Friday, January 18, 2013

Matt Schaub Career Day


Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub doesn't have a big game in him, the experts are telling us. The New England Patriots are waiting mercilessly to annihilate Schaub and his pals in the divisional playoff round, and there’s nothing the NFL’s fourth best passer---according to ESPN’s passer rating stat---can do about it.
Houston, in other words, not only has a problem, but faces a freaking impossibility!
Schaub told The New York Times this week that the Texans are looking to take the next step.
“The expectations have grown and grown around here, especially in the locker room, that we expect to play good ball and to move on,” Schaub said.
You have to feel for the guy because he does everything right. He throws for 4,000 yards like he’s playing Tecmo Bowl, and his touchdown to interception ratio reads like Christina Hendricks measurements---top heavy. He’s also unassuming and modest, a quiet assassin, if you will.
But despite the cool temperament, and even though he racks up jaw-dropping stats---he’s done so since his stellar high school and college years---we know, or at least are constantly told, it takes more to seize glory.
So perhaps it’s time for Schaub to call it quits, think about a new profession, and focus on something, well, a little more him. We’ve come up with a few suggestions, just as a guide, anticipating Matt will be in no mood to think about such weighty things after the Texans turn in seven points to the Pats’ 50.
Job ideas for Texans QB Matt Schaub following the playoffs:
Rabbi or Priest – he has the hair-style already, the solemn look, plus the patience and self-forgiveness.
Accountant – the man loves numbers, just look at all those yards.
Surf shop clerk – certainly a more relaxed, low scrutiny, people person type gig.
Couples therapist – his soothing voice is less hands-under-center and more loveseat.
Cameo actor as “big brother” or “popular jock” – he’s got the height, looks, and prerequisite insecurity.
Major League pitcher - for no reason other than his zip and preference for short deliveries. Also, rarely a game goes by where he doesn't wipe his brow as if atop the mound in the seventh.

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