark Kent retrieving his superpowers, that is.

Tebow and Sanchez spitballing

In spite of the passive-aggressive offseason criticism, the pent up big city anxiety, and the Woody Allen-like pessimism, the Jets are likely to have a successful offense in 2012-13 for one simple reason: quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow are able to move on from mistakes faster than Don Draper.

At a recent training session, each QB revealed better navigation of the press pocket than anything they could do behind center.

Sanchez said of his approach to improving: “Don’t get caught up in who completed what ball, who didn’t — don’t even let your mind go there. It’s not worth the time. It’s a waste. Just focus on the next play, have a short memory and keep playing. Be the leader this team needs.”

Tebow said of his error prone workout: "It's definitely frustrating, but it's seven-on-seven and those plays are the first time I ran them. I'll learn from it. Honestly, it won't bother me again. When you make a bad play, put it behind you and move on."

At this rate both men could be benched for Fireman Ed and still find the silver lining.

"He's just such a fiery competitor, with tremendous spelling skills, and nobody utilizes the crowd's energy like Ed does," they might say in unison to a throng of reporters. "Don't underestimate the reach of that man's hose."

Lolo Jones tweets would ensue.

Jets fishing for a playoff spot

The New York Jets need a holiday miracle to make the playoffs this season, one that requires a win in sunny Miami but also hopelessly counts on losses by other teams. One of those teams is the Tennessee Titans, quite possibly the only club more unpredictable than R-E-X-'S New York.

Jets coach Rex Ryan is the master grandstander who promotes his team better than he manages it. As such the Jets who regularly follow the Patriots in the standings and struggle to overcome rivals like the Dolphins seem a great deal more intimidating than they actually are.

That’s always been the point of the Ryan-led Jets though hasn’t it? To be scarier than the Big Blue, the Big Tuna, Big Ben or any other NFL bully. But when push comes to shove Gang Green is largely uninspiring on offense. That’s never a good sign when thwarting high-scoring division foes is imperative to your survival.

For what it's worth, the team's rushers are capable of storming the trenches and can help the Jets eat up the clock. Against the Giants, for instance, the Jets squeezed the ball for 36 minutes. The problem is that it's less productive time than it should be: in the first half the so-called home team couldn't muster a single play of more than 20 yards. You can't even win a daiquiri-infused game of touch at Secretary Cleary's house with that output.

Sure, quarterback Mark Sanchez completes a few brisk passes here and there. Sometimes he even extends the play and zings it near the first down marker. But of course those sequences too are trivial if they don’t prolong the drive. Still, Sanchez throws these balls soundly, as he should. It's mostly when he flings down field that his lack of accuracy really hamstrings the Jets attack. When they needed pivotal deep yardage against the G-Men, for example, the offense continually floundered - converting just 4 of 21 on third down. And yet Coach Rex Ryan kept dialing up the pass as if Broadway Joe was commanding his huddle. Off-Broadway Sanchez threw an unconscionable 59 times.

The Jets QB is a confounding talent really: tough, nimble, exuberant and industrious, but short on patience and vision. He’s restless in the pocket. His feet shuffle and his throws leave the hand like he's tossing softballs into an apple basket - with anxious focus. Then conversely he’ll pop the secondary with a couple of carefree darts. Who knows which carnival game he might favor on any given play.

It's hard to see the Jets overcoming a stout Dolphins defense this final week. It certainly won't happen if Sanchez does more passing than handing off: he just doesn't have the repertoire to counter the likes of Vontae Davis, Yeremiah Bell or Karlos Dansby. No, Sanchez is at his best when dropping it short on acute routes of around eight or nine yards. Those angles are easy, quick to locate, and the ball hits its target before defenders can manoeuvre inside.

But as reassuring as this brand of football is for the Jets, it’s a low-octane, scaled-back approach that has hampered their postseason chances. Quick jabs might wear down Kansas City but won’t knock the Dolphins’ knees.

If only Rex could devise a strategy as boisterous as the one he brings to the podium.

Article first published as Jets Fishing for a Playoff Spot on Technorati.