Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Five Better Ways for the Dolphins to Spend Fans' Money


The Miami Dolphins want to spruce up their stadium in an effort to win Super Bowl 50 in two years time.

The problem is they’ll need taxpayer money to cover the bill. That’s nothing new for South Floridians who coughed up millions for the Miami Marlins' ballpark, a year ago.
Upgrades to the Miami Dolphins' Sun Life Stadium are expected to cost about $400 million, and owner Stephen Ross has agreed pay at least $201 million. He's a very generous man, isn't he?

The Dolphins say upgrades will ramp up the arena for major events like Super Bowls, and especially the 50th, which Miami is clearly confident of winning because of its warm weather and superb off-field debauchery. 

The deal would keep the Phins---and presumably Marc Anthony in his shades---in South Florida through to at least 2034.

The plan includes adding about 3,600 new seats close to the field, improved amenities and a canopy roof that would shield fans from Florida's elements, while preserving a grass playing surface. 

While all splendid ideas, $199 million worth of taxpayers' money feels a lofty price tag for a few deck chairs and beach umbrella. Surely Ross could do better at Walmart?

So here are Five Better Ways For The Dolphins To Spend Fans' Money:

1. Miami Vice: Use $17.5 million to launch an FBI-led investigation into the Dolphins classic helmet logo, in which a cartoon dolphin sports a helmet with an "M" on it, instead of a cartoon dolphin.

2. Fishing For No.13: At least offer Dan Marino $55 million to return under center. If he doesn't accept, can they give him $40 million to be the team's quarterback coach?

3. No More Orange Seats: As Miami has one of the worst attendance records in the NFL, a few million to cover the cost of stand-in fans might help. 

4. Boom Boom Pow: Have you ever noticed the Dolphins' star owners are higher on glitz and glamor than football know-how? The better part of $105 million could hook the Fish local heavies like Andy Garcia, The Rock, 2 Live Crew and David Caruso.

5. Soft and Cuddly: Whatever's left should be spent on a Dolphins toy collection for the cute little girl in this Miami Dolphins cheerleaders video. Look, one minute you're quietly jumping around in a pit of plastic balls, the next a pack of scantily-clad Amazonians are crowding your space. Poor little thing.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Kaepernick vs. Flacco: The QB Showdown

Colin Kaepernick
There are so many important match-ups in any given Super Bowl, but perhaps none more talked about than 'who has the better quarterback?'

So here it is---Kap versus Flack!

Colin Kaepernick (in a crowd sounds like: "Hold the pumpernickle"), San Francisco 49ers

Age: 25
Height: 6'4
Weight: 230 lbs (65 of which is ink)
Experience: Just eight meaningful games
Arm strength: Dolph Lundgren in Masters of the Universe
Total yards passing: 1,849
Total yards rushing: 413
Best tattoo: Entire 49ers playbook
Facial hair style: Shaggy from Scooby Doo
Signature move: Flexing bicep
Jersey number: #7 (more Vick than Elway)

Joe Flacco
Joe Flacco (in a crowd sounds like: "No fly zone"), Baltimore Ravens

Age: 26
Height: 6'6
Weight: 245 lbs (5 oz of which are gummy bears in his back pocket)
Experience: 5 years
Arm strength: Sylvester Stallone in Rambo - First Blood Part II
Total yards passing: 17,633
Total yards rushing: 430
Best tattoo: 'I love calzone' in a heart shape
Facial hair style: Sometimes Beckham, other times Yosemite Sam
Signature move: Deer in the headlights look
Jersey number: #5 (should wear No.3 instead, like Lamonica)

Edge: Flacco (Stallone took down Lundgren in Rocky IV after all)

The Panthers' Sir Purr confronts Robby Anderson

Sir Purr watches ... and waits. Halfway down a dark hall in the bowels of Bank Of America Stadium, Charlotte, Panthers wide receiver Robby A...