A Pro Football Fantasy: The Return of Decent Defense

Making sense of the NFL in 2021 is harder than looking at Steve Belichick's hair. Yikes!

Personally I'd like to see a little more gel - I mean effort applied by a few of these football clubs, many of which are cruising through the first half of the season with all the energy of Todd Bowles after Thanksgiving dinner. 

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PIE?!

See, if you throw the ball to the other team - Sam Darnold, Teddy Bridgewater and even you, Mac Jones - your team will lose. They will. That's how this game works. Even bad defenses can handle that. However, most defenses in the NFL can't seem to handle much of anything anymore.

Unfortunately there are seemingly more teams than not that haven't Googled 'tackle' recently. Maybe Coach confiscated their phones?

The Browns are one of those teams, a group that literally craps its pants when a ball is sent airborne. The Cardinals posted 37 on the Browns in week 6, a squad that Pro Football Focus had in its second tier of defenses ahead of the season. That's second out of five! 

Oh, and the New York Giants, they did one better. They also don't know much about defending, giving up 38 points to the Rams. Sure, L.A. is good but they also traveled across country to New Jersey, where maybe you'd think the Giants might play with some desperation. Maybe put on their big blue unis and you know, "Do something!" as Bill Parcells once said.

Listen, the issue here isn't so much about a given team, per se, but teams that you expect better of. I mean nobody is demanding that the Lions can stop much of, well, anything, and so when they give up 30-something, that's cool, right? They tried. 

But other teams should be ashamed of themselves. The Miami Dolphins - seriously? Weren't we expecting you to make a splash in the 2021 postseason? You couldn't land a splash in a toilet after a double cheese burrito with that D. 

How about the ol' Steel Curtain? More like the Rumpus Room Drapes. Great, you beat the Seahawks in OT. You realize that wasn't Russell Wilson back there, don't you? It was Geno "Here, want the ball?" Smith. And you still only won by three. 

This wonderfully historic and vaunted Pittsburgh club has gone from the glory days of truly steely defense to allowing 20 points in one half to ... Geno Smith and Co? Most people didn't even know Geno was on a roster until a week ago, so congratulations on that.

How about the Titans secondary? You guys want to sort out who has who before the ball is snapped? Oh, I see, you prefer to just see how far Josh Allen can throw it first. Here's a tip - he can throw it over your heads, even if you're standing in the parking lot. 

Lucky for you, Titans, Derrick Henry is a sonic boom in attack.

Speaking of sonic booms, did you see Trevor Lawrence's post-game attire? Sure, it's a Jaguars issue under-vest-thing, so that presumably makes it okay. It's also an excuse for a guy with large arms to gesticulate a lot in front of the media, which might satisfy some in the crowd, but I think I speak for everyone on their sofas at home when I say, put a shirt on man, this isn't poolside at the Hampton Inn!

(Of course, this is the type of comment that can spin violently around cancel culture circles. I get it. But, you know what, I cancel your outrageous self-appointed mission to delete others. It was a vest at a podium, come on!)

Back to football ...

I've thought about it and maybe we should go easy on Teddy B. Was it his fault the Broncos line cantered like a pack of ponies to let defenders in? Teddy looked slower than late career John Wayne back there. Oh wait, he also likes to cuddle the Duke like the "Duke" cuddling his revolver, so there is some precedent here.

Speaking of helping the opposition, does anyone toss into traffic better than Danny Dimes? If there are four guys in the other jersey - in Jersey - around the middle of the field, give Jones a chance, he'll get it there gang. 

Against the Rams, the Giant's No.8 had an eye-popping 6.4 QBR. Listen, I don't know even know what QBR is but I'm pretty sure your QBR should be greater than your height. 

6.4 ... at this rate, the Post and Daily News should be calling him Danny Nickels. Thanks, I'll be here all week.

5 Must-Watch Teams on NFL Game Pass

There's always a handful of teams you should bookmark on NFL Game Pass. 

Not because they're ascending to greatness like the Panthers, or because they're endlessly atop the standings like the Pats, or even because their quarterback belongs on a daytime soap like the Texans, but because they're strangely interesting. You know, in a Charlie Whitehurst sort of way.

So here are 5 NFL teams to watch on Game Pass this season:

New York Giants

It's the Big Apple. It's the beloved Big Blue, one of the most unloved teams outside of New York. That means big drama. What further reason do you need? Old Man Coughlin is on gardening leave, there's new and menacing recruits, and there's still a Manning quarterbacking. So you know, buckle up, paisano!

San Francisco 49ers

How one of the sport's most iconic teams went from Super Bowl contender to outright dysfunction is befuddling. Teams like the Niners usually find their way, right? It's in their DNA: Montana. Rice. Craig. Young. And now ... Gabbert? Well, maybe. When your second-stringer gets more headlines than your starter, you know things are about to get weird.

Miami Dolphins

Being a Fins fan in 2016 is like being slapped with a groper. Hard. Who's running this club, anyway? That cadre of scantily clad celebrities? And why doesn't the dolphin in the logo wear a helmet anymore? That's clearly the wrong message in the concussion era, isn't it? Then there's young Tannehill. Can he throw down field, yet? The answer to that one is yes, provided you have no target in mind. All that said, what a mix of story lines.

Minnesota Vikings

They have a flash new billion dollar stadium, a new creaky veteran quarterback, and the breathless hopes of frigid fan base desperate for success. It's a moving story. At least there's still that furry horn-hatted dude ripping around on a chopper to keep hearts warm. Oh, wait ...

San Diego Chargers

Like a musty old bear at the city's famous zoo, the Chargers are constantly worried about moving house. Who moves from San Diego though, outside of a crazy NBA owner? Is this even worth discussing? Just sit back and sip on a Yellowtail, and watch Rivers zip the ball into the sun splashed horizon.

Honourable mentions:

• New York Jets - FitzMagic, or fits of panic?

• Jacksonville Jaguars - Still don't get the two-tone helmet. Do you dip it in water or something?

• Chicago Bears - The offensive line has been sured up. Over to you Jay.

• Houston Texans - Will Oz play, or bail to watch his girlfriend sing in the choir?

NY Giants: bigger and bluer, in the end

It began in sections, like the disjointed parts of a Picasso painting: angled, rounded and unusually colored. We were ushered into the NFC Championship with a rousing anthem and then drawn closer through a clouded lens. The darkened sky, sullen with gray water, rapidly descended upon Candlestick and the event became challenging, beyond its fundamental conflict, that is. The ball, soaked and looking more like a stone, suddenly slipped on the pass and bobbled on the carry. And with the game tied at seven early in the second stanza, who might have predicted the outcome of this title bout with any certainty?

The 49ers jersey seemed darker when we were kids, didn't it? It was a deep, royal red, with perfect white lettering. On Sunday, that jersey reappeared, caused by the wintry rain blanketing the Bay. On replays, in particular, the Niners' movement was striking: Frank Gore was a crimson blur chugging through the trenches. It reminded me of Roger Craig.

By contrast, the Giants white was spoiling fast, bright at a distance but muddied and paint-stained on every close up. Some might say, much like New York City itself. They defended well, the New Yorkers, superbly rushing the passer in the pocket, but equally closing the space behind the line whenever Alex Smith traversed beyond it. By second-quarter's end, the fans were drenched and the Giants, somehow, seemed to have the upper hand by virtue of their defensive presence. 

Eli Manning also threw first downs - short and sharp routes on consecutive plays. These advanced the Giants momentum, as their running game was stifled by those darkened red shirts. The Niners' Alex Smith, though not strictly employed for his running ability, carried the ball more effectively than the Giants back field, mostly because his nimble jabs are conducive to wet conditions. So Eli kept throwing, sending wobbly spirals to Victor Cruz who has better hands than Spiderman. Cruz's eight first-half receptions for 125 yards seemed to be wholly accumulated in the final minute of second. Either way, his significant contribution aided New York's ten first-half points.

And then the Niners opened the third like bulls let loose in Pamplona. They stunted the Giants first drive and won back possession. A dash by Smith and a crafty run by Kendall Hunter and suddenly San Francisco looked the better team. Soon after, Alex Smith, who had tossed just a few accurate balls this game, heaved a brilliant spinning loop to Vernon Davis in the end zone. It appears as though any time these two connect it results in a big play. He must be the fastest tight end in the game today.

The game trudged towards the end of the third. Foggy camera lenses gave the illusion that we were watching a dream - one where you can smell the surrounds so distinctly, but can't influence the action. Maybe it was indeed a dream, because the 49ers - a club we'd all but forgotten this last decade - were beating down the mighty Giants of New York. One more quarter of Jason Pierre-Paul to withstand; just a few of Eli's chance long balls yet to zip by; and only several more charges from New York's tough rushers to endure. But the Niners are masters of lingering, not so much finishing. And at some point, one of those Eli passes was going to travel the necessary distance without interruption. As some point Blue dots would dominate the landscape.

Sure enough, Manning to Manningham! - long overdue in this game –  and the Giants took the lead again. But San Francisco, equal to the task, then marched down field, once more behind Alex Smith's running. His 17-yard sprint around the edge surely prompted recollections of Playoff Steve Young across the country. Why did we all doubt this guy so much? Wasn't it evident that he had talent, just the wrong coaching? David Akers - the man with the happiest profile photo in the NFL - evened the score and there we were, facing a mouth-watering finale.  

The defenses dictated the dwindling minutes of regulation, sending their best rushers through holes and over human barriers with the desperation of cavalries making one last commitment. Both quarterbacks took their licks: Eli, by game's end, looked like distraught grade schooler, disheveled and depleted after a frenzied day in the school yard. At times, his pads jutting from his collar, and a mouth full of grass - or even his own chin strap - Manning played the part of Phil Simms in this one: tough, resilient, and able to sling the game into impossible moments. It was the sort of performance that defenders appreciate, where broken plays are extended into new sets of downs, and battered warriors can heal until their next clash.

Finally, in overtime, the whole thing had run its course, like a boxing match on its last legs, winded and woozy. It was just a matter of who could survive the last gasp blows. The Niners had done so much right, especially on the defensive end, where they affected the New York ground game by holding it under 90 yards. But in the end, the G-Men showed a durability that will serve them well in the Super Bowl. They kept coming on defense with that line that doesn't relent. It held the Niners to less than 30 minutes of possession, but perhaps more significantly, forced them into errors on more third downs than any team should endure. San Francisco converted just one of thirteen third downs, clearly an indictment of their offensive execution amid the elements.

Now the Giants return to the big one to face a Patriot team hell bent on Super Bowl revenge. But don't be so sure Brady and Co. will have all the answers for New York, who have proven time and time again, the dealing doesn't need to be pretty, it just needs to yield an opportunity for victory.