8 career options for benched Jets QB, Zach Wilson

With Zach Wilson out of a gig in New York, we thought we’d chip in with some career advice. 

So here are 8 things Zach can take up while he licks his wounds and gels his quiff on the sideline. Honestly, he won't be able to say NO to some of these ideas!

1. Mug for novelty mugs: Perhaps the most obvious role for the Jets No.1 is to sell a series of ‘No.1’ branded merch. Think about it ... #1 Brat mugs, #1 Prima Donna t-shirts, #1 Back-up toilet paper, #1 in the Clubhouse headbands.

2. Serve one too many: Could there be a better opportunity for Zach than partnering with former QB sh@t-stirer, Jay Cutler? They could open a nice little unfriendly bar together, ‘Zach and Jay’s Sunday Sulk’.

3. Karate chop! The time is right for a new villain on the hit show, Cobra Kai. Listen, Zach has the looks, the attitude and even the goofy headband. 

4. Be a hero to punks everywhere: Gen Z’s most questionable cohort have had some pretty precarious champions in the past, so it’s high time they nab a new role model punk, right? Nobody lacks self-awareness or fails to take responsibility like Wilson.

5. Soak up the sideline: The Jets former no.2 pick needn’t give up football, gang! There are many in the NFL fraternity who feel there just aren’t enough self-appointed sideline stars. Zach might not throw well but word is he can really clip a board and stare at a laminated diner menu.

6. Autographs! Saved By The Bell pics sell for a pretty penny on eBay. Let the Bell save you, Zach!

7. Make "No" your thing: Press conferences are fairly boring but if you need someone who can’t read the room and has a knack for one-word answers, Wilson is your man! Sure, Belichick owns the corner, but the press can't resist a much sexier negative response, surely. 

8. Get about town, man: Nobody out there has been willing to suggest gigolo, but we’ll go there. He’s got the experience, perfect hair and the Saleh-endorsed beefiness.

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AFC East is anybody's ... or nobody's ... or the Patriots'

Every new NFL season brings renewed hope, unless you're a fan of three teams not named the Patriots in the AFC East. 

The Patriots, like the smell of day old clams, hang about, linger and infuse themselves in every AFC East fan's living room, every year. Pats fans breath it in, while Jets, Dolphins and Bills fans scramble for an available window. It's been this way for 20 years.

Last season the tables turned and the Pats didn't get a whiff of the division title, and this breathed brief new life into the ol' four-team race. Suddenly, the Pats looked washed as a perennial runner-up, the Bills, looked the part of a world beater. Miami ascended, too, while the Jets might have been better if not for their odorous coach, Gas - er, sorry, Gase. 

In any event, we all knew that period of time would be short-lived, and that once the planets realigned, the Pats would again reign supreme. Now that hasn't happened just yet, but we the fans know it's imminent. The Death Star draws near and in its tractor beam will soon be a flopping Dolphin, a restless Buffalo and a sputtering Jet. It was only a matter of time before each squad returned to their rightful downtrodden slot.

And yet, there needs to be optimism at season's opening, right? 

After all, the Jets have a new quarterback, Zach Wilson, that everyone in the media tells us throws a beautiful ball. His hair is beautiful, too. He's the next Aaron Rodgers! He's very cool and calm. He's ... he's ... Joe Namath without the fur!

Hey let's wait and see because we've all heard this before - five times over!

Then there's Josh Allen, who apparently will be the MVP, people tell us. Really? MVP? Look, he's good but I'm not sure he's better than eight other quarterbacks - who are these snake oil merchants, anyway? They'd tell you Matt Flynn should have been an MVP if you gave them half a minute. 

And that leaves us with Tua, the nicest quarterback in the league with the best left arm going around. Few have faith in the Miami man, and yet the same folks once told us he was a surer thing than Ray Finkle hitting the ball laces out. Make up your mind internet sh*t-spinners! 

Well, these are the thoughts swirling around at the start of a much anticipated season, where only time will tell if one of the AFC East minnows can upend the behemoth in New England. 

Can you believe this, even when they come off a losing season we fear them. I feel like Roy Scheider in Jaws ... cue the theme song ...load the harpoons ... and grab me a new pair of shorts!

NFL season 2021: Enjoy the best moments from training camp so far

The NFL offseason is full of optimism, action, intrigue and weird combos of active wear and headbands. It's like a glam-metal festival out there. But that's why we love training camp! Let's look in at a few of the best camp moments so far ...

Drew Lock isn't in a laughing mood. But white compression tights and bright orange cleats, come on guy? 

Patrick Mahomes always gets out of a jam ... but here he's too embarrassed to admit his helmet is stuck.

Tom Brady fires a ball at an unsuspecting pizza delivery guy for wrongly bringing him a ham and pineapple. "I said gluten-free tofu vegan jerk-off!"

Smitten by his hair, most pro scouts missed Zach Wilson's Iron Man impression. 

The autumn wind is a ... oh, wait, is that the lunch bell?

Forget the Super Bowl Shuffle - the new Bears perform 'The Sprinkler'.

Jets need a new play-caller: Gase generously gives the media his top 5

After his team's fifth straight loss, Jets coach Adam Gase said he's thought about giving up play-calling at times over the past four years. 

The virtual press room cheered at this suggestion, I presume, and then pressed Gase for some new play-caller candidates.

What followed was Gase at his erudite best, offering his top five prospective coaches for New York's premier varsity squad. To paraphrase the presuming web nerds "reporting" on half-baked news sites, these will surprise you:

1. Bill O'Brien - fresh from a firing, he's ready to fire up. Or not.

2. Mr Met - no, he wouldn't say much but then again, does Gase?

3. Al Pacino - does he know football? Maybe not. But he can yell like nobody's business.

4. Fozzie Bear - sure, he's unconventional and even emotional, but he's funny as hell.

5. Lightsaber guy - why not? He likes to say "it hurts to look at" ... try the Jets, fella.

Football's Trendiest Picks For 2014

Just before the NFL season starts, a few people lose their minds. It's as if the pent up energy sends them into a Pacino-like rage and before you know it they're snarling at friends and colleagues about the Chargers chances of going to the Super Bowl, and how YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY KNOW!

Many of these people work in the field of NFL speculation and report this to us online, where they routinely share such fun facts as Alex Smith will never be more than a game manager and that the Jags are on an almighty ascension. Oh, and the 49ers will be lucky to make the playoffs.

Huh? I suppose E should've stopped pursuing Sloan too?

As always there are other tasty morsels being tossed our way as the pro football table is set, and among those are the following:

Keys to Carr

Derek Carr is the starting QB in Oakland and this was the right move for a floundering organisation, we're told. Schaub is done, apparently, his arm now as heavy as the same slab of meat used in his infamous sandwich. We can debate the pros and cons of this decision all night but one thing's clear, and that is the Raiders may have had their eye patches on the wrong side all this time.

Then there's the Giants, who despite winning everything in the preseason will supposedly be abysmal offensively. Eli, it's no surprise, is the Mr Hyde to Peyton's Doctor Jekyll. It'll always be this way because Eli is an easy target—and he plays in a media market which excels at target practice. At least Dunkin' Donuts believes in him.

Monsters and BBQ

How about the Bears? Do enough people have them pencilled in for the Super Bowl yet? Listen, Cutler's arm is its own monster of the Midway, but the defense couldn't rouse a sleep-deprived Godzilla. 

More than a few experts who were bullish on the Bills last season and not so on the Jets, now see New York trending up and Buffalo sinking. What's changed? Well, I guess Smith was slightly better than Manuel last year, and neither of them came close to matching Tannehill in Miami. So logically, most pundits have the Fish finishing behind them both. 

Perhaps the most stunning withdrawal of faith is in Kansas City, a squad that did everything right last season until their points party with the Colts in the playoffs. That gutting loss will apparently be too much for the Chiefs to overcome this year, many say, despite them boasting the league's third best rusher, one of the game's most efficient passers, a potential terrifying pass rush, and the country's top bbq joints. Andy Reid is no slouch either, but maybe his tropical shirts suggest otherwise.

Throw a Dog a Bone

Hey I almost forgot, Philly will get to the big one, we're told. Yes, that's the Nick Foles led Eagles. Well, it's possible, I guess. Everyone thought Ivan Drago was impossible to overcome, didn't they? But why has the mob suddenly soured on RGIII and Washington?One minute you're the poster child for scintillation, the next your knee is less trusted than a slick new candidate on the hill. Where's Jaws when you need him?

Lastly, no hype reel would be complete without the Cleveland Manziels. You can understand why fans want Johnny Football on the field because behind the team's athletic o-line, he may just weave some magic not seen since the Kosar era. Then again, he might get crushed under a pile of slobbery dog bones.

Tebow could jet down to Florida

Tim Tebow might actually be a better quarterback option for the New York Jets than Mark Sanchez. He's bigger, is a more powerful runner, and at this stage, may actually be more accurate.

But the Jets probably have other plans, like signing a sixth QB, selling their best player, Darrelle Revis, and generally alienating their fan base. Just another offseason in New York.

This all leaves Tebow---if the Jets aren't clever enough to devise some running packages for him---in limbo. The former Florida Gator will then seek another path to the NFL stardom, and as it turns out, the Arena Football League may have a timely opportunity.

Orlando Predators owner Brett Bouchy told the Orlando Sentinel, in no uncertain terms, that his club is in the hunt for a piece of Tebow magic. That's right---mass marketing magic.

"Tim would certainly want to first exhaust his opportunities in the NFL, but we'd love to have him," Bouchy told the Sentinel. "I think he would definitely improve as a quarterback in our league.

"Kurt Warner told me once that when he got back to the NFL after playing in the Arena League, the NFL game was like slow motion. Everything in the Arena League is just so much faster and quicker and predicated on accuracy. Whenever Tim is willing, we have a contract waiting for him to sign."

You have to admire Bouchy's ingenuity, but he does realise Arena football isn't soccer right? Passing with your arms is still required.

And while Kurt Warner was a great NFL passer, I think we can all agree that he saw the game in slow motion because he was in fact playing in slow motion. 

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Rex Ryan’s tattoogate quiz

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was spotted sun-baking in the Bahamas this week, and while The NY Daily News was likely thrilled by the scoop, they surely didn’t anticipate the lens being colored by Rex’s weird tattoo. Yes, the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer leader of the Jets sported a tat of a woman—presumably his his wife Michelle—wearing nothing but a green No. 6 jersey and smile. And you thought Tebow was the only one running the Wildcat!

Once everybody digested the disturbing nature of the rendering, questions of its  authenticity quickly arose, like the stench of a Sanchez throw.

So, in a vague attempt to clarify the mystery around “Tattoogate”, and determine whether or not the whole thing is indeed real, we’re providing fans the following Woodward and Bernstein-style multiple choice investigative quiz:

1. If Rex Ryan was to take a vacation with his wife, he would most likely book….

a) A foodie weekend in Hershey, Pennsylvania

b) Swimming with the turtles in Hawaii

c) A well known resort in the Bahamas

d) A suite at Caesar’s in Atlantic City

2. If Rex Ryan was to get a tattoo of his wife, he would choose to have it on…

a) His bicep

b) His calf

c) His rear

d) His inner-thigh

3. Which quarterback’s jersey would Rex most likely want his wife to wear to bed?

a) Joe Namath

b) Mark Sanchez

c) Tim Tebow

d) Tom Brady

4. Which half-naked female would Rex most likely have tattooed?

a) His wife, Michelle Ryan

b) Actress, Jeri Ryan

c) The Statue of Liberty

d) Jenn Sterger

BONUS QUESTION:

If Rex was to play a prank on the media, he would favor…

a) Homer Simpson novelty glasses

b) A good old whoopee cushion

c) A fake tattoo of his wife

d) Mr. Underhill’s credit card

Answers: 1a, 2c, 3d, 4b, Bonus – d 

Tebow and Sanchez spitballing

In spite of the passive-aggressive offseason criticism, the pent up big city anxiety, and the Woody Allen-like pessimism, the Jets are likely to have a successful offense in 2012-13 for one simple reason: quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow are able to move on from mistakes faster than Don Draper.

At a recent training session, each QB revealed better navigation of the press pocket than anything they could do behind center.

Sanchez said of his approach to improving: “Don’t get caught up in who completed what ball, who didn’t — don’t even let your mind go there. It’s not worth the time. It’s a waste. Just focus on the next play, have a short memory and keep playing. Be the leader this team needs.”

Tebow said of his error prone workout: "It's definitely frustrating, but it's seven-on-seven and those plays are the first time I ran them. I'll learn from it. Honestly, it won't bother me again. When you make a bad play, put it behind you and move on."

At this rate both men could be benched for Fireman Ed and still find the silver lining.

"He's just such a fiery competitor, with tremendous spelling skills, and nobody utilizes the crowd's energy like Ed does," they might say in unison to a throng of reporters. "Don't underestimate the reach of that man's hose."

Lolo Jones tweets would ensue.

Swimming against the current on Andrew Luck

"Fish, I love you and respect you very much. But I will kill you dead before this day ends."

- The Old Man and the Sea

The Miami Dolphins have scuttled their chance at Andrew Luck, and how do you think Fins Nation is coping? I guess they're feeling betrayed or bewildered, to paraphrase Nathan Lane's Birdcage alter ego.

But unlike most Fish fans, I'm actually on board with Miami's new penchant for victory. Am I Ray Finkle crazy, you ask? Just maybe. But there's something about winning that defuses all pessimism, chases away the bats in the belfry, and turns the masochistic notion of self-inflicted defeat on its head.

Why - no matter what's at stake - would anyone want to lose professional football games anyway? Don't we have any pride or integrity anymore? Apparently, the alleged "Suck for Luck" campaign is far more enticing than doing the right thing. And, I guess, Miami haven't done the right thing at quarterback for a long, long time.

So whether the Dolphins intended to suck or not, the Luck conversation has taken its talents from South Beach to Indianapolis, a club whose lack of depth makes Paris Hilton look like Thomas Friedman. You have to feel for Colts fans, right? Without Peyton Manning in the line up, their team looks more like the 1986 iteration that lost its first 13 games than the championship-caliber squad No.18 usually commandeers. You see, so many questions churn through the mind of the hopeless fan: Do I even watch the game on Sunday? Are we really giving up, simply to secure one player in the next draft? Can Peyton and Andrew Luck co-exist anyway?

At least Colts owner Bill Polian appears at ease with the hopelessness: "The bottom line is that if the right person is there (in the draft), and it has to be the right person, then now is the time to make that choice," Polian said on his weekly radio show this month. "Peyton and I have spoken about that, and he's OK with that."

Well sure he is. Nobody's replacing one of the game's greatest ever quarterbacks as long as he's healthy. I don't care if you're Andrew Luck or the second coming of Johhny U. Peyton's job is safe for now, and that might just be enough to keep Colts fans from bolting naked across the prairies. The thing is, we'd get it if the fans surrendered altogether, wouldn't we? If they started burning throwback jerseys and lobbing horseshoes at each other. It's difficult to stay committed to an NFL season once your team is in a 0 - 3 hole, let alone 0-11.

Look, I've also watched my Miami Dolphins spiral this season, from a team that boasted a potential top five defense, and dynamic tailback ready for real superstardom, to an easy 'w’ for every opponent. Three games in, and the Fins were drowning. The offense sputtered, the defense floundered and the team's most important player, its quarterback, never warmed up more than, well, during the warm up. Suddenly, being a Dolphins fan really did suck. While other fans hovered excitedly around TVs and tailgates to cheer on their respective clubs, being a Finatic was nightmarish.

But thanks to the papers, bloggers, and constant chatter of social media, Dolphins fans were invited to rekindle interest in the season by supporting a losing cause. Sucking was the new planking, or something. Problem was, Coach Tony Sparano refused to sleep with the Fishes, and together with his staff, rescued Miami’s season against the odds. Sure, it won't be a playoff year, but suddenly things are looking, let’s just say, respectable.

In week 9, unloved back-up Matt Moore played perhaps the best game of his career in a 31-3 drubbing of the Kansas City Chiefs. Moore was 17 of 23 for 244 yards and three touchdowns, which was good for a 147.5 passer rating - the best in the NFL that weekend. Stats aside, it was Moore's new command of the offense and accuracy that wowed fans. His cross-field toss to Anthony Fasano after a fake roll out to the right was Brady-esque. It was the first win for Miami in 2011, and the onslaught was enough to earn Moore AFC Offensive Player of the Week honors from the NFL.

The consensus is that Moore isn't the long-term solution in Miami, but who cares? In week 10, he completed 20 of 29 passes for 209 yards, en route to a Fins 20-9 defeat of the Redskins. “Dolphans” haven't had this much fun since Chad Pennington showed up Brett Favre in the last game of 2008. Great Miami moments - save Fergie belting out national anthems and the occasional tennis star sighting - really feel like they're every three years or so now. But with Moore in the mix, the optimism needle is on the move. Last week, he kept the pedal down and threw 14 for 20 with three TDs. What's next, jumping the Jets in the AFC East? Well, as wide receiver Brandon Marshall told The Miami Herald after the Skins game, "Anything is possible."

So what if we don't get Luck. We've competed, and yes, conquered. Our season, which was close to being completely void, now has some meaning. Instead of asking what might have been, we can focus on what's happening - today. Our defense alone, led by the rampant Karlos Dansby, is worth the price of admission. In fact, as of Sunday, that group had gone twelve straight quarters without allowing a single touchdown. How do you like that action Rex Ryan?

Real Fins fans, the kind that care about their team each and every contest, are feeling pretty fortunate right now - big shot prospect or not.

So good luck to you Indy. But remember, fortune, as they say, favors the brave.

Article first published as Swimming against the current on Andrew Luck on Technorati.