Eli Shoots For The Stars On Broadway

Eli Manning might be more divisive than the new Turtles movie. At least the heroes-in-a-half-shell never seemed to care about their detractors. 

Eli, on the other hand, well, he's more contemplative.

It's a funny thing playing quarterback in New York, mostly because you're only as good as your last down, or fur coat purchase for that matter. Consider that Eli is a two-time Super Bowl champ and yet an all-time punching bag among pundits. Some seem to especially resent his penchant for suddenly improbable moments, and those people are usually Patriots fans, like Grantland’s head honcho Bill Simmons. 

The Sports Guy is right that Manning pulls passes out of his rear in a way that'd make Copperfield gush. But by the same token, you might say the Giants signal-caller simply has guts. I’m not talking about the sort of big ones it takes to ask out Gisele Bundchen, but the kind that leads you to toss a prayer into the swirling Meadowlands winds in front of 80,000 screaming fans. Gisele turns you down, at least you’re going home with your cool hair and in a sports car. But blow a big pass in New York and you’re spending the night in the shadows of the MetLife concourse my friend.

The point is that I admire Eli for his understated bravado. He’s like the quietly over-confident movie friend who thinks he’s got a chance with Emma Stone's character. The shame is he just might, if he’d stop wearing shades in the cafeteria.

Apparently most Giants fans agree that the younger Manning still has special something to offer. In fact, about 74% of people in a NJ.com poll said they still had faith in often maligned QB, as of this week. That’s a stronger vote of confidence than I’m sure Big Apple fans would be willing to give Jets pilot Geno Smith. "EEhhh Geno, whenareyouagonnalearnah?!"

Ahead of Eli's eleventh season, the G-Men think tank ordered in the playbook made famous on the opposite coast. Yes, starting in early September, you’ll see New York’s No.10 make shorter drops and more promptly let it fly as he looks for high percentage reads—Joe Montana style. This West Coast move is aimed at curtailing his errors and presumably will give the offense a better chance of avoiding three-and-outs.

However, many writers have jumped on the audacious 70% completion goal the Giants have scribbled at the top of Eli's To Do list, deriding it as a hard target for the best ever, let alone a QB who's never surpassed the 63% mark. Fair enough, but this system will give New York's receivers a chance to improve, and I'd count on Manning to make it work. 

Others, like Neil Paine of Five Thirty Eight also contend that the idea of trying to mitigate mistakes doesn't always pay off. I can't argue this, especially when we know Eli can drop his head faster than Matt Schaub's in a Houston deli if things go off course. On a cool night at Lincoln Financial Field, with the boos raining down and your palms sweatier than the day Cougar turned in his wings, you might rather see Eli heave a few speculators, right? 

Time, and Manning's timing, will tell.

If pro QBs moonlighted at your local deli

A photo taken at a Houston-based restaurant rounded the web recently because of its tongue-in-cheek dig at Texans quarterback, Matt Schaub.

The shop's sandwich board read:

Matt Schaub special - Pick Six - Toppings for you burger.

The clever idea got us thinking, what if pro quarterbacks actually moonlighted at your neighborhood deli?

So without further ado...

If Peyton Manning worked your local deli counter, orders would change last second and hit your hands before you looked up.

If Ben Roethlisberger worked your local deli counter, your pastrami on rye would end up sacked in a steaming heap.

If Geno Smith worked your local deli counter, Rex Ryan would insist a sub be named after him.

If Alex Smith worked your local deli counter, sandwiches would be quick and precise, but mostly under-appreciated.

If Cam Newton worked your local deli counter, the service would dazzle but leave you wanting more.

If Aaron Rodgers worked your local deli counter, it'd be high quality but relentless reviews by sports anchors would leave an unsavory taste.      
 
If Jay Cutler worked your local deli counter, orders would fly out with extra mustard and a sprinkle of disdain.

If Tony Romo worked your local deli counter, all wrong orders would be blamed on him, even on his day off.

If Carson Palmer worked your local deli counter, the turnovers would stand out.

Matt Schaub Career Day

Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub doesn't have a big game in him, the experts are telling us. The New England Patriots are waiting mercilessly to annihilate Schaub and his pals in the divisional playoff round, and there’s nothing the NFL’s fourth best passer---according to ESPN’s passer rating stat---can do about it.

Houston, in other words, not only has a problem, but faces a freaking impossibility!

Schaub told The New York Times this week that the Texans are looking to take the next step.

“The expectations have grown and grown around here, especially in the locker room, that we expect to play good ball and to move on,” Schaub said.

You have to feel for the guy because he does everything right. He throws for 4,000 yards like he’s playing Tecmo Bowl, and his touchdown to interception ratio reads like Christina Hendricks measurements---top heavy. He’s also unassuming and modest, a quiet assassin, if you will.

But despite the cool temperament, and even though he racks up jaw-dropping stats---he’s done so since his stellar high school and college years---we know, or at least are constantly told, it takes more to seize glory.

So perhaps it’s time for Schaub to call it quits, think about a new profession, and focus on something, well, a little more him. We’ve come up with a few suggestions, just as a guide, anticipating Matt will be in no mood to think about such weighty things after the Texans turn in seven points to the Pats’ 50.

Job ideas for Texans QB Matt Schaub following the playoffs:

Rabbi or Priest – he has the hair-style already, the solemn look, plus the patience and self-forgiveness.

Accountant – the man loves numbers, just look at all those yards.

Surf shop clerk – certainly a more relaxed, low scrutiny, people person type gig.

Couples therapist – his soothing voice is less hands-under-center and more loveseat.

Cameo actor as “big brother” or “popular jock” – he’s got the height, looks, and prerequisite insecurity.

Major League pitcher - for no reason other than his zip and preference for short deliveries. Also, rarely a game goes by where he doesn't wipe his brow as if atop the mound in the seventh.

A go, no-go for Houston

Houston's pro football endeavors - both those in powder and steel blue - have seen success, but are mostly forgotten among relentless images of America's Team, the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys are glitz and glamour, typified by their starred helmets and tradition for the grandiose. This, of course, continues today in their state-of-the-art football theater. It sure is tough to stand out in the world of Texas football.

Houston football, however, was once about a dynamic quarterback named Moon and a horse-powered runner called Campbell. The club was flashy and exciting, and played in a then, space-aged Astrodome, on a martian-like surface. For more than 35 years the Oilers greased the wheel of football fortune, spending the majority of their time in the win column. Go on and count them: the Oilers were a force, in the early Sixties, in the late Seventies, in the late Eighties and early Nineties. Houston football - even without Super Bowl jewelry - has been, at times, astronomically good.

But of course, so much has changed lately. The sun has long set on the career of Warren Moon, Steve McNair is sadly gone, and Earl Campbell is a businessman in Austin, Texas. The Oilers played their last down in 1997, albeit in Tennessee, before transitioning to their Titanic identity of today. Sometimes change isn't for the best.

For fans back in Texas not enamored with the rodeo ride that is Jerry Jones's Cowboys, the Texans were thankfully born - a club loaded with talent and expectation but perennially short on success. Unlike the old Oilers, it certainly feels like the Texans are always mired in the mediocrity of 8 - 8 seasons. Last season was even worse at 6-10. The oil well, if you will, is bone dry. But true to form, the Texans are hyped as a winner again in 2011, hoping to finally conquer the AFC south, with the Indianapolis Colts suddenly lame.

These Texans are not afraid to run, harking back to the glorious trade plied by Earl Campbell. They have a new stable, led by offensive thoroughbreds Andre Johnson and Arian Foster, but also a worthy yearling  in Ben Tate, who last week ripped apart the hapless Colts for 116 yards and a touchdown in Week 1. Then there's Matt Schaub who throws the ball more than most, and for large chunks. All combined, the modern Houston attack is high octane.

But to succeed, the steel blue version of this city's football outfit will need to do more than churn up yards and post copious amounts of points. The Colts are Manning-less, so last week's scoring parade could dangerously inflate Houston's ego going forward. The highly touted Schaub is indeed prolific, but he's also lumbering and not always accurate. When facing opponents with dedicated pass rushers like the energetic Dolphins, menacing Raiders and furious Ravens, he'll need to release the ball faster and certainly with more precision for this team to overcome its averages.