Jets are sh*tting bricks, while Justin Fields is at peace with his play

Forget the brown paper bags, anyone have some toilet paper?

Despite the Jets seven straight losses to start the 2025 season, New York's media is loose. No discomfort here, everything feels right. 

The reason is that the team's quarterback Justin Fields is "cool" and "at peace", which is really good news.

He recently told USA Today: "I know y'all want me to say stuff here and there but it's just like, that's what it is. I know y'all are going to keep asking to get me to say something but like, I'm truly at peace ... I'm cool."

Tremendous, Justin. Can I top up your Gatorade, buddy? Get you a foot rub. As long as you're cool with playing football like you've never actually seen one. 

Seriously? Justin Bieber could do a better job of making a pass. Heck, Justin Bieber could do a better job of sounding convincing. 

But under the circumstances I guess it's best you act like this no big thing. 

Let's look at the numbers.

With a solid 31 QBR (quarterback rating), as per ESPN, Fields must be confident that he can turn things around. Yeh, that's it.

At the end of the day, 31 is only 50 points lower than the top QBRs this season set by Dak Prescott, Daniel Jones and Patrick Mahomes, each close to 80. So, I guess he's on track ... sort of.

While we're keeping tabs, remember that QBR measures a quarterback’s overall impact on the game. It considers passing, rushing, sacks taken, penalties drawn, and even clutch moments during critical play. 

Given these factors, things are looking up for the Jets. Think about it. Fields has completed 55% of his passes in his last five games, thrown 3 touchdowns and hit passes at an average of 4.7 yards. 

So stay cool, everyone. He's go this.

Aaron Rodgers goes to Egypt for good street food ... or maybe to re-enact Stargate

Aaron Rodgers missed mini-camp because he was in Egypt, where apparently he was on vacation, not top secret business. But we know better, don't we!

Listen up Jets fans, a trip to Egypt can only mean one of 5 things, so let's explore the possibilities:

1. Aliens: Rodgers has been in touch with space crafts that texted him about the origins of the Pyramids. The messages urged him to visit the grand structures and inscribe his initials on the wall of an ancient toilet within.

2. Street food: The Jets QB heard about a fantastic falafel stand just outside of Cairo and was eager to try it before anyone else at ESPN, you know, for a review on McAfee. 

3. Relationship-building: He thought the trip would help him get closer to Coach Saleh, who unbeknown to Rodgers, is actually Lebanese. 

4. Travel mishap: He told a New York cabbie he was headed to the Falls in East Ridge and, what do you know, he ended up on the other side of the world. 

5. Binging: A late-night sci-fi move session ended up with No.8 high as a kite and grasping for answers. Unable to shake the plot from Stargate, he frantically searched for a portal on eBay and early the next morning, charged through it, American flag in hand.

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8 career options for benched Jets QB, Zach Wilson

With Zach Wilson out of a gig in New York, we thought we’d chip in with some career advice. 

So here are 8 things Zach can take up while he licks his wounds and gels his quiff on the sideline. Honestly, he won't be able to say NO to some of these ideas!

1. Mug for novelty mugs: Perhaps the most obvious role for the Jets No.1 is to sell a series of ‘No.1’ branded merch. Think about it ... #1 Brat mugs, #1 Prima Donna t-shirts, #1 Back-up toilet paper, #1 in the Clubhouse headbands.

2. Serve one too many: Could there be a better opportunity for Zach than partnering with former QB sh@t-stirer, Jay Cutler? They could open a nice little unfriendly bar together, ‘Zach and Jay’s Sunday Sulk’.

3. Karate chop! The time is right for a new villain on the hit show, Cobra Kai. Listen, Zach has the looks, the attitude and even the goofy headband. 

4. Be a hero to punks everywhere: Gen Z’s most questionable cohort have had some pretty precarious champions in the past, so it’s high time they nab a new role model punk, right? Nobody lacks self-awareness or fails to take responsibility like Wilson.

5. Soak up the sideline: The Jets former no.2 pick needn’t give up football, gang! There are many in the NFL fraternity who feel there just aren’t enough self-appointed sideline stars. Zach might not throw well but word is he can really clip a board and stare at a laminated diner menu.

6. Autographs! Saved By The Bell pics sell for a pretty penny on eBay. Let the Bell save you, Zach!

7. Make "No" your thing: Press conferences are fairly boring but if you need someone who can’t read the room and has a knack for one-word answers, Wilson is your man! Sure, Belichick owns the corner, but the press can't resist a much sexier negative response, surely. 

8. Get about town, man: Nobody out there has been willing to suggest gigolo, but we’ll go there. He’s got the experience, perfect hair and the Saleh-endorsed beefiness.

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Aaron Rodgers calls up Tom Brady for quarterback advice

 

After stunning the NFL world with some uncommon mediocrity (good band name that), Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady got on the blower for some consoling and counseling. We tapped that call using a high-tech headset loaned to us by Bill Belichik. It went as follows ... 

Brady: "Hey man ..."

Rodgers: "Hey, how you doin'?"

Brady: "Well we finally won - you see it?"

Rodgers: "Nah, I was picking up a black cardigan at Walmart ... but good for you, man."

Brady: "Thanks, thanks - feels good. How 'bout you guys, what's goin' on?"

Rodgers: "Argggghhhhh .. I don't know, I don't know ... just crap ... dammit! We're dog-sh*t."

Brady: "Hey take it easy man - language!"

Rodgers: "Oh, sorry, you with the kids?"

Brady: "Naw, I'm making a celery shake ... I just don't like negativity in the air when handling marshland plants."

Rodgers: "Sure, sure, I hear you. Speaking of which, let me turn the fan on, I just cut one - damn vegan donuts."

Brady: "Oh, I love those ...but yeh, they can hit between the numbers ..."

Rodgers: "Oh daaammnnn ..."

Brady: "So I just saw the score man - the Lions?! Wow ... what the f$%@ happened?

Rodgers: "Ahhhhh, no idea ... every throw ... it's there, but not ... er, I'm off balance ... kilter... it's killer ... like when you finish a latte, you know, and you realize the jerk-wad gave you full cream instead of almond ... it's seconds before you drop your load at that point ... but I'm relaxed, you can't clench."

Brady: "Totally, totally. Man ... I feel for you ... it's not easy, it's taken us weeks to get another 'W', and even then ... it was a total toss-up."

Rodgers: "I just saw it on TV ... you think I need to yell more like you do?"

Brady: "Couldn't hurt. Listen, I blasted my Uber driver last night after hot yoga and I've never seen a m@&#%$*er drive so quick, you know?"

Rodgers: "Yeh, yeh. I was going to unleash on some reporters today ...such, ah, er, asinine questions ... but changed my mind 'cause I remembered I like press ... and a lot of it."

Brady: "Of course. It's all about being heroism at the end of the day. And you know what A-R, among all the sh*tty QBs right now, nobody looks more heroic than an older skinny guy."

Rodgers: "You're right, we are incredibly ... ah ... yeh ... did you see me in all black during the presser? The hoodie, the hat ...

Brady: "I saw man! I almost spat my beetroot taco ... you looked freaking deadly, like Papa Smurf crossed with a ninja -- "

Rodgers: "That's exactly right, that's ... well ... I call it Ninja Smurf!"

Brady: "That's terrific man ... hey listen, I've got a double date tonight so I gotta run, but you hang in there, okay?"

Rodgers: "For sure man, who you seeing?"

Brady: "Oh nobody you know - they're twins ... "

Rodgers: "Oh good, good for you. Two-man rush, eh?"

Brady: "Easy ..."

Rodgers: "Oh, right, celery ..."

Brady: "Keep your chin up, alright ... and try not to throw off you backfoot ... sidearm ... or with sourpuss on your face ... or all three at once ... you know what I mean."

Rodgers: "Yeh, I know. Arrggghhhhh ... I might go shopping for a black snuggie ..."

Brady: "That-a-boy! And try one of those potato shake recipes I emailed you. Take care, 12."

Rodgers: "You too, 12, hugs."

Brady: "Out."

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Quick guide to NFL underdogs and other things that make no sense

The 2022 NFL season is more confusing than some of the endzone dances we see today.

Supposedly good teams like the Chargers, Bucs and 49ers keep getting lit up, while squads that should be squandering scoring chances like they usually do, are winning. 

The Giants, Seahawks and Commanders come to mind as mind-blowers. Somebody call up Cousin Sal, spreads are being shredded like the filling on an Italian Beef. 

Why does the pro football scene look so weird? Let's look into it ...

First things first, ahead of Halloween there are some glaring costume issues: 

The Browns are wearing orange pants and even Elton John is alarmed at the audacity of Cleveland's marketing people. 

Meanwhile, the 49ers need an intervention on their unis, it's all wrong. Possibly the greatest football ensemble ever has been reduced to a Bay Area-level fog fest. The issues? White pants! The overly intense shade of gold in the helmet! The drop shadow on the numbers! Just Google Joe Montana and sort it out, folks. 

All the blue in Detroit's uni is outrageous. Contrast is a thing, gang.

How about more orange? The Bears helmet was and still is a dark-almost-black-blue ... Fanta-style orange, really?

And finally, why are the Jets now wearing black? Did Namath wear it? Did Curtis Martin ever sport black? It's green and white. Gang Green. There is no black. Radom introductions of non-sensical colors are Costanza-esque suggestions that need urgent fashion policing. 

Next, let's talk about the passing ...

Can we start throwing the ball a bit further than three feet? Dink and dunk football is for Tom Brady and padding the wallet of your in-house analytics nerd ... but the NFL is an entertainment business and we're not really enjoying all the one-yard gains throughout forty-five-minute drives.

Still on the passing game, can we hire some quarterbacks who can, you know, actually toss it? Drafting a competent thrower can't be that hard. Here's the thing, if your draftee is more inclined to snap it and run, chances are he hasn't spent much time launching a ball. Give him the "option" to read the defense and guess what? It might just be that he doesn't want to spend a second reading it. Just saying.

After bad losses, could Aaron Rodgers be any more mellow? I guess he turned up to post-games with a fourth glass of wine under his belt instead of just three, maybe. The Pack don't look good and they just buckled against the Commanders, a team that has lost all command of its identity. But Rodgers isn't worried ... he's relaaaaaxed, man.

Oh, and was he actually wearing a cardigan after the game? Hard for us to relax with that look in our faces.

Remember when Chicago was good? Remember when they creamed teams and were quite literally monstrous? It's just better when Chicago is in the mix and quite frankly watching this team is about as inadequate as hot dog without peppers, onions, tomato, celery and mustard. Hey Fields, it's called a pass, it requires you giving up the ball .. down field ... within a couple of seconds ... ah, what's the use.

It might be time for a moratorium on news about NFL owners. 

How much do we have to hear from these people, they get more press than announcers - an impossibility, right? But seriously, if we get one more soundbite from the Colts' Jim Irsay it might be time to jettison the season. He recently called his QB, Matt Ryan, a "steely-eye missile man", which was of course reported with the gusto of a Presidential address. All we know is some media people out there are doe-eyed Mickey Mouse men. 

Speaking of youthful exuberance, does anyone know when Miami's Mike McDaniel graduates high school? We want to send a card. Write in, let us know.

What Tom Brady Should Do Next: 5 Half-Ass Ideas

Just ousted from the 2021-22 NFL season, Tom Brady faces an uncertain future. What's in store for TB12 then? 

Let's consider some options:

1. He can finally turn to pro camel riding. Look at the beautiful posture.

2. Full-time antiquing in Hudson could work. That's no first-time hat, folks.

3a. Perhaps a Schwarzkopf hair dye campaign is on the cards; that's a wonderful auburn tone, isn't it?

b. Or maybe he finally gets that Hanson audition he's been wanting on. Either way.

4. Tom's also had aspirations for bodyguarding high-enders in Berlin nightclubs, so that's on the table.

5. And lastly, "Extra! Extra!" There's selling newspapers on the street, which, judging by this picture, he's already doing.

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Jimmy G is so good looking, he can do anything!

The 49ers GQ Magazine-perfect quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo has a power more potent than Joe Montana's cool or Steve Young's zip. He wins hearts and minds with his chiseled features. 

This is crucial when your football is as choppy as the windswept waters of San Francisco Bay. In the first half of the Niners' Divisional Round game against the Packers, Jimmy hit on three passes out of nine for 43 yards, and threw an interception. But nobody in California was worried - they all know that Jimmy has the resilience of an overconfident swimsuit model posing in the icy waters off Sumba Island.

Gee, Jimmy is so good. In fact ...

Jimmy G is so good looking that his most telegraphed floaters stun defenders into a plod.

Jimmy G is so good looking that when he leaves a floater in the locker room toilet nobody throws a flag.

Jimmy G is so good looking that few notice when his tosses clear receivers by three yards, or when his spirals look like a wet kite caught in a draft.

Speaking of wet fabric ... Jimmy G is so good looking he could wear a wet t-shirt to a press conference without prompting a single question about it.

Jimmy G is so good looking, no one gives a thought to his heavy feet in the pocket, even when it's worsened by his bulky basketball-style shoes.

Jimmy G is so good looking that fans have forgotten how much better three stripes on the 49ers sleeve was than the current two. 

Jimmy G is so good looking that the NFL is considering whether the 49ers should play the Championship Game without an opponent.

&#$@*! Jimmy G is so good looking that when he swears, the internet swoons.

Jimmy G is so good looking that minus 10 degrees in Green Bay can feel like warm pee down the leg.

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New Year's Resolutions From Around The NFL

So here we are in 2022, a chance to reflect, revise and maybe even re-set. In football circles there's a need to revisit a few loose plays of the past year. 

It's time for a few new year's resolutions ...

The Seattle Seahawks, once proud inhabitants of the Kingdome, promise to stop giving their stadium weird names. Qwest and now Lumen aren't exactly catchy or inspiring titles for the 12th Man. Can we just go back to cool arena nicknames please?

Kyler Murray is hoping to familiarize himself with the shape of the ol' Duke a little more, so you know, he stops it slipping from his hands like butter in the Phoenix sun. 

The NFL assures fans that teams like this season's middling Eagles won't make the playoffs in the future, especially not with a record that would have had them in last once upon a time.

The Jags are suggesting they might actually learn football in 2022. Oh, and hire a coach that can help them to do so.

Coach Belichick is considering some stand-in resolutions to feed the media the next time he's asked, instead of acting like the question is a horrendous invasion of privacy.

Jimmy Garoppolo will try and get his QBR as high as his GQ rating in the year ahead. 

The Minnesota Vikings claim that in 2022 they will either shoot for the championship or fall to the cellar, finally doing away with their happy place of mediocrity. 

Commissioner Roger Goodell is proposing that parity is not so much a resolution but a right of passage for all fans. (Most fanbases are demanding a refund over this second-rate approach however).

The Chicago Bears are agreeing to play without a quarterback next season because by George they surely don't know how to play with one.

John Elway will slip the No.7 back on in Denver because after years of watching shocking QB play he figures he couldn't do it any worse at 61.  

Washington's head brass will stop causing everyone to cry WTF! and give the WFT a new moniker. Red Hawks, Red Hogs, Red Roses or the Red Auerbachs ... whatever ... just something. Anything.

The Jets marketing people agree to stop dressing the team in Green Lantern costumes. 

The League will stop playing a distinctly American game in London, where perhaps they'll be stunned to hear that most sports fans won't be emailing Dean Blandino for a review of the decision.

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Ready-break! Play quarterback in the NFL. No skills needed.

Enjoy the outdoors? 

Can raise your voice in a crowd? 

Maybe you’ve tossed a stone across a pond? Or cast a fishing rod? Perhaps you can start a mower? 

Well, the National Football League is looking for able-bodied men like you to play quarterback at the professional level. No prior experience is required! Nor is the ability to accurately throw a football. The NFL is about so much more in 2021.

Listen up Average Joe ...

We want men with chiseled features, sharp hair and cool names. Are you a Zach, Baker, Case or Tyler? We want you and your bravado, and that inflated sense of your own abilities, too. But more importantly, we want short-term memory because with your distinct lack of instinct on the gridiron, you’re going need it! 

Join the NFL and be a part of sports infamy. We play the games to win, sure, but whether or not you do won’t be held against you. We’re all about the equal opportunity that mediocrity affords and, as many of our young quarterbacks will attest to, the NFL is a nurturing environment of second and third chances. Peg the ball in the stands? No problem, there’s always another down. Run into your own lineman and lose yards? It happens. Can't spot a 6'5 linebacker ten yards away, hey we've all been there. What matters most is that you realize your true calling will come after your playing days are over - once you single-handedly root your club in long-term devastation.

Timeout! In the pro game, ineptitude is a strength and overconfidence is a virtue. Listen kid, the NFL is no longer a league of Staubach, Montana or the Mannings. No, pro football has come a long way since and is ready to accommodate the supremely average skills of all comers. We want your indecision and inability to process information. Pocket presence is frowned upon. And tight spirals are a waste of energy. Yes, the new NFL thrives  on crappy quarterback play and this is your opportunity to be a part of the magic!

Don’t delay. Fill out our online application and send it in promptly - or not - we don’t expect you to hit any targets here, paperwork is no exception!

Sign up today and get your one page playbook mailed back free of charge. We don't even expect you to learn it because faking a hand-off and then scrambling around like a lunatic has become the default NFL play. If you can master that, you'll be on your way to Canton in no time.

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NFL's Cool Rankings: Titans and Packers surge in coolness

Artwork by Bob Smerecki, Fine Art America.

The NFL is filled with clubs that remind us of the awkward corner table in the lunchtime cafeteria. The unwanted and wedgied tend to dwell there, thumbing crumbs from a blueberry muffin or sipping on a warm milk, waiting for their turn at the cool table. 

Fear not friends, everyone's time in the sun comes and your table awaits. But in the NFL, coolness is but an illusion - a fleeting moment in which the trendiest of participants suddenly boasts a glorious sheen. 

See, the shift occurs abruptly, like the rapid onset of stomach cramps after a few too many lava covered hot wings, and then, without warning, there's a rush to the bowl - not the Super variety you understand - but one that is no less sanitized. 

Indeed, it takes spicy bravado to ascend our Cool Rankings, which ultimately represent the trendiest and most appealing teams of the day. Think of the '85 Bears in, well, 1985, or the '72 Dolphins, who hogged the mantle for two straight seasons. Or the eighties 49ers, who somehow remained cool for a decade and a half. That was rare - Joe Cool Montana - was an outlier, but that's not to say it can't ever be done again. 

"Hey, is that John Candy?" Who says that ... ?

And so now let's stop yapping about former glories and slide on our Fonzie jackets (sorry Gen Z, not all online references have to be made from 5 minutes ago, there's such a thing as history!). And in the annals of NFL media, no list has become as important - not even those endlessly persistent rankings of power we are force fed like Mario Bros mushrooms - as Why Football Is Cool's Cool Rankings. 

Here is the top 5 of cool:

1. "Ehhhhhh!" (with Winkler thumbs) 

Tennessee Titans: Who runs it better than the Titans? Well a several teams by the numbers, sure, but few look as good doing it as Derrick Henry. He's like a shiny heavy duty Ram truck throttling down the I-40. Warning! Do not try and stop this man, people. When 22 gets churning, the hair flying and the red gloves pumping, opposing teams might as well pull into a rest stop and pour a coffee. 

2. "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants." 

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers wants us to know that he owns the Chicago Bears. Boy did that red hot poker of a statement set the internet's rear alight. From the EPSN to the Chicago Sun-Times and Yahoo! Sports across to NBC Sports, they lapped up the steamy fodder like a starving bear on a block of gouda.

3. "Stay cool, honey bunny." 

Arizona Cardinals: It's just too easy now to say that Kyler Murray plays like he's in a video game. We get it, he's small and wears a giant helmet that makes him look like Nintendo's Mega-man. Like that little blue blip of pixelated hero, Kyler scampers, dives, hops, bops and heaves to high scores. It's weird looking football to be honest because everything the Cards do looks so damn frantic. Hey, it works and together with a pretty solid defense, who's going to stop them in the NFC?

4. "That's cool baby, you know how it is ... " 

Baltimore Ravens: Like Kyler, Lamar Jackson does impossible things, not least of which is leading his team over the highly charged Chargers outfit. Granted, L.A. had yellow pants on that's a tough start for anyone, but they also have the NFL's hottest young thrower of the ball, Justin Herbert. But this is about Lamar, who zigs and zags, zips and zooms around like a video game character not yet invented. Together with his rushing offsiders Devonta Freeman, Latavius Murray and Devin Duvernay, it just feels like Halloween in Baltimore will be more celebratory than spooked.

5. "What's the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?" 

Cincinnati Bengals: You can, you are! Don't look now but the Bengals are a very cool team. I don't think any of us have though that for 33 years when they played in the Super Bowl. As Chris Simms like to say, "The Baaangles" are in fact pretty good, "and all of those sorts of things." Right you are Chris! Come Monday mornings, everything must be less manic in Cincinnati surely, and perhaps even have a tinge of tiger magic.

A Pro Football Fantasy: The Return of Decent Defense

Making sense of the NFL in 2021 is harder than looking at Steve Belichick's hair. Yikes!

Personally I'd like to see a little more gel - I mean effort applied by a few of these football clubs, many of which are cruising through the first half of the season with all the energy of Todd Bowles after Thanksgiving dinner. 

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PIE?!

See, if you throw the ball to the other team - Sam Darnold, Teddy Bridgewater and even you, Mac Jones - your team will lose. They will. That's how this game works. Even bad defenses can handle that. However, most defenses in the NFL can't seem to handle much of anything anymore.

Unfortunately there are seemingly more teams than not that haven't Googled 'tackle' recently. Maybe Coach confiscated their phones?

The Browns are one of those teams, a group that literally craps its pants when a ball is sent airborne. The Cardinals posted 37 on the Browns in week 6, a squad that Pro Football Focus had in its second tier of defenses ahead of the season. That's second out of five! 

Oh, and the New York Giants, they did one better. They also don't know much about defending, giving up 38 points to the Rams. Sure, L.A. is good but they also traveled across country to New Jersey, where maybe you'd think the Giants might play with some desperation. Maybe put on their big blue unis and you know, "Do something!" as Bill Parcells once said.

Listen, the issue here isn't so much about a given team, per se, but teams that you expect better of. I mean nobody is demanding that the Lions can stop much of, well, anything, and so when they give up 30-something, that's cool, right? They tried. 

But other teams should be ashamed of themselves. The Miami Dolphins - seriously? Weren't we expecting you to make a splash in the 2021 postseason? You couldn't land a splash in a toilet after a double cheese burrito with that D. 

How about the ol' Steel Curtain? More like the Rumpus Room Drapes. Great, you beat the Seahawks in OT. You realize that wasn't Russell Wilson back there, don't you? It was Geno "Here, want the ball?" Smith. And you still only won by three. 

This wonderfully historic and vaunted Pittsburgh club has gone from the glory days of truly steely defense to allowing 20 points in one half to ... Geno Smith and Co? Most people didn't even know Geno was on a roster until a week ago, so congratulations on that.

How about the Titans secondary? You guys want to sort out who has who before the ball is snapped? Oh, I see, you prefer to just see how far Josh Allen can throw it first. Here's a tip - he can throw it over your heads, even if you're standing in the parking lot. 

Lucky for you, Titans, Derrick Henry is a sonic boom in attack.

Speaking of sonic booms, did you see Trevor Lawrence's post-game attire? Sure, it's a Jaguars issue under-vest-thing, so that presumably makes it okay. It's also an excuse for a guy with large arms to gesticulate a lot in front of the media, which might satisfy some in the crowd, but I think I speak for everyone on their sofas at home when I say, put a shirt on man, this isn't poolside at the Hampton Inn!

(Of course, this is the type of comment that can spin violently around cancel culture circles. I get it. But, you know what, I cancel your outrageous self-appointed mission to delete others. It was a vest at a podium, come on!)

Back to football ...

I've thought about it and maybe we should go easy on Teddy B. Was it his fault the Broncos line cantered like a pack of ponies to let defenders in? Teddy looked slower than late career John Wayne back there. Oh wait, he also likes to cuddle the Duke like the "Duke" cuddling his revolver, so there is some precedent here.

Speaking of helping the opposition, does anyone toss into traffic better than Danny Dimes? If there are four guys in the other jersey - in Jersey - around the middle of the field, give Jones a chance, he'll get it there gang. 

Against the Rams, the Giant's No.8 had an eye-popping 6.4 QBR. Listen, I don't know even know what QBR is but I'm pretty sure your QBR should be greater than your height. 

6.4 ... at this rate, the Post and Daily News should be calling him Danny Nickels. Thanks, I'll be here all week.

AFC East is anybody's ... or nobody's ... or the Patriots'

Every new NFL season brings renewed hope, unless you're a fan of three teams not named the Patriots in the AFC East. 

The Patriots, like the smell of day old clams, hang about, linger and infuse themselves in every AFC East fan's living room, every year. Pats fans breath it in, while Jets, Dolphins and Bills fans scramble for an available window. It's been this way for 20 years.

Last season the tables turned and the Pats didn't get a whiff of the division title, and this breathed brief new life into the ol' four-team race. Suddenly, the Pats looked washed as a perennial runner-up, the Bills, looked the part of a world beater. Miami ascended, too, while the Jets might have been better if not for their odorous coach, Gas - er, sorry, Gase. 

In any event, we all knew that period of time would be short-lived, and that once the planets realigned, the Pats would again reign supreme. Now that hasn't happened just yet, but we the fans know it's imminent. The Death Star draws near and in its tractor beam will soon be a flopping Dolphin, a restless Buffalo and a sputtering Jet. It was only a matter of time before each squad returned to their rightful downtrodden slot.

And yet, there needs to be optimism at season's opening, right? 

After all, the Jets have a new quarterback, Zach Wilson, that everyone in the media tells us throws a beautiful ball. His hair is beautiful, too. He's the next Aaron Rodgers! He's very cool and calm. He's ... he's ... Joe Namath without the fur!

Hey let's wait and see because we've all heard this before - five times over!

Then there's Josh Allen, who apparently will be the MVP, people tell us. Really? MVP? Look, he's good but I'm not sure he's better than eight other quarterbacks - who are these snake oil merchants, anyway? They'd tell you Matt Flynn should have been an MVP if you gave them half a minute. 

And that leaves us with Tua, the nicest quarterback in the league with the best left arm going around. Few have faith in the Miami man, and yet the same folks once told us he was a surer thing than Ray Finkle hitting the ball laces out. Make up your mind internet sh*t-spinners! 

Well, these are the thoughts swirling around at the start of a much anticipated season, where only time will tell if one of the AFC East minnows can upend the behemoth in New England. 

Can you believe this, even when they come off a losing season we fear them. I feel like Roy Scheider in Jaws ... cue the theme song ...load the harpoons ... and grab me a new pair of shorts!

NFL season 2021: Enjoy the best moments from training camp so far

The NFL offseason is full of optimism, action, intrigue and weird combos of active wear and headbands. It's like a glam-metal festival out there. But that's why we love training camp! Let's look in at a few of the best camp moments so far ...

Drew Lock isn't in a laughing mood. But white compression tights and bright orange cleats, come on guy? 

Patrick Mahomes always gets out of a jam ... but here he's too embarrassed to admit his helmet is stuck.

Tom Brady fires a ball at an unsuspecting pizza delivery guy for wrongly bringing him a ham and pineapple. "I said gluten-free tofu vegan jerk-off!"

Smitten by his hair, most pro scouts missed Zach Wilson's Iron Man impression. 

The autumn wind is a ... oh, wait, is that the lunch bell?

Forget the Super Bowl Shuffle - the new Bears perform 'The Sprinkler'.

What happened to Drew Brees? Well, he's suddenly everyone's favorite QB

Drew Brees retired and everyone with a voice on a platform somewhere went into overdrive. We perhaps haven't seen this much repetitive content churned out since Favre's un-retirement. 

One thing all the posts, tweets, videos, dittys and diatribes showed us is that people around the world are never short for a word ... on anything! Announce something, anything, or maybe even nothing, and seemingly anyone with an internet connection turns into Oprah. 

"It's Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees eeeeevrybodyyyyyyyyy!"

The tentative connections to the content cycle are boundless. Indeed, Drew Brees Twitter blew up.

Fans are surely happy and proud to have supported Brees. The media is typically waxing lyrical. He deserves a special mention, sure, not saying that. 

But some laid it on a bit thick, all of a sudden. (You had to know he was retiring chronic content coordinators, so an endless stream of mocked up posters and earnest "I knew him when" spiels feel a touch over the top).

Just wait until Brady retires ... feeds on every single platform and site ever will simply implode. 

You better work on your content strategy for that week Kardashian-Jenners because the internet does not always break for thee. (Here's a tip for you: 'what happened to drew brees' is trending!)

We always enjoyed our battles with you, @drewbrees, whether it was as a Charger or as a Saint. 👏#ThankYouDrew pic.twitter.com/HxLcbDVLvP

— Denver Broncos (@Broncos) March 14, 2021

congrats on an incredible career + happy retirement, @drewbrees!

the league will miss you 💛 pic.twitter.com/cgBZZmL5C9

— Los Angeles Chargers (@Chargers) March 14, 2021

There will never be another Drew Brees ⚜️#ThankYouDrew pic.twitter.com/iQ2eOiV5Wz

— New Orleans Saints (@Saints) March 14, 2021

Drew Brees has announced he’s retiring from the NFL. What was your favorite fantasy moment from his career? pic.twitter.com/n0ieMYD1WY

— NFL Fantasy Football (@NFLFantasy) March 14, 2021

NFL schedule could thrive in a digital streaming smorgasboard

"Good evening everybody and welcome to YouTube's Mooooonday Night Fooooootball, I'm Ryan Seacrest, and alongside me is Jason Nash ..."

Hey, don't laugh, this might be the future.

I just listened to The Ringer's Bill Simmons and Bryan Curtis talk about ways NFL games could hit different digital platforms for specific fan bases, and the idea has stuck. Different people, different needs. (Wasn't that an eighties sitcom?) 

Anyway, seems like a good idea (another eighties sitcom, surely!). 

For example, if you're into betting, Amazon Prime's take on 'Game Of The Week' could offer degenerate gambler, Cousin Sal giving up worthwhile prop bets, as Simmons suggested on his podcast.

Listen, I'd go a step further, as many NFL games are now beamed around the globe and with broadcast teams tailored to specific audiences. Consider ESPN's Crocodile Dundee-style "g'days" before the last Super Bowl, an Aussie-centric broadcast, for better or worse, featuring Steve Levy, Louis Riddick and Brian Griese.

It was fine. The trio was professional, led by Levy doing his syrupy-SportsCenter best, and even tapped into Australian lingo. This all landed ... sort of ... like a Chris Rock bit on a mainstream college campus. 

After the game's halftime show, Levy even announced that "Super Bowl 55 is presented by Macca's." Look, it was all at once weird, oddly accurate, and possibly not needed, I thought, as I slowly munched on my Macca's burger. 

Still, ESPN or one of the incumbent platforms like YouTube could continue catering to the Aussie fans through its regular season selections. It's great that countries like Australia, New Zealand and UK get all the usual big games from the major broadcasters - everybody wants Nantz and Romo, and who doesn't love Ian Eagle? Glitzy graphics and loud intro songs by sparkly starlets - the world is onboard. (It's half the reason the NFL appeals to new markets!)

But for the backlot-three-people-in-the-stands-cellar-dweller-scraps, there's an opportunity to  indulge newer fan groups. There's room for more, dare we say, Big Macs.

Aussies also tend to gather in pubs around big market teams and popular brands, including the New York Giants, New England Patriots, Los Angeles Rams, and yes, of course, the Sydney - I mean, San Francisco 49ers. 

Sure, everyone wants to see the Eagles take on the Cowboys in the marquee game, but some countries would surely love a dusty 49ers - Rams September tilt just as much. 

Similarly, if Twitter aired a Pats versus Raiders Sunday afternoon fiasco, not only would gamblers across the Asia-Pacific trip over their digital wallets, but so to would anyone who bought a Tom Brady jersey on his last family holiday to Vegas-via-LA-Austin-and-Aspen. 

Chicago Bears use franchise, no frankfurter ... why?

The term 'franchise tag' is thrown around the sports media with impunity, as if we all know what this stuff really means.

Okay sure, maybe if you play NFL video games you know everything there is about managing a virtual football team, or perhaps you're Mike Tannenbaum and pop up on ESPN every 5 minutes for an argument about coffee stains on contracts, then yes, you love this language. 

Great. But for the rest of us schmoes, this sort of front office jargon is about as irritating as an Adam Gase press conference. 

Wake us up when you have some football news, guys.

For anyone still with us here, Chicago Bears wideout Allen Robinson has had the franchise tag placed upon him, as per our pals at the Worldwide Leader. This is breaking news in 2021, in case you're wondering.

But I'm not actually sure if this involves an in-person scenario where someone pins a Walmart-style price tag to the player, or someone rubber stamps his behind, but he's been marked, okay. Just mark my words.

The crux of the matter is a long-term deal wasn't met between the Bears and Robinson, despite the fact he caught 102 passes for 1,250 yards last season.

So, in short, Allen and Bears bosses didn't see eye-to-eye on money, but rather than lose him to free agency, this 'tag' holds him in Chicago for a year. 

I don't love this idea from the player's perspective because it feels like a 'no-vote' of confidence. It's like betting on both red and black. Are you Team Aniston or Team Jolie? Come on now. The guy carried the club's offense, as NFL.com's Kevin Patra has pointed out.

The tag also means the player gets an average payment in that short time, not necessarily what they deserve out in the open market.

At least throw some lifetime deep dish pizza at the guy ... a little Portillos dog ... invite him to a few tailgate grills ... something. 

Where's Coach Ditka when you need him? He'd straighten this out.

Cowboys quarterback contracts are made for internet disruption

Caps. 

Guarantees. 

Tags. 

It all hurts my head after a while, how about you? 

The money side of pro football tends to get the nerds bunched up in the shorts, which is why I suppose news of this kind is created in the first place. 

It used to be the sort of stuff left to an addendum, or slotted neatly below a free bobblehead giveaway. 

Now the bookkeepers are revered like Captain America.

Well, at least one thing remains the same: nobody generates news like the Dallas Cowboys, which is perhaps why when there’s literally nothing going on in the NFL off-season, a Cowboys story breaks the internet.

And when you can lead a story with simply, 'Dak's done', as SI.com recently did, you know 'dem Cowboys continue to be a winning news ticket.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones surely knows this, which is why he waited for some quiet on Coming To America 2 chatter and a lull in Jenner-centric social posts to hit us in the eyes with a spicy Texan rub. 

Yes, Dak Prescott’s new $164 million deal (or whatever it is when you divide by several boring figures and carry the one) did us like Debbie this week, certainly because it’s the Cowboys, but mostly because the 24-hour news cycle is craving QB news like selfies. 

See, the supposed QB “carousel” we keep hearing about is spinning lamely like an Emmitt Smith GIF right now. It never stops, but rather just flashes and turns across our screens with no view of the goal line. 

Unlike the real thing it simply teases us. 

As fans, the rumor mills and ESPN-led scenario suggestions are fun for about a week, but have now become about as interesting as a top 20 list on the fastest urinal flushes inside NFL stadiums.

Ahhh internet information about nothing ... thanks goodness for Jerry Jones, eh?

Tom Brady jerseys sell like shaved ice under the Tampa sun

Depending on which source you click, Tom Brady's Tampa Bay Bucs jersey is the NFL's best selling. So are his t-shirts, caps and I think underpants (we're checking on the last one).

This is hardly surprising, but what is weird is that many of the purchasers of Pirate Tom's famed No.12 are from outside of Tampa Bay - including Miami! - and even outside of Florida. 

Indeed many of the Bucs bandwagoners it would seem, are from New England, at least according to a story by ESPN which quoted recent sales numbers from online store Fanatics. 

A few wacky lobster rollers with loose change were apparently looking for a new winter look, and who'd blame them after witnessing Cam Newton's attempts at Jules Verne-ing the pigskin into the center of the earth.

These are the most popular jerseys - the Super Bowl iteration, you see.

We need to keep in mind that while many of these fans are likely to be Pats supporters, they may in fact be Brady backers above all else. So, the question begs that if Their Guy Tom happened to play a season with the New York Giants, would they similarly fork out money for a Big Blue 12? 

It's hard to imagine. Then again, there are a lot more sports fans out there in 2021 with closer ties to their favorite Kardashian than their local football team, so, you know ... 

Personally, I want to see Brady play a season somewhere else just to test this all out. But not in New York, or even the AFC East, just somewhere that stretches the logic of potential sportswear shoppers farther than a hamstring pull by Richard Simmons. I'm thinking ... maybe ... Denver. 

The Pats and Broncos have had too many spiteful games against each other for anyone to truly consider a Brady In Orange Super Bowl jersey from Fanatics, right? 

Plus, there's the fact that his contemporary Peyton Manning won in Colorado, which would make the whole thing weirder than John Elway starting a helicopter business in Wisconsin. 

Listen, maybe I've got this all wrong: maybe these jersey collectors simply love Josh McCown - the original Bucs No.12 - who is not only a nice guy, too, but has the sort of polished bob to rival Brady's any day of the Sunshine State week. How much for a McCown jersey ... anyone?

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Rams and 49ers unis were once the magic thread in the fabric of the NFL

At first, the brighter blue and yellow of the Rams 2020 uniforms seemed in step with their recent rise. 

After all, things have looked up for Los Angeles football these modern times, harking back to the glory days of the late 1940s and early 50s. "Time to celebrate the good times!" ... a branding consultant to the club must have advised one fateful winter's day.

To be sure, chrome-tinged images of yesteryear hide whatever brightness might have existed in those earlier Rams unis. Only those who were actually there know how the sun bounced off those crew-cut era outfits inside the majestic L.A. Memorial Coliseum. 

To my eyes now, that old yeller was soft, and the blue more royal than anything else. Not so now, as the hyperactive, hyperintense, hyper-I-want-to-be-seen vibe takes hold across all of sports. Sure, in the Rams guide it's called royal blue ... but it looks more like Cool Blue Gatorade.

I'm just not sure what to make of the current get-up but it smacks of the sort of meddling only a mid-level marketeer with no sense of tradition could conjure up. Couldn't we get that kid on sanitary watch or something?

Why go brighter? Why? We can see the helmet, folks - the colors, the awesome Ram horn lines, even the facemask. I mean where does this end? You might as well move into shades of purple. At this point, ticking boxes for the sake of change seems more important than tradition. 

Now this all came to a head for me when the Rams recently faced the Niners, another team with a wonderful uniform - once upon a time. Today? Well, it's usually fine but sometimes, like against the Rams, the team dons a very bland all white - that's jersey, pants and socks - like a five-year old's pajamas. 

Hey, perhaps a kindergartener was interviewed for these uni designs, I don't know. No wait, sorry. I can't lay the blame for the black stripes and outlines of the numbers at the foot of an innocent kid - they'd be way more savvy with their Crayolas than to add black trim to red. 

The use of black as a primary color on NFL unis simply has to end. Did Roger Goodell sign a deal with Sherwin-Williams? What gives here?

I implore you to Google Roger Craig or Joe Montana - 'in the eighties': you will not see a finer uniform on the gridiron than that rich red jersey with three white stripes, gold pants and gold helmet. Forget the search, let me just paste one for you here ...

Magic. At least the current helmet is close to that older one but still has had the juice turned up on the gold because, you know, in 2020, really, really bright colors are so much more special. 

Maybe they should make the cleats rose gold while they're at it, because there's surely an uninspired graph on a frozen powerpoint slide somewhere that shows 11% of the population will just love it.

Jets need a new play-caller: Gase generously gives the media his top 5

After his team's fifth straight loss, Jets coach Adam Gase said he's thought about giving up play-calling at times over the past four years. 

The virtual press room cheered at this suggestion, I presume, and then pressed Gase for some new play-caller candidates.

What followed was Gase at his erudite best, offering his top five prospective coaches for New York's premier varsity squad. To paraphrase the presuming web nerds "reporting" on half-baked news sites, these will surprise you:

1. Bill O'Brien - fresh from a firing, he's ready to fire up. Or not.

2. Mr Met - no, he wouldn't say much but then again, does Gase?

3. Al Pacino - does he know football? Maybe not. But he can yell like nobody's business.

4. Fozzie Bear - sure, he's unconventional and even emotional, but he's funny as hell.

5. Lightsaber guy - why not? He likes to say "it hurts to look at" ... try the Jets, fella.