Quick guide to NFL underdogs and other things that make no sense

The 2022 NFL season is more confusing than some of the endzone dances we see today.

Supposedly good teams like the Chargers, Bucs and 49ers keep getting lit up, while squads that should be squandering scoring chances like they usually do, are winning. 

The Giants, Seahawks and Commanders come to mind as mind-blowers. Somebody call up Cousin Sal, spreads are being shredded like the filling on an Italian Beef. 

Why does the pro football scene look so weird? Let's look into it ...

First things first, ahead of Halloween there are some glaring costume issues: 

The Browns are wearing orange pants and even Elton John is alarmed at the audacity of Cleveland's marketing people. 

Meanwhile, the 49ers need an intervention on their unis, it's all wrong. Possibly the greatest football ensemble ever has been reduced to a Bay Area-level fog fest. The issues? White pants! The overly intense shade of gold in the helmet! The drop shadow on the numbers! Just Google Joe Montana and sort it out, folks. 

All the blue in Detroit's uni is outrageous. Contrast is a thing, gang.

How about more orange? The Bears helmet was and still is a dark-almost-black-blue ... Fanta-style orange, really?

And finally, why are the Jets now wearing black? Did Namath wear it? Did Curtis Martin ever sport black? It's green and white. Gang Green. There is no black. Radom introductions of non-sensical colors are Costanza-esque suggestions that need urgent fashion policing. 

Next, let's talk about the passing ...

Can we start throwing the ball a bit further than three feet? Dink and dunk football is for Tom Brady and padding the wallet of your in-house analytics nerd ... but the NFL is an entertainment business and we're not really enjoying all the one-yard gains throughout forty-five-minute drives.

Still on the passing game, can we hire some quarterbacks who can, you know, actually toss it? Drafting a competent thrower can't be that hard. Here's the thing, if your draftee is more inclined to snap it and run, chances are he hasn't spent much time launching a ball. Give him the "option" to read the defense and guess what? It might just be that he doesn't want to spend a second reading it. Just saying.

After bad losses, could Aaron Rodgers be any more mellow? I guess he turned up to post-games with a fourth glass of wine under his belt instead of just three, maybe. The Pack don't look good and they just buckled against the Commanders, a team that has lost all command of its identity. But Rodgers isn't worried ... he's relaaaaaxed, man.

Oh, and was he actually wearing a cardigan after the game? Hard for us to relax with that look in our faces.

Remember when Chicago was good? Remember when they creamed teams and were quite literally monstrous? It's just better when Chicago is in the mix and quite frankly watching this team is about as inadequate as hot dog without peppers, onions, tomato, celery and mustard. Hey Fields, it's called a pass, it requires you giving up the ball .. down field ... within a couple of seconds ... ah, what's the use.

It might be time for a moratorium on news about NFL owners. 

How much do we have to hear from these people, they get more press than announcers - an impossibility, right? But seriously, if we get one more soundbite from the Colts' Jim Irsay it might be time to jettison the season. He recently called his QB, Matt Ryan, a "steely-eye missile man", which was of course reported with the gusto of a Presidential address. All we know is some media people out there are doe-eyed Mickey Mouse men. 

Speaking of youthful exuberance, does anyone know when Miami's Mike McDaniel graduates high school? We want to send a card. Write in, let us know.

What Tom Brady Should Do Next: 5 Half-Ass Ideas

Just ousted from the 2021-22 NFL season, Tom Brady faces an uncertain future. What's in store for TB12 then? 

Let's consider some options:

1. He can finally turn to pro camel riding. Look at the beautiful posture.

2. Full-time antiquing in Hudson could work. That's no first-time hat, folks.

3a. Perhaps a Schwarzkopf hair dye campaign is on the cards; that's a wonderful auburn tone, isn't it?

b. Or maybe he finally gets that Hanson audition he's been wanting on. Either way.

4. Tom's also had aspirations for bodyguarding high-enders in Berlin nightclubs, so that's on the table.

5. And lastly, "Extra! Extra!" There's selling newspapers on the street, which, judging by this picture, he's already doing.

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Jimmy G is so good looking, he can do anything!

The 49ers GQ Magazine-perfect quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo has a power more potent than Joe Montana's cool or Steve Young's zip. He wins hearts and minds with his chiseled features. 

This is crucial when your football is as choppy as the windswept waters of San Francisco Bay. In the first half of the Niners' Divisional Round game against the Packers, Jimmy hit on three passes out of nine for 43 yards, and threw an interception. But nobody in California was worried - they all know that Jimmy has the resilience of an overconfident swimsuit model posing in the icy waters off Sumba Island.

Gee, Jimmy is so good. In fact ...

Jimmy G is so good looking that his most telegraphed floaters stun defenders into a plod.

Jimmy G is so good looking that when he leaves a floater in the locker room toilet nobody throws a flag.

Jimmy G is so good looking that few notice when his tosses clear receivers by three yards, or when his spirals look like a wet kite caught in a draft.

Speaking of wet fabric ... Jimmy G is so good looking he could wear a wet t-shirt to a press conference without prompting a single question about it.

Jimmy G is so good looking, no one gives a thought to his heavy feet in the pocket, even when it's worsened by his bulky basketball-style shoes.

Jimmy G is so good looking that fans have forgotten how much better three stripes on the 49ers sleeve was than the current two. 

Jimmy G is so good looking that the NFL is considering whether the 49ers should play the Championship Game without an opponent.

&#$@*! Jimmy G is so good looking that when he swears, the internet swoons.

Jimmy G is so good looking that minus 10 degrees in Green Bay can feel like warm pee down the leg.

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New Year's Resolutions From Around The NFL

So here we are in 2022, a chance to reflect, revise and maybe even re-set. In football circles there's a need to revisit a few loose plays of the past year. 

It's time for a few new year's resolutions ...

The Seattle Seahawks, once proud inhabitants of the Kingdome, promise to stop giving their stadium weird names. Qwest and now Lumen aren't exactly catchy or inspiring titles for the 12th Man. Can we just go back to cool arena nicknames please?

Kyler Murray is hoping to familiarize himself with the shape of the ol' Duke a little more, so you know, he stops it slipping from his hands like butter in the Phoenix sun. 

The NFL assures fans that teams like this season's middling Eagles won't make the playoffs in the future, especially not with a record that would have had them in last once upon a time.

The Jags are suggesting they might actually learn football in 2022. Oh, and hire a coach that can help them to do so.

Coach Belichick is considering some stand-in resolutions to feed the media the next time he's asked, instead of acting like the question is a horrendous invasion of privacy.

Jimmy Garoppolo will try and get his QBR as high as his GQ rating in the year ahead. 

The Minnesota Vikings claim that in 2022 they will either shoot for the championship or fall to the cellar, finally doing away with their happy place of mediocrity. 

Commissioner Roger Goodell is proposing that parity is not so much a resolution but a right of passage for all fans. (Most fanbases are demanding a refund over this second-rate approach however).

The Chicago Bears are agreeing to play without a quarterback next season because by George they surely don't know how to play with one.

John Elway will slip the No.7 back on in Denver because after years of watching shocking QB play he figures he couldn't do it any worse at 61.  

Washington's head brass will stop causing everyone to cry WTF! and give the WFT a new moniker. Red Hawks, Red Hogs, Red Roses or the Red Auerbachs ... whatever ... just something. Anything.

The Jets marketing people agree to stop dressing the team in Green Lantern costumes. 

The League will stop playing a distinctly American game in London, where perhaps they'll be stunned to hear that most sports fans won't be emailing Dean Blandino for a review of the decision.

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Ready-break! Play quarterback in the NFL. No skills needed.

Enjoy the outdoors? 

Can raise your voice in a crowd? 

Maybe you’ve tossed a stone across a pond? Or cast a fishing rod? Perhaps you can start a mower? 

Well, the National Football League is looking for able-bodied men like you to play quarterback at the professional level. No prior experience is required! Nor is the ability to accurately throw a football. The NFL is about so much more in 2021.

Listen up Average Joe ...

We want men with chiseled features, sharp hair and cool names. Are you a Zach, Baker, Case or Tyler? We want you and your bravado, and that inflated sense of your own abilities, too. But more importantly, we want short-term memory because with your distinct lack of instinct on the gridiron, you’re going need it! 

Join the NFL and be a part of sports infamy. We play the games to win, sure, but whether or not you do won’t be held against you. We’re all about the equal opportunity that mediocrity affords and, as many of our young quarterbacks will attest to, the NFL is a nurturing environment of second and third chances. Peg the ball in the stands? No problem, there’s always another down. Run into your own lineman and lose yards? It happens. Can't spot a 6'5 linebacker ten yards away, hey we've all been there. What matters most is that you realize your true calling will come after your playing days are over - once you single-handedly root your club in long-term devastation.

Timeout! In the pro game, ineptitude is a strength and overconfidence is a virtue. Listen kid, the NFL is no longer a league of Staubach, Montana or the Mannings. No, pro football has come a long way since and is ready to accommodate the supremely average skills of all comers. We want your indecision and inability to process information. Pocket presence is frowned upon. And tight spirals are a waste of energy. Yes, the new NFL thrives  on crappy quarterback play and this is your opportunity to be a part of the magic!

Don’t delay. Fill out our online application and send it in promptly - or not - we don’t expect you to hit any targets here, paperwork is no exception!

Sign up today and get your one page playbook mailed back free of charge. We don't even expect you to learn it because faking a hand-off and then scrambling around like a lunatic has become the default NFL play. If you can master that, you'll be on your way to Canton in no time.

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NFL's Cool Rankings: Titans and Packers surge in coolness

Artwork by Bob Smerecki, Fine Art America.

The NFL is filled with clubs that remind us of the awkward corner table in the lunchtime cafeteria. The unwanted and wedgied tend to dwell there, thumbing crumbs from a blueberry muffin or sipping on a warm milk, waiting for their turn at the cool table. 

Fear not friends, everyone's time in the sun comes and your table awaits. But in the NFL, coolness is but an illusion - a fleeting moment in which the trendiest of participants suddenly boasts a glorious sheen. 

See, the shift occurs abruptly, like the rapid onset of stomach cramps after a few too many lava covered hot wings, and then, without warning, there's a rush to the bowl - not the Super variety you understand - but one that is no less sanitized. 

Indeed, it takes spicy bravado to ascend our Cool Rankings, which ultimately represent the trendiest and most appealing teams of the day. Think of the '85 Bears in, well, 1985, or the '72 Dolphins, who hogged the mantle for two straight seasons. Or the eighties 49ers, who somehow remained cool for a decade and a half. That was rare - Joe Cool Montana - was an outlier, but that's not to say it can't ever be done again. 

"Hey, is that John Candy?" Who says that ... ?

And so now let's stop yapping about former glories and slide on our Fonzie jackets (sorry Gen Z, not all online references have to be made from 5 minutes ago, there's such a thing as history!). And in the annals of NFL media, no list has become as important - not even those endlessly persistent rankings of power we are force fed like Mario Bros mushrooms - as Why Football Is Cool's Cool Rankings. 

Here is the top 5 of cool:

1. "Ehhhhhh!" (with Winkler thumbs) 

Tennessee Titans: Who runs it better than the Titans? Well a several teams by the numbers, sure, but few look as good doing it as Derrick Henry. He's like a shiny heavy duty Ram truck throttling down the I-40. Warning! Do not try and stop this man, people. When 22 gets churning, the hair flying and the red gloves pumping, opposing teams might as well pull into a rest stop and pour a coffee. 

2. "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants." 

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers wants us to know that he owns the Chicago Bears. Boy did that red hot poker of a statement set the internet's rear alight. From the EPSN to the Chicago Sun-Times and Yahoo! Sports across to NBC Sports, they lapped up the steamy fodder like a starving bear on a block of gouda.

3. "Stay cool, honey bunny." 

Arizona Cardinals: It's just too easy now to say that Kyler Murray plays like he's in a video game. We get it, he's small and wears a giant helmet that makes him look like Nintendo's Mega-man. Like that little blue blip of pixelated hero, Kyler scampers, dives, hops, bops and heaves to high scores. It's weird looking football to be honest because everything the Cards do looks so damn frantic. Hey, it works and together with a pretty solid defense, who's going to stop them in the NFC?

4. "That's cool baby, you know how it is ... " 

Baltimore Ravens: Like Kyler, Lamar Jackson does impossible things, not least of which is leading his team over the highly charged Chargers outfit. Granted, L.A. had yellow pants on that's a tough start for anyone, but they also have the NFL's hottest young thrower of the ball, Justin Herbert. But this is about Lamar, who zigs and zags, zips and zooms around like a video game character not yet invented. Together with his rushing offsiders Devonta Freeman, Latavius Murray and Devin Duvernay, it just feels like Halloween in Baltimore will be more celebratory than spooked.

5. "What's the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?" 

Cincinnati Bengals: You can, you are! Don't look now but the Bengals are a very cool team. I don't think any of us have though that for 33 years when they played in the Super Bowl. As Chris Simms like to say, "The Baaangles" are in fact pretty good, "and all of those sorts of things." Right you are Chris! Come Monday mornings, everything must be less manic in Cincinnati surely, and perhaps even have a tinge of tiger magic.

A Pro Football Fantasy: The Return of Decent Defense

Making sense of the NFL in 2021 is harder than looking at Steve Belichick's hair. Yikes!

Personally I'd like to see a little more gel - I mean effort applied by a few of these football clubs, many of which are cruising through the first half of the season with all the energy of Todd Bowles after Thanksgiving dinner. 

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PIE?!

See, if you throw the ball to the other team - Sam Darnold, Teddy Bridgewater and even you, Mac Jones - your team will lose. They will. That's how this game works. Even bad defenses can handle that. However, most defenses in the NFL can't seem to handle much of anything anymore.

Unfortunately there are seemingly more teams than not that haven't Googled 'tackle' recently. Maybe Coach confiscated their phones?

The Browns are one of those teams, a group that literally craps its pants when a ball is sent airborne. The Cardinals posted 37 on the Browns in week 6, a squad that Pro Football Focus had in its second tier of defenses ahead of the season. That's second out of five! 

Oh, and the New York Giants, they did one better. They also don't know much about defending, giving up 38 points to the Rams. Sure, L.A. is good but they also traveled across country to New Jersey, where maybe you'd think the Giants might play with some desperation. Maybe put on their big blue unis and you know, "Do something!" as Bill Parcells once said.

Listen, the issue here isn't so much about a given team, per se, but teams that you expect better of. I mean nobody is demanding that the Lions can stop much of, well, anything, and so when they give up 30-something, that's cool, right? They tried. 

But other teams should be ashamed of themselves. The Miami Dolphins - seriously? Weren't we expecting you to make a splash in the 2021 postseason? You couldn't land a splash in a toilet after a double cheese burrito with that D. 

How about the ol' Steel Curtain? More like the Rumpus Room Drapes. Great, you beat the Seahawks in OT. You realize that wasn't Russell Wilson back there, don't you? It was Geno "Here, want the ball?" Smith. And you still only won by three. 

This wonderfully historic and vaunted Pittsburgh club has gone from the glory days of truly steely defense to allowing 20 points in one half to ... Geno Smith and Co? Most people didn't even know Geno was on a roster until a week ago, so congratulations on that.

How about the Titans secondary? You guys want to sort out who has who before the ball is snapped? Oh, I see, you prefer to just see how far Josh Allen can throw it first. Here's a tip - he can throw it over your heads, even if you're standing in the parking lot. 

Lucky for you, Titans, Derrick Henry is a sonic boom in attack.

Speaking of sonic booms, did you see Trevor Lawrence's post-game attire? Sure, it's a Jaguars issue under-vest-thing, so that presumably makes it okay. It's also an excuse for a guy with large arms to gesticulate a lot in front of the media, which might satisfy some in the crowd, but I think I speak for everyone on their sofas at home when I say, put a shirt on man, this isn't poolside at the Hampton Inn!

(Of course, this is the type of comment that can spin violently around cancel culture circles. I get it. But, you know what, I cancel your outrageous self-appointed mission to delete others. It was a vest at a podium, come on!)

Back to football ...

I've thought about it and maybe we should go easy on Teddy B. Was it his fault the Broncos line cantered like a pack of ponies to let defenders in? Teddy looked slower than late career John Wayne back there. Oh wait, he also likes to cuddle the Duke like the "Duke" cuddling his revolver, so there is some precedent here.

Speaking of helping the opposition, does anyone toss into traffic better than Danny Dimes? If there are four guys in the other jersey - in Jersey - around the middle of the field, give Jones a chance, he'll get it there gang. 

Against the Rams, the Giant's No.8 had an eye-popping 6.4 QBR. Listen, I don't know even know what QBR is but I'm pretty sure your QBR should be greater than your height. 

6.4 ... at this rate, the Post and Daily News should be calling him Danny Nickels. Thanks, I'll be here all week.