Five Better Ways for the Dolphins to Spend Fans' Money

The Miami Dolphins want to spruce up their stadium in an effort to win Super Bowl 50 in two years time.

The problem is they’ll need taxpayer money to cover the bill. That’s nothing new for South Floridians who coughed up millions for the Miami Marlins' ballpark, a year ago.

Upgrades to the Miami Dolphins' Sun Life Stadium are expected to cost about $400 million, and owner Stephen Ross has agreed pay at least $201 million. He's a very generous man, isn't he?

The Dolphins say upgrades will ramp up the arena for major events like Super Bowls, and especially the 50th, which Miami is clearly confident of winning because of its warm weather and superb off-field debauchery. 

The deal would keep the Phins---and presumably Marc Anthony in his shades---in South Florida through to at least 2034.

The plan includes adding about 3,600 new seats close to the field, improved amenities and a canopy roof that would shield fans from Florida's elements, while preserving a grass playing surface. 

While all splendid ideas, $199 million worth of taxpayers' money feels a lofty price tag for a few deck chairs and beach umbrella. Surely Ross could do better at Walmart?

So here are Five Better Ways For The Dolphins To Spend Fans' Money:

1. Miami Vice: Use $17.5 million to launch an FBI-led investigation into the Dolphins classic helmet logo, in which a cartoon dolphin sports a helmet with an "M" on it, instead of a cartoon dolphin.

2. Fishing For No.13: At least offer Dan Marino $55 million to return under center. If he doesn't accept, can they give him $40 million to be the team's quarterback coach?

3. No More Orange Seats: As Miami has one of the worst attendance records in the NFL, a few million to cover the cost of stand-in fans might help. 

4. Boom Boom Pow: Have you ever noticed the Dolphins' star owners are higher on glitz and glamor than football know-how? The better part of $105 million could hook the Fish local heavies like Andy Garcia, The Rock, 2 Live Crew and David Caruso.

5. Soft and Cuddly: Whatever's left should be spent on a Dolphins toy collection for the cute little girl in this Miami Dolphins cheerleaders video. Look, one minute you're quietly jumping around in a pit of plastic balls, the next a pack of scantily-clad Amazonians are crowding your space. Poor little thing.

Taking the bait in Miami

It's high time somebody called out Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, firstly, for whatever role he played in the signing of Chad Johnson, but mostly for turning the Fins into his own personal PR project.

Miami, one of the NFL's great clubs by any measure - wins, memorable games, legendary players, iconic branding - entered the league just when things really started sizzling. It was 1966, and the NFL and AFL rivalry was so hot, a merger of frank and mustard proportions was inevitable. The likes of the Oakland Raiders, Buffalo Bills and San Diego Chargers were burning up gridirons in the new league, and the only thing left to do was expand. Where? Why south! South Beach to be exact, where talents have been taken and defining the landscape since Sinatra and the boys threw back Jacks at the Fountainbleau.

And yet, after all the history, the martinis, the thrills and throws, showman and showoffs, from Dino to Marino, we have a tax accountant cum millionaire real estate man calling the shots in Miami. How does this happen, you ask? Commerce friends. It's a powerful thing and it often knows very little about the hook and ladder.

But perhaps the last straw, the whittled and worn thread remaining after the penultimate twig, is that now there are rumors that Ross wants to change the Dolphins logo. First LeBron James betrayed Cleveland for the palm-lined paradise, now this. What's next, Fergie at quarterback?

It's truly hard to like the Dolphins during this bizarro phase. They're not Kramer - they're Feldman. They're not Buzz Lightyear - they're a mindless preprogrammed clone hellbent on more than infinity. And with a new logo, purportedly something you'd see imprinted on the glass doors of a pastel shaded Fort Lauderdale resort, they further run the risk of alienating fans. That is unless they're keen on filling seats with Mr. Ross' vacationing buddies.

I can't really see them dancing to Enrique Iglesias pre-game, can you?